What is a ‘Partner’s Expiration Date’? This is a great question that does not have one specific answer, because every partner is different in the time that their tolerance for their spouse/partner’s poor behavior runs out.
In the field of addiction, whether it is alcoholism, drug addiction, sex/porn addiction, or any problematic behavior, we see partners of addicts move through the experience of living with addiction very differently. Some partners have a very brief expiration date, meaning they do not wait long before they give ultimatums for improved behavior and recovery, or else the relationship is over. The reasons for a short expiration date are varied and many; for example, it’s possible the partner has been through so much grief and trauma that he/she is exhausted and simply does not have more energy to spare towards the relationship. I have also seen that some partners are so affected when learning of a loved one’s addiction, especially sex addiction, that they know deep down they can never truly trust that person again in an intimate way, so they too end the relationship. Partners also reach their expiration dates quickly if their spouse does not choose recovery. Regardless of when or how a partner reaches their expiration date, they will feel the ambiguous grief over the end of their relationship, whether they wanted it to end or not.
However, other partner’s try their best to give it time, and their expiration date for whether or not to end the relationship is longer. Partners with longer expiration dates tend to enter into their own recovery and learn tools for living similar to their addicted partner, if he/she begins the work of Recovery. Recovery work for partners includes creating a recovery plan, learning about relationship health, such as codependency sobriety, possibly working a 12 step group such as ALANON, CODA, or ACA, therapy, support groups, etc. We see that when partners use their energy to focus on themselves instead of focusing on the addict or the addict’s acting out behaviors, their expiration date extend longer than partners who never choose to focus on themselves.
However, there are times when partners’ expiration dates simply run out, regardless of the recovery work she/he has done. Sometimes recovery can provide meaning to a partner that it is best for the relationship to end, and this is OK too. Recovery is not necessarily a ‘relationship fixer.’ Recovery is what individuals do to heal from addiction and early life grief or trauma, and it can mean different things to different people. The beauty of recovery is that it is, in fact, healing. There is no guarantee where we end up, but if we keep working our own recovery, we definitely feel better and are healthier during our journey.
