Relationships

The Love Killer of RIGIDITY

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There are many ways we can withhold love. The withholding of love can look like avoidance, silence, anger, making jokes instead of feeling feelings, pretending everything is fine and not talking about tough topics, lack of affection, as well as a general detachment in relationships. The withholding of love is a ‘Love Killer’ over time. 

Another primary way withholding of love can show up is rigidity. Rigidity is a very harsh love killer, because it completely invalidates the other person in the relationship. For instance, a partner who digs his/her/their heels in repeatedly and refuses to budge is being rigid. Rigid partners do not typically discuss conflict, rather they tell others what to do and how things are going to be, or they avoid. Also, continued rigidity creates an impossible situation to work through. The deeper one is in rigidity, the less likely one can find a way out and choose a different way of being. The partner who is habitually rigid gets more deeply stuck into the trap of being rigid, therefore as time goes on, there is less likelihood that the rigid pattern will change. Rigidity becomes a familiar brain habit. 

Rigid people typically do not see, hear, or empathize with their partner. The partner must choose between herself, or she must abandon herself and be controlled in order to save the relationship. Rigidity is a lose-lose relationship pattern. The partner who experiences rigidity feels very disconnected from her partner, and this prolonged pattern can create an unfortunate natural consequence, called ‘killing love.’ Nothing says ‘you are not important and you don’t matter to me’ more than rigidity. 

In an intimate relationship, rigidity feels like painful abandonment being handed out by the one we love the most. It is excruciating not to be seen by our partner. This is especially harmful if it is a pattern. Over time, we can fall out of love with a rigid partner, because rigidity creates disconnection, pain, and it completely invalidates us as a human being in the relationship. 

Addiction creates a rigid brain. Recovery creates a pliable and flexible brain. Rigidity is one reason why it is so difficult to be in a relationship with an active addict. It is also important to know that even if one is in sobriety, rigidity can continue without a true recovery. A deep and True Recovery, however, can help us move away from rigid thinking and behavior into a place of being capable of giving and receiving care, comfort, safety, nurturing, affection, and LOVE. 

The Withholding Of Love

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What is the withholding of love? Have you ever been in a relationship and your partner was
right next to you, and you felt completely alone? I have, and it felt absolutely miserable and
hopeless.

There are so many different ways we can withhold love. First, when we do not receive the care,
comfort, safety, nurturing, and affection that we needed in early childhood, not only are our
basic needs being withheld from us, but so is love. It is in the early years ages 0-3 that we learn
to withhold love. We learn to withhold love as a method of self protection from the emotional
and/or physical neglect or deprivation we experienced from our early caregivers. This does not
necessarily mean we experienced abuse or trauma, rather emotional neglect or deprivation is
expressed from most caregivers to small children in one way or another, and it is usually very
covert and happens in typical ‘healthy’ families.

As adults, we learn ways to withhold love that are the progression of ‘what we did not get’ in
early childhood, especially if we are avoidant in our primary relationships. Avoidance of
intimate connection, people, conversation, conflict, physical affection, or emotionally difficult
topics is a primary way the withholding of love presents in a primary relationship.

There are other more covert ways we may withhold love; some examples are not being
interested in your partner, not being willing to be supportive of your partner’s feelings, only
giving to your partner in ways that are easy for you, and not what they may want/need, not
being affectionate, blaming your partner for how you feel, being in active addiction, as well as
being a person who only stays on the surface of life and does not ‘go deep’ into intimacy with
others. Some ways you might hear covert withholding are, ‘I’m fine, everything’s fine’, ‘Well,
I’m sure it will work out for you at some point’, or,’ Let me tell you everything about my day.’
These comments may seem small, however they take their toll on a relationship, and create a
space that is not validating or affirming for the individuals or couple-ship to grow.

If you are reading this and you are wondering if you are withholding, this is the perfect moment
for you to take a deep dive into this really wonderful space and get to know yourself in a
deeper, more intimate manner. If you want to share more of yourself in your relationships, in a
healthy way, you can unlearn how you withhold, and you can learn how to participate more
deeply in relationships. Your first step is to find a therapist EXPERIENCED IN INTIMACY AND/OR
SEX THERAPY if you want to grow in your primary relationship.

If you are in a relationship with a withholding partner, I see you. You ARE important, and you
DO matter. Please find a therapist WITH TRAINED EXPERIENCE IN INTIMACY and begin the
process of evaluating yourself and your relationship, either with or without your partner, in
individual and/or couples therapy. When we do our own work and healing FIRST, and we learn
to love ourselves, it makes the process of evaluating the relationship easier.

May you appreciate and enjoy your journey work.

