Grief Expert Processes Real Grief In Real Time
By Dr. Sophia Caudle, aka Betty’s Daughter
I am Dr. Sophia Dorton Caudle and I am experiencing the ambiguous grief of my aging mother, and also preparing for her future passing at this stage in my life.
I want to share my grief process with you, not only as a way to share healthy grieving practices while feeling my grief, but also to honor my mother and our relationship.
The grief of a loved one’s passing begins long before someone dies. Ambiguous grief, in the case of an aging parent, begins when someone begins to age and we become very aware of them not really recovering or getting better to who we remember them to be. Age is not like an illness we can recover from; rather it is the natural course of a life ending in its physical form, and aging is unstoppable for us all.
As I have been experiencing my mother’s decline over the recent years, I have felt a combination of many emotions……sadness, fear, loneliness, frustration, and sometimes anger. At this point the writing is on the wall, so to speak, and my focus is simply being with her to support her however I can, in her emotions as well as in her physical state.
My attachment with my mother is very deep. My mother and I have shared an honest and authentic relationship complete with very big and fun ‘Ups’, as well as definite ‘Downs’. My mother is an outspoken Greek woman, and she does not hold back her words, which is sometimes very funny, and sometimes not fun at all, if you are on the receiving end. This relationship with my mother has interestingly been the most ‘healthy’ relationship of my life, which seems strange to write with all the conflict we have shared. I guess what I have learned with my mother is how we can engage in conflict and it brings us closer at times, rather than pull us further apart, and for this relationship life lesson, I am truly grateful. Even though I am sad, I am incredibly grateful that the healthy parts of my attachment with my mom have taught me intimacy and relationship skills that carry over into all my relationships.
This is the power of early attachment. It sets us up for how we react or respond in our lifetime of relationships. However, even though we are ‘set up’ in our early attachment, it is our responsibility, and no one else’s, to heal our old emotional wounding and develop and grow.
I am incredibly grateful that for both of my parents, I was able long ago to work through my early attachment Original Grief, so I am capable of making this time of their lives about THEM, NOT ABOUT ME. Not about my emotional wounding, which is old news by this point in my life, not about immature and unhealthy family drama, not about anything or anyone else, focused on being with my mom, so she can feel as much peace as possible during a scary time in her life. For me, providing care and peace for someone who is nearing the end of their life is the most important thing I can do at this time.
Grief Tip: Working through my Original Grief, my early attachment grief, has prepared me to be present in the grief of losing my mother. There is only one grief neuralpathway in our brain, so it’s all connected, which means we feel all grief regardless of what the loss is. Learning to feel, process, heal, and reparent grief is a Superpower, and creates emotional and intimacy tolerance for presence in life and relationships.
In my next Grief in Real Time installment, I will share what it means to be with someone in their emotions of pending death.