The Importance of Staying Connected During Physical Distancing of the Coronavirus

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We all understand that we need to physically distance ourselves from others during this time, due to the Coronavirus. The physical distance between us will hopefully prevent mass exposure, but keeping our distance from one another can also leave us feeling isolated, alone, lonely, and depressed. This is why it is so important that we are conscious and purposeful about connecting with others, especially during this very stressful time.

Our brains are hard-wired to connect. We are social beings. So, let’s find creative ways to connect during this physical distancing. If you are at home with your family, there are lots of ways we can create connection. If you have kids of any age, playing board games, card games, or other game room activities, if you have them, like pool or ping-pong, are all great ways to spend time together. Video games are fine too, but face to face connection is best for connection, when possible.

Taking walks, bike rides, and hikes are also nice for connecting, getting some exercise, and having a change of scenery away from the inside of our homes. If you have a dog, maybe you can add an extra walk per day and walk with a friend and his/her dog. If you have cats, or other fur babies, get some extra hugs and playtime in with them, so you can feed your soul while giving your pets the love they need.

Other activities are making music together or listening to music, making videos, taking virtual tours, for example, to a zoo or art museum, and also playing in the yard. Speaking of yards, this is a great chance to get caught up on weeding the yard, tending to a garden, or better yet, building a home garden! More outdoor fun includes having picnics together and watching the sunsets.

This is also a perfect opportunity to introduce meditation to your kids by turning on your favorite meditation app and laying on the floor and either invite your kids or let them join in naturally, whichever happens first☺

Technology: Tech is our Friend! Now more than ever connect via your tech….cell phones, computer, gaming, anything that connects you to others is exactly what we need to do. Many people can only communicate and check on each other through technology right now, so call each other, text, email, schedule Facetime, schedule Zoom meetings, Facebook, Instagram, or any other meeting platform that works for you. Staying connected at work is very important as well. Not only do we want to continue to foster healthy relationships at work, but for many of us, work still needs to happen even if we don’t go into our office, and meetings can still take place via tech, so we can be productive if our job allows it.

Intimate Relationships:

In our intimate relationship there are several purposeful ways we can create connection. First, everything above is great for couples too. Adding to those, if date night at a restaurant is not possible, plan a night to cook dinner together or get take out and make the dinner experience special in some way, maybe by sitting in your fancy dining room or having a fun indoor/outdoor picnic. Nail salons and massage therapists are also likely to be closed right now, so giving each other foot massages and/or full body massages not only is great intimate connection, but also an effective way to reduce tension and stress.

Meditating and/or praying together is a very important connecting activity as well. Meeting with your partner in a place of spirituality will deepen your connection.

Eye gazing is also a way we can create connection. Eye gazing can create an ‘electric charge’ and help couples reconnect, when they have been disconnected for many years. Eye gazing also is an important component of Encounter Centered Couples Therapy (ECCT), a highly effective and connecting couples therapy. If you’d like to learn ECCT and begin your connecting journey, contact me at 919-382-0288 or Sophia@bullcitypsychotherapy.com
We can learn ECCT via teletherapy too.

Included is a slide of the 8 Types of Intimacy…..Sex is just one type! So, there are
many ways to know our partner and be intimate together. All of these can be accomplished while we are practicing physical distancing….as long as partners are physically healthy☺

8 types of intimacy, bull city psychotherapy

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy at BCP’s New Apex Location

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emotion focused therapy bull city psychotherapy

Are you feeling disconnected from your partner and find yourselves getting into the same pattern of conflict that never seems to get resolved? Perhaps you feel lonely or discounted, or maybe it’s as if you can just never get it right with your partner no matter how hard you try. If so, you’re not alone. All couples experience conflict to some degree, but what determines if it’s productive conflict or not is whether you get resolution and feel closer afterward or drift even further apart.

Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, or EFT for short, is an approach to couples counseling anchored and validated in 35 years of research and we are excited to offer it at our Durham and new Apex office locations. EFT helps couples get underneath their dysfunctional patterns of communication, or “cycle” as it’s called in EFT, to facilitate a more safe and secure bond. A common example of this cycle is when a resentful partner yells, complains, or attacks verbally. In response, the other tries to “keep the peace”, close off, keep b

usy and otherwise avoid the anger. This pattern can go round and round for years distancing partners and creating a sense of detachment, resentment and loneliness.

EFT is rooted in Attachment theory which explains that we are creatures of connection. Having a safe and trusting connection with a primary partner is fundamental to our emotional and physical well-being. Knowing that another “has our back” and is our safety net allows us to feel secure in the world so that we can most effectively engage in society, achieve our goals, and form safe and healthy connections with others.

Your EFT therapist can help you understand your cycle, make sense of it, and get underneath the anger and resentment so that you each feel heard and understood. EFT can help you move from a place of perpetual blaming and defensiveness to love and empathy and help you rediscover the love you once had. The exciting part of EFT couples counseling is that your level of distress is not a predictor of success. Often, heightened conflict is present because partners care so much and the fear of losing the other feels intolerable. We are excited to offer this couples modality to our community both in Durham and Apex. Evening and weekend appointments are available.

You can learn more about our experienced EFT therapist, Alison Sanderson, LCMHC, on this website or email her directly for an appointment at alison@bullcitypsychotherapy.com. She can see you in Durham or Apex. Saturday appointments are available at the Apex location.

After the Affair: To Stay or To Leave?

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Was Hillary Clinton wrong for staying with her husband, Bill, after yet another affair—this time with a White House intern? Personally, I don’t think it’s anybody’s business what she chose to do, but as a public figure, Ms. Clinton was the object of much gossip. In past generations, there was pressure to stay in the marriage and work it out, but as author Esther Perel notes, the “new shame” has become staying with your spouse when you have the option of leaving. Family and friends may shame you for hanging in there, but their assessment of the situation may not include all the variables. Your calculations may also include considerations of children, finances, cherished memories, fear, and hope.

My aim is not to convince you that you should stay or leave. You have to make the final determination. After all, you’re the one who has to live with the results of your decision. And it can be a complicated decision. If you’re like most spouses, you may have received a staggered disclosure. You didn’t receive the details of the sexual acting out in one tidy confession. You thought you knew everything and then found out there was more. And still more. Being hit by multiple disclosures can be traumatizing. You were left wondering, “Who is this person that I thought I knew? What unknowns will I find out next?”

I’m not saying it’s easy, but for those who choose to work through the issues, there is the possibility that the marriage can be not only saved, but taken to a better place never thought possible. The old marriage is gone, but there is hope for a renewed connection based on rebuilt trust and respect. It will take determination and work—both for the one who’s been acting out sexually and also for the partner. (And yes, it all seems so unfair. Why should the partner have to go to therapy and do all this work when it was the other person who brought this pain?) But as therapists, we help couples create a way forward that involves a commitment to complete honesty, accountability, and making amends to the injured partner. We create a welcoming space to help you find your way back to a great relationship. Let us help you build a strong bond again. You’ve got nothing to lose by calling us.

To schedule an appointment with Tim, email him at tim@bullcitypsychotherapy.com or call his direct line at (919) 533-7907. Or see his website at successinrecovery.com.

 

Meet Our Newest Associate, Caroline Gobble

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Caroline Gobble Director of Marketing

Meet our new therapist, Caroline Gobble. She has served as our marketing director for the past year and is now an associate at BCP. Caroline is a psychotherapist dedicated to helping individuals, couples, adolescents, and families move beyond the challenges and pain of past experiences in order to live a productive and hope-filled life.  Through individual and group counseling, she strives to create a safe and affirming environment for clients to explore their authentic selves, and she seeks to provide each client with his/her own individual treatment, utilizing evidenced-based interventions. Her areas of interest are assisting clients with eating disorders, depression/anxiety, substance abuse, addiction, relationship issues, trauma, grief/loss, problem-solving skills, social skills training, among many others.

Caroline is a graduate of North Carolina Central University’s Counselor Education Program. She has dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and School Counseling. Caroline is a National Board Certified Counselor (NBCC),  a Licensed Professional Counselor-Associate (LPC-A), and a North Carolina Licensed Professional School Counselor. She is also pursuing her Licensed Clinical Addictions Specialist (LCAS) credential. Caroline earned her Bachelor’s degree from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.

Caroline’s training in eating disorders began when she was an intern at UNC’s Center of Excellence for Eating Disorders (CEED), where she worked on the inpatient eating disorders unit at UNC Hospital. She conducted individual counseling and facilitated various groups including CBT, DBT, and a media awareness/body image group. Her clinical training is in cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, solution focused therapy, motivational interviewing, and Maudsley family therapy. Currently, she is a PRN therapist at Carolina House, a residential eating disorders treatment center in Durham, NC, where she leads a weekly addictions education group, among other groups and individual/family therapy.

Caroline  is a member of the North Carolina Board of Licensed Professional Counselors, American Counseling Association, North Carolina Counseling Association, International Association of Eating Disorders Professionals, North Carolina Chapter of International Association of Eating Disorders Professionals, North Carolina School Counselor Association, American School Counselor Association, and Chi Sigma Iota Counseling Honor Society. She currently serves as the President of Nu Chi Chi, NCCU’s chapter of CSI.

Additionally at Bull City Psychotherapy, Caroline helps maintain the website, manages social media accounts, contributes to articles and blog posts, creates a quarterly newsletter, among other tasks. To schedule an appointment with Caroline, call 919-382-0288-or email caroline@bullcitypsychotherapy

What is a Partner’s Expiration Date?

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What is a ‘Partner’s Expiration Date’? This is a great question that does not have one specific answer, because every partner is different in the time that their tolerance for their spouse/partner’s poor behavior runs out. 

In the field of addiction, whether it is alcoholism, drug addiction, sex/porn addiction, or any problematic behavior, we see partners of addicts move through the experience of living with addiction very differently. Some partners have a very brief expiration date, meaning they do not wait long before they give ultimatums for improved behavior and recovery, or else the relationship is over. The reasons for a short expiration date are varied and many; for example, it’s possible the partner has been through so much grief and trauma that he/she is exhausted and simply does not have more energy to spare towards the relationship. I have also seen that some partners are so affected when learning of a loved one’s addiction, especially sex addiction, that they know deep down they can never truly trust that person again in an intimate way, so they too end the relationship. Partners also reach their expiration dates quickly if their spouse does not choose recovery. Regardless of when or how a partner reaches their expiration date, they will feel the ambiguous grief over the end of their relationship, whether they wanted it to end or not.

However, other partner’s try their best to give it time, and their expiration date for whether or not to end the relationship is longer. Partners with longer expiration dates tend to enter into their own recovery and learn tools for living similar to their addicted partner, if he/she begins the work of Recovery. Recovery work for partners includes creating a recovery plan, learning about relationship health, such as codependency sobriety, possibly working a 12 step group such as ALANON, CODA, or ACA, therapy, support groups, etc. We see that when partners use their energy to focus on themselves instead of focusing on the addict or the addict’s acting out behaviors, their expiration date extend longer than partners who never choose to focus on themselves. 

However, there are times when partners’ expiration dates simply run out, regardless of the recovery work she/he has done. Sometimes recovery can provide meaning to a partner that it is best for the relationship to end, and this is OK too. Recovery is not necessarily a ‘relationship fixer.’  Recovery is what individuals do to heal from addiction and early life grief or trauma, and it can mean different things to different people. The beauty of recovery is that it is, in fact, healing. There is no guarantee where we end up, but if we keep working our own recovery, we definitely feel better and are healthier during our journey.

Relationships – Thank your person in their language

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Quick Hits –
Think of someone important to you and ask them which of the following 5 actions they prefer:
Words of affirmation
Acts of service
Receiving gifts
Quality time
Physical touch

Think of 3 ideas that would fall in to their preferred category. Do the things!

Rationale:

This relationship wellness tip is based on the premise that you already understand how important it is to show gratitude to those closest to you.  If you haven’t internalized that yet, take breath and let it sink in.  Those closest to us impact us the most and get recognized the least – typically because we have gotten used to the routine that they will be there.  It’s human nature, and it’s healthy for us to fight that inclination to take them for granted.  Do so by thanking them for being in your life – but how?

Learn their language:

There is a well documented theory, developed and published by Gary Chapman, which posits that there are 5 primary love languages.  Read more about it here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/.

The idea is that individuals interpret things differently.  Something that might be hugely meaningful to you might go unnoticed by someone else.  The opposite is also true.

When you are reaching out to thank someone, or show affection, or appreciation, or any kind of love, you will make the maximum impact by doing so in their language.  It is common for us to communicate these emotions in our own languages – I’m suggesting you stop that right now.  Communicating in your language makes you feel good.  Communicating in their language makes them feel good.  Thanking someone, or showing affection, is not about you!  It’s that simple.

Below are the 5 languages that Chapman has presented along with a starting list of actions you can take to speak to your person in their language.  This is good stuff. It works for partners, friends, parents, siblings, and children alike.  Know the languages of the people in your life.  Make your own lists, and refer to them often.  They will thank you – and hopefully they do so in your language J

Words of affirmation – write a card, email, or even better sit down with them face to face and tell them what they mean to you, what they bring to your life, why you’re grateful for them.

Acts of service – What do they hate doing – laundry, yard work, bills, dishes, cooking?  Think about ways to make their life easier and then do the things!

Receiving gifts – Money is not the priority here.  The gesture and the thought behind it make the difference.  What is something you know they like – their morning coffee, new workout clothes, merchandise from their favorite show/musician/actor?  Get them a small something that communicates the message: “I know you like this, so I got it for you, because I like you.”

Quality time – this doesn’t have to cost any money.  Simply spend time with your person.  Typically the fewer screens (phones, tvs, etc) involved, the better.  Talk with them about things they find interesting.  It doesn’t have to be deep.  And you don’t have to like the same things as much as they do.  You’re doing it for them.  Do something with them that they like to do, and commit to it.  Twenty minutes of sincere attention from you can go a long way to making them feel your appreciation.

Physical touch – think about what is appropriate, then do it!  Maybe it’s a good solid hug.  Maybe it’s a foot rub. (Side note: my wife’s primary language is physical touch and I am still shocked at how much she appreciates a foot rub.)  Maybe it’s making time to make time like Dusty Springfield sang about.  Do what they will appreciate.

Whatever you choose, remember that IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU!