Ambiguous Grief

Real Grief in Real Time

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Grief

When All Three Types of Grief Are Felt at the Same Time

The end of life for a parent or caregiver is a primal and profound emotional experience that affects us in important and meaningful ways.

Some people remain in denial and largely ignore the end of life experience that is occurring. They may continue to live their life normally, in a compartmentalized manner that is based in unhealth and lacking in basic coping skills. Or they may focus on the physical issues only, and not the emotional experience that is occurring. As a therapist, and a sibling, when I have witnessed the denial of feeling grief in my family of origin, I have seen people create significant pain and suffering for themselves and others around them. The choice and inability to not feel and process grief creates more problems than it is worth. It is actually much healthier and easier to simply be in grief and honor the experience life is offering to us.

It is important to know that learning to experience the fullness of life is a ‘Both/And’ much of the time. We can both ‘live our life’ and not live in the denial of a parent’s end of life. For instance, for me, I am consciously choosing to take care of myself and take care of my mother at the same time. I am accomplishing taking care of me by making my life a little smaller and less complicated, with frequent and effective self care. I am taking care of my mother in the over flow of energy of what my Small Life is creating for me. My smaller life is also giving me the space to feel my grief as needed. I am choosing not to be in a ‘power through’ mode. Powering through is largely a state of denial and unconscious living, and should be consciously chosen only in times of crisis or deadlines. The end of life of a parent is a crisis, however it is a marathon crisis, not a sprint, so we get the opportunity to consciously make choices about how we will move through this time.

For myself, and others who choose to feel feelings and live a brave life, the end of life of our parent creates the trifecta of grief: Death Grief, Ambiguous Grief, and Original Grief all being felt at the same time.

It is so important and helpful to try our best to be conscious during this Trifecta of Grief. Since there is only one grief neuralpathway in our brain, grief gets felt almost continuously during this period, and to be able to remind ourselves of that can be helpful, even if it is still difficult.

Sometimes during the day, my mood can change very quickly from intense sadness, to contentment, to happiness, then depression. I am choosing not to read too much into any of these emotional phases, because I consciously know that I am smack in the middle of my Trifecta of Grief, and anything goes during this time. The old 12 Step slogan, ‘This Too Shall Pass’ really fits me right now. I am stable in my myriad of emotions and feel safe that I am OK and this is perfectly normal. I am choosing not to try to hold tight of any emotional states, regardless of how I feel. I am aware that I am in the middle of a Big Grief Life Experience, and as long as I stay conscious, I am OK. There is nothing I need to ‘Do’, rather this is a conscious time to be soft, slow, small, and simply feel. I am not in control. However, I can control what I do and do not do, and choosing to do very little right now is inviting me into a safe space as all three types of grief play a part in my life.

The more I step into my grief, the easier this difficult time in my life becomes. The more I step into grief, I am a better caregiver for my mother. The more I step into grief, I am more restored in my own being. The more I step into grief, I can more easily be present and let go of resentments.

This Trifecta of Grief is obviously a difficult time in life, however, it is also the deepest and most effective therapy I have ever done. In Grief, I am fully Alive. In Grief, I am building my tolerance to experience all my feelings deeply, and feeling love, joy, happiness, peace, and contentment more fully. Grief is movement. Grief is the process into lasting joy without fear.

I am deeply grateful for my ability to consciously feel grief, and I am amazed at how my mother continues to teach me and grow the very best in me.

The Importance of Making Your Life Small When Experiencing Deep Grief

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By Dr. Sophia, Betty’s Daughter

Recently, my husband, Adam, gave me some of the most important and helpful advice I have ever received. He was preparing to leave town for work for a while, and I would be helping my mother on my own. He also did it in such a way, that I could deeply see and hear his meaning. He took my hands, sat me down, and he sat across from me, and he asked me to eye gaze with him, then he started giving me simple, easy instruction in a soft, slow, and loving manner.

This advice was: ‘You are OK, and will be OK while I am away. Please think about how you can live a small life, and only do what helps you and your mother, and nothing else. Keep working, because you love your work and it makes you happy. You must get to the gym every day, because this keeps you sane. You must do restorative yoga and meditate, because this keeps you calm. See your friends for support. Be a golf range rat and focus on your swing. Only do what you can control. Do not get involved with people outside of this small space. Make everything small. We will Facetime daily. I will be back and we will stay connected while I am away. Enjoy your mother.’

Only do what you can control. Do not get involved with people outside of this small space. Make everything small.

Not only did my husband really show me who he deeply is in that moment, but he conveyed something absolutely critical in this time of live grief, that my life needs to be small, safe, and contained for my well-being. He has been partnering with me in finding the balance of providing care for my mother, self care, and feeling grief. He was concerned that after he left town, I would go into Super Woman mode and do everything for everyone all the time, and then have nothing left for myself, and eventually crash and burn. His message hit home for me and has kept me in a safe space while he has been away. His message also reminded me of all I know about taking care of myself first, then giving others my overflow.

However, during my deep grief with the end of life of my mother looming, I need much more than the simple codependency tools I live by, I have had to drastically reduce the size of my life. This does not mean that I am isolating and doing nothing of importance, rather it means that I have created a very simple, yet helpful basic schedule, which is providing me stability and consistency. I am focusing on creating more energy than I am expending. I am asking others for help. I am setting limits. In essence, I am letting go. I am inviting others to help. I am taking care of myself, so when I am with my mom, I am fully present with her and tending to her needs. I am not exhausted when I am with her, rather we are laughing and continuing to build our bond, even in our shared sadness.

If I was filling my life with distractions and denial, I would not be able to healthily feel my grief and be present with my mother. Once again, I have proven to myself the Super Healing Power of Grief. My ability to feel grief in a healthy way is inviting me into a deeper relationship with my mother. I can feel that she senses my safe openness, and she is receptive; she shares with me things I have never known about her, she is feeling hard feelings with me, and I am able to be present with her.

My ability to feel grief in a healthy way is inviting me into a deeper relationship with my mother.

The shared grief with my husband has also brought us closer. Healthy couples get closer in difficult times and share a stronger connection, especially after the difficult time has passed.

Our ability to feel grief at helpful times allows us to experience deeper relationship connection with others. Grief Tolerance=Intimacy Tolerance. The joy of deep connection is only possible with the balance of stepping into the natural grief life brings all of us. The fullness of emotions is a ‘Both/And’ not an either/or.

The joy of deep connection is only possible with the balance of stepping into the natural grief life brings all of us. The fullness of emotions is a ‘Both/And’ not an either/or. 

This small and simple life I am living is creating a safe and predictable daily pattern for my nervous system, so I am calm and present, and not exhausting myself while I am caring for my mother everyday. I am gradually building energy during this time, while still staying connected to myself. Most importantly, my smaller life is making it possible for me to be excited about finishing work and then going to be with my mom for a few laughs.

Thanks for reading about my grief journey. I am learning so much and feeling very blessed. If you find this helpful, I am so glad, please also share with someone who may find it useful.

Until next time…..be well, and enjoy a small life☺

Real Grief in Real Time Grief Expert Shares Her Real Greif with Her Aging Mother’s Decline

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As I am present in my grief experience with the age decline of my mother, one of the areas I have noticed that is really helpful to her, is when I can simply be WITH her while she is feeling her feelings. This may sound easy, but how often do we get uncomfortable when someone else is expressing difficult feelings? How many times have we said or heard someone say, ‘Don’t cry’, or, ‘It’s going to be ok’? I have heard this deflection of emotion many times in my life. As a therapist, I witness daily how people get very uncomfortable when someone feels sad. One of the main things we work on in couples therapy or any relationship focused therapy is simply learning the emotional skill to BE WITH ANOTHER WHILE THEY ARE FEELING THEIR FEELINGS.

Being with someone while they are in their own feelings is a learned skill. This is actually very different than empathy, although they can be related at times and for different purposes. Being with another in their feelings means we make the experience about them, not us. Our discomfort, our sadness, our overwhelm is about us, and we should not make our feelings about them; rather we must feel our own feelings while we are WITH the person feeling their difficult feelings about end of life. This is hard. This is not easy. This is what it means to be in intimacy and connection with self and another, at the same time. This is the selfless relationship experience of knowing that, ‘I am ok, no matter what.’ ‘I am OK, even when my loved one is sad and/or scared about dying.’ When we become capable of feeling our feelings and knowing how to comfort ourselves in a healthy manner, it becomes much easier to learn this skill of being with others in very difficult feelings. Of course I am sad sometimes when I am with my mother, but I have learned the skill to both feel my feelings at the same time she is experiencing her feelings, and all of this ideally can happen at the same time together, focusing on our authentic experience together in intimacy and connection.

So, what does this look like?

When someone is very sad or overwhelmed about age, or a physical diagnosis where life will be ending soon, here are some practices:

  1. Hold their hand, touch is very helpful to give comfort and settles the nervous system
  2. Rub someone’s back while they are sad or crying
  3. Hugs can be helpful too
  4. Try to resist saying, “Don’t cry’ or ‘You will be fine’
  5. Try affirming and saying soothing phrases such as, ‘Yes, I know, yes, I’m here with you.’ ‘Yes, crying is ok and I’m here with you.’
  6. Or simply being silent and touch can work too, but if we are too silent, usually people start apologizing for feeling their feelings and crying and we need to reassure them that we are ok with their feelings.
  7. Also, important, find the genuine laughter that is also present in many relationships during these times in life, and experience that together too.
  8. Try to be present for whatever bubbles up as you are together, but remember to make this time about the other person. Try to feel, but also find support for yourself on your own time.

Even during this time, my mother and I laugh a lot together. We are experiencing a very special thing: The fullness of life and pending death together in safe relationship. This is a gift I learned from my Mother, that I am honored to give back to her, because she earned it and as a human, she deserves this.

Next Installment:

       The Benefits of Making Your Life Small During Grief

Codependency and Grief: Are These Feeling States Connected?

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Codependency and Grief

Do you sometimes feel sad or lonely when a loved one does not know how to ‘make you feel better’? Have you ever felt left out by a group of friends? Do you sometimes feel scared, fearful, or abandoned in important relationships?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then your original attachment grief and codependency are likely very connected to how you feel in relationships.

Both attachment original grief and codependency are formed in us at very early ages and experiences. Original attachment grief are the feelings we are left with when we do not get enough of our emotional and/or physical needs met by our early caregivers. When we do not get enough of our early needs met, we begin to develop survival tools to try and get others to meet our needs, and this is how we learn codependent patterns in relationships.

Both early attachment grief and codependency are born out of not getting enough of our needs met, so yes, they are definitely connected.

For codependency, when we expect a loved one should be able to read our mind and help us feel better, that is going to always fall short, as others are not powerful enough to make us feel better, rather that is a healthy adult skill we must learn how to do for ourselves. When our loved one cannot ‘make us feel better’, that feeling is going to feel like the original attachment grief we experienced as young children. So, the cycle of original attachment grief and codependency becomes it’s own way of feeling and perceiving the world and those around us.

We feel lack. We feel alone. We wonder why no one wants to meet our needs and be in connected relationship with us. Sometimes, we even feel unworthy and not important, and no one loves us.

Original grief creates the codependent survival tools that we use to try to feel better, when we feel empty and alone.

The cure for both of these feeling states lies in the super healing power of deep grief. When we can learn how to decode and access our deep Original Grief, we can heal at the deepest of levels. We can cure both our attachment issues as well as codependency, both if unhealed disrupts healthy relationship participation and responses.

If you want to learn how to heal and feel transformed, contact me at sophia@queencityhealthysex.com

You can also purchase Original Grief Workshops at www.drsophiashealingshop.com

Check me out on www.intherooms.com every Wednesday noon EST, Codependency, Grief, and Relationships meeting

Also, find me at (socials here please)

Grief and the COVID-19 Pandemic

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By Sophia Caudle, PhD

The COVID-19 pandemic has triggered everyone all around the world at the same time. The most common feelings that people are reporting are fear, anxiety, and loneliness, oftentimes with no clear pathway to feeling grounded again due to the uncertain nature of the pandemic’s timeline. Unacknowledged grief is also being triggered for most people during the pandemic. For example, a 22 year old male client has been experiencing flare-ups with his OCD, and his generalized anxiety and sex addiction have been triggered since the beginning of the pandemic. However, after guiding his therapeutic work into his deep, original grief, which he describes as not feeling connected or nurtured by his parents, he is now more effectively understanding and processing his grief, and his symptoms referenced above have drastically reduced. I have seen this pattern with many clients who experience reduced daily triggers after digging deep into their original grief work.

When grief is triggered, especially when we are unaware of our grief being triggered, it can create an intensity attached to the feeling we are currently identifying, because it traces back to our original grief. Original Grief, copyrighted by grief researcher and psychotherapist Sophia Caudle, is the perceived awareness of our earliest emotional woundings©, and when this gets tapped into, whatever we are currently dealing with seems exponentially more severe. Original grief typically is formed ages 0-5, when we are most vulnerable to being shaped by life’s circumstances. The foundational emotion attached to the pandemic is grief, and grief, if not acknowledged, felt, and addressed, will continue to trigger the more easily identifiable emotions such as fear, anxiety, depression, and whatever other feelings and reactions typically present for people in a crisis. The COVID-19 pandemic is a perfect example of how understanding the different types of grief, especially original grief, can be helpful to us when we experience current daily triggers, because our deep grief awareness can better inform the tools we implement to ground ourselves.

The most easily identifiable grief the COVID-19 pandemic is creating for people is traditional grief. Traditional grief is the grief we feel when someone dies. Traditional grief, for many of us, is the only type of grief of which we are aware. Most of us are only aware of acknowledging grief for ourselves or others in the event of death and dying, and the biggest fear about COVID-19 is the fear and possibility of getting sick and that either we or a loved one will die. According to the COVID-19 tracking website Worldometer, as of September 2020, almost 188,000 Amercians have died from COVID-19, and there have been approximately 664,000 deaths around the world, excluding the United States. When we see the numbers of COVID-19 related deaths around the globe, it is easy to become overwhelmed by fear and anxiety. It is also easy to think if we or a loved one contracts COVID-19, death is inevitable.

Another type of grief that is widely prevalent during the time of COVID-19 is ambiguous grief. Ambiguous Grief© (Caudle, 2018) is the grief felt when a relationship ends or when we lose a loved one in our life who is still living. Ambiguous grief is also felt when we lose something important to us, or when we have the awareness of something important we never had. According to Pauline Boss, the principal theorist of the concept of ambiguous loss, the grief felt by ambiguous grief can be ongoing because there is no closure as there is in traditional grief. During the pandemic, ambiguous grief has certainly been ongoing for many of us. Most of us have lost relationships, lost in-person connections, and lost our ability to move around our communities. Most people do not realize the primary emotion being triggered is ambiguous grief, and typically, if we do not know what we are feeling and where it comes from, then we can not effectively address it. Instead, people may believe they are feeling anxious, scared, or lonely when in reality their deep grief is being triggered and the felt awareness is anxiety and fear. Also, since there is no real sense of when the pandemic will be over, and there is no sense of a projected closure date, ambiguous grief is constantly present and creating ongoing insecurities for many.

There are many types of ambiguous grief being triggered by the pandemic. The ambiguous grief I am seeing most is the grief felt from the loss of daily interactions with others due to physical distancing. This has created a sense of feeling isolated and lonely for so many people. So, many of us are feeling ambiguous grief due to the loss of in-person relationship interactions. The interactions we are missing can be either significant relationships or random interactions with people we do not know well at all. For instance, a simple conversation with the checkout person at the grocery store or a simple chat with a stranger in a park can serve as a type of spontaneous connection, and for many of us, these interactions are not occurring. Live human interaction is sorely missed during this time, and our brains are noticing the loss of connection. As John Bowlby the renowned attachment theorist acknowledged, humans are hard-wired to connect, and the pandemic has removed person to person connection for many people. Some people who live alone or are in other isolating living circumstances have not had a face-to-face conversation or felt a hug from another person in five months or more, and this is tapping into their deepest sense of original grief aloneness. For instance, my client Charles has not left his apartment in over eight months due to his fear around COVID-19 and his other health concerns. Charles lives alone and has not attended in person Alcoholics Anonymous meetings since the pandemic began. Charles has also not experienced human touch in over eight months, and he describes feeling the effects of that unfortunate reality as ‘constant loneliness and depression’. Charles is experiencing deep grief around the loss of his ways to connect with others in a face to face manner.

Another type of ambiguous grief most of us are feeling is the sadness around the loss of our ‘normal’ way of living life. For example, leaving our homes to go do anything; grocery shop, work, school, spiritual gatherings, and socializing are all activities we used to be able to do without thinking about our health being in jeopardy, and now either these ways of living have been stripped from us, or we must prepare for our safety in order to do them at all. So many regular activities have been lost to us since the onset of the pandemic: marriages, funerals, graduations, birthdays, going away celebrations, sports, competitions of most kinds, and many types of intimacy. Most of us took many of life’s daily activities for granted before the pandemic. Now we are feeling ambiguous grief because much of what we used to do is not possible at this time. We are feeling a loss of our freedom to connect and move about in society.

Physical distancing during COVID-19 has forced us to learn how to have intentional connections with others rather than spontaneous connections if we want to feel emotionally healthy as well as maintain healthy relationships. Intentional connections during COVID-19 are exactly what they sound like, ways of meeting with others that we discuss and agree upon as related to social connection, safety, and virus prevention. So, rather than communicating and deciding what fun activity we are going to do, we are actually planning with whom, as well as how, we want to connect in a safety-related manner. COVID-19 has forced many people to make decisions about who we want in our inner circle of social connections. People who are being responsible and observing CDC recommendations during COVID-19 have chosen a short list of friends they can trust to socialize with during this time. Some relationships are blossoming and some are deteriorating. Living in isolation is difficult for many, and not everyone can handle conscious connection for safety purposes. For many of us, the removal of spontaneous interactions has required us to pivot and create new ways of connecting. Zoom, FaceTime, Skype, and many other platforms have been utilized frequently during the pandemic in efforts to connect. For those who have been able to transition into intentional connection during COVID-19, most are doing fine, but for people who are stuck in their original grief and not knowing how to create intentional connections, many are not doing well. A recent publication by Cullen, Gulati, and Kelly in QJM: An International Journal of Medicine predicts heightened isolation-related mental health impacts like depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress, which have already been identified during the pandemic in China. Further, literature from Jiang Du and colleagues with the Drug Abuse Treatment Department at the Shanghai Mental Health Center suggest that those with substance use disorders and addictions are particularly sensitive to the stress and potential for maladaptive coping styles during periods of isolation with the pandemic. Finally, relationship issues and domestic violence are trending upward globally following stay-at-home orders, quarantines, and social isolation, according to research published by Brad Boserup, Mark McKenney, and Adel Elkbui in The American Journal of Emergency Medicine.

As noted, people in addiction recovery are especially triggered during the pandemic because the shelter in place regulations require disconnection, and addiction recovery is about learning how to connect. One of the main components of addiction recovery is to learn how to have healthy relationships and connect deeply with others, and when in-person therapy sessions, group therapy, 12 Step Meetings, etc. are removed from the recovery plan on an in-person basis, it can be difficult for people to pivot and learn connection via teletherapy or video meetings, especially when connecting was a challenge before the pandemic. Some people in recovery have transitioned nicely to video meetings and others have not, and for those who have not adjusted easily, recovery may be at a stand still, or possibly even in a relapse. Fortunately, some people in addiction recovery have used the extra time to do more recovery work, more self care, etc. while acknowledging their grief, and this has provided an opportunity for further growth. Grief awareness and utilizing recovery tools to intentionally connect are critical to staying in sobriety and recovery. I facilitate two meetings on the largest global addiction recovery website In The Rooms, www.intherooms.com, one meeting is Codependency, Grief, and Relationships, and this meeting has doubled in its weekly attendance due to COVID-19. Also, I created the Coronavirus Support Meeting every Monday on In The Rooms, and for eight months, we have had over 100 attendees participate. In fact, the entire website, In The Rooms, has doubled in membership since the pandemic began. People in recovery are trying to find various methods of connection, even though in person meetings are not possible at this time.

I believe that the different types of grief created by the pandemic, such as traditional and ambiguous grief, are also connecting back to people’s original grief, and therefore increasing the intensity of emotions. As stated previously, this author identified original grief as the grief felt with the perceived awareness of our earliest emotional woundings©. I believe that whenever we feel highly activated or charged, our original grief is being tapped into by whatever current trigger is occurring in the moment.

Jaak Panksepp’s research in his text Affective Neuroscience states that grief and social bonding are related together in the mammalian brain. A lack of social bonding, or feeling of loneliness, is also what we feel when we feel grief. Grief is the experienced and felt loss of a lack of social bonding. Essentially all grief is connected not only in our brains, but also in our feelings and in our bodies. For instance, a current feeling related to grief, sadness, or aloneness is going to track back to our original grief and therefore make today’s feelings feel more intense or charged. In this way, original grief is being tapped into today, during the pandemic, because at some point, we are feeling fear, anxiety, aloneness, and/or loss. And, because the trigger is safety-related and there is a possibility of sickness or death, the depth of the grief is beyond today’s situation and actually connects back to the deepest and most disturbing grief we have ever experienced. Stated differently, our original grief is being tapped into daily due to the pandemic’s daily triggering of fear, loneliness, and uncertainty.

A specific example of how daily triggers can connect back to one’s original grief is in the case of abandonment. During the pandemic, if one is feeling isolated and lonely, and original grief is abandonment from parents or other primary attachment figures, then the current feeling of loneliness will connect back to early childhood abandonment and the feeling will feel more intense. This can also be the case if physical and/or emotional safety is a part of our original grief, because both are being triggered due to COVID-19. As an example, one of my clients, Colleen, experienced abandonment from her father in her early teen years, and her experience was horrid, including lack of food and utilities. Also, her mother was so distraught after Colleen’s father left home that she abandoned Colleen emotionally, so Colleen has always reported feeling deep aloneness. During the pandemic, Colleen’s abandonment schema has been triggered again, because of the constant isolation. Colleen feels like she has been abandoned and forgotten by the world. In her treatment, we are using this time to dive deep into her original grief, which she reports as, ‘I do not matter to anyone, not even my parents, who are supposed to love me’. Treating Collen’s original grief is also soothing her current sadness about feeling alone and forgotten during the pandemic, because both are connected together in her social bonding neural pathway. Conversely, if we only addressed Collen’s current feelings about COVID-19 and loneliness, we would not be entirely addressing all that affects her, because her original grief would still continue to be tapped into, thus it would serve as an unknown trigger for loneliness. It is in this way that knowing our original grief can be a very empowering process to identify and treat not only our foundational aloneness, but also the current triggers we experience as adults.

The pandemic is certainly a trigger for most of us during this unprecedented and difficult time in our world. If we can be aware of some of the deeper feelings underneath, like the various kinds of grief, then we can be more self aware and take active steps to healing our ultimate trigger of original grief. The deep grief awareness of original grief can empower us to heal not only our foundational pain, but also the current triggers of today.

Ambiguous Grief During the Covid Pandemic

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covid grief bull city psychotherapy

The Covid-19 Pandemic has really forced many of us to feel grief due to all kinds of triggers. Grief is a feeling most commonly associated with the death of a loved one, however there are several other important types of grief for us to be aware of, if we want to increase our self awareness and be able to care for ourselves emotionally.

Ambiguous Grief is defined as the loss of someone who is still living, the loss of a relationship, and/or the awareness of losing something we have had, or never had, such as a safe childhood, (Caudle, 2018). The Covid pandemic has created not only much too much traditional grief of losing loved ones to Covid, but also countless scenarios of ambiguous grief due to our changing way of life.

The most impactful change in our world during this time, has been the necessity of social or physical distancing in order not to spread Covid. The isolation of physical distancing has created a sense of deep loneliness for many people. Our brains are hard-wired to connect with others, and for many, this connection needs to happen in person, rather than via technology. Depression, anxiety, addictions, other mental health issues have increased for many people during this time, due to not getting enough connection in the ways that work for them. I prefer to use the term ‘physical distancing’ rather than social distancing, because what we are really doing is disconnecting physically from those whom we do not other wise live with; we do not have to disconnect socially, in fact, we are encouraged to connect socially in safe ways, such as via Zoom, facebook, facetime, safe outdoor connects, etc. In fact, social connections are important now more than ever, because we are not having regular daily connections with others.

If we look deeply, we have been grieving for our former way of life these past few months, because our way of moving through the world has been drastically changed. We are not socializing in person as much, we are not working in offices with others, our kids are not attending school in person, public places to assemble, such as places of worship, parks, and restaurants have been closed, etc., the list goes on. The ambiguous grief of no longer having daily connections with others is something very real to be acknowledged, honored, and felt.

Grief is a very common feeling that oftentimes gets overlooked, and it seems to be at the foundation of much of what we oftentimes suffer, such as anxiety, depression, addiction, etc. When we have deep Grief Awareness, we have a connection to the very deepest parts of ourselves and what experiences and feelings cause us so much pain. When we have grief awareness and effective grief processing tools, we have the power to honor our grief, feel it, and move forward.

Stay tuned for more posts about Ambiguous Grief During Covid.

To be a part of Dr. Caudle’s Grief Workshops, please email her at Sophia@bullcitypsychotherapy.com or call 919-382-0288.

Ambiguous Grief and the New Year: How Can We Feel Optimistic About Starting a New Year When We Feel Ambiguous Grief?

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ambiguous grief winter Bull City Psychotherapy Sophia Caudle

For many, the holidays and the start of a new year can be a joyous time. For others, the start of a new year can be a reminder of what we have lost or what we have never had.

For those of us who feel ambiguous grief during the holidays, here are some tips you can incorporate into your day that will truly transform how to perceive your life. For starters, it is so important that we first identify and even write down our blessings or parts of our life that we feel much gratitude for. I like identifying at least three things I feel grateful for as I am settling in to practice mindfulness meditation. I do this in a very self aware and intentional manner, with full attention and imagery in my mind for what or who I am grateful for. Other people like to keep a daily gratitude journal. This is also extremely helpful. The process of writing down what we are grateful for really solidifies the authenticity of feeling grateful for something specific. And others like to fill a jar or box with gratitudes and periodically read them for an emotional boost and reality check when we are feeling down.

I also think it is critical that we allow time and space to actually feel the feelings of ambiguous grief that we may not want to feel. If we have lost someone who is still living, or we are mourning something we never had, such as a loving relationship with a parent, then we need to honor our feelings and allow them to be felt, rather than pushing them away or numbing out with addictions or other distracting behaviors.

For me, I use certain time during my mindfulness practice to be devoted to feeling ALL of the feelings I need to feel, especially the ones that I don’t want to feel. When I do this, my feelings of ambiguous grief do not torment me as much in my daily life at work or with family. I give myself the gift of feeling my true feelings without judgment. There are many other ways you might find work for you to feel your true feelings; possibly with a trusted friend, or a counselor, journal writing, etc.; these are all great, just find what works best for you.

In the end, just because a new year is starting does not mean our feelings of ambiguous grief are simply going to disappear. Grief is a feeling that needs to be honored, processed, and felt. There is no time frame for grief. Grief can also turn into complicated grief or depression, so if you are stuck, then please seek professional help. If you are, however, honoring your true feelings and working through the ambiguous grief, then you are not stuck, you are successfully feeling the hard work of processing grief.

Ambiguous grief may come and go, especially if the person your mourn is still alive, and you see him or her. Anytime we experience loss or negative feelings, our underlying feelings of ambiguous grief can be triggered, and if this happens it is perfectly normal. When you notice you are triggered, practice the tools that work for you, such as creating a gratitude list or calling a trusted friend to share.

Dr. Sophia Caudle relationship therapist

If you are experiencing ambiguous grief and you would like to schedule an individual intensive with Dr. Caudle, please email her at Sophia@bullcitypsychotherapy.com.

Ambiguous grief intensives focus on identifying, processing, and moving through grief with experiential work and research based therapies.

How Can We Feel Thankful if We Are Experiencing Ambiguous Grief?

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Thanksgiving Ambiguous Grief Disappointment Sophia Caudle Bull City Psychotherapy

 

 

Thanksgiving is a holiday where we are reminded to count our blessings and be thankful. However, for many of us it is a reminder of who we have lost and what we do not have. If we have lost a loved one who is still living, and we feel grief or sadness still, then we are possibly experiencing ambiguous grief. Ambiguous Grief is the feeling experienced when we lose a loved one who is still alive. This can be due to divorce, diagnosis, disclosure of traumatic information, or change of a relationship.

How can we feel thankful if someone we love is no longer in our lives, but still living, and we miss them terribly? How can we feel thankful if our loved one has a mind altering diagnosis, such as Dimentia or Alzheimer’s, and they are not the same person we used to love? How can we feel thankful if we recently discovered that our life partner has spent most of the retirement savings, in an investment that he/she never discussed with us? These are just a few examples of how ambiguous grief can present in our lives. And expanding upon the original definition, ambiguous grief also applies to the awareness of what we never had, yet we knew we needed, such as loving, healthy, or safe childhood.

Yes, it is very painful to experience loss, regardless of the cause. However, after a loved one passes, we do not hope they will return, because rationally we know that they will not, and with ambiguous grief, during the holidays especially, we might still hope that our living loved one might return to our former relationship.

How can we move through ambiguous grief and still feel thankful during this holiday season? First, it is so very critical to be mindful and stay in the present moment; meaning make efforts to keep your focus on this day, rather than the days of the past. This takes practice, but if you practice Mindfulness Meditation, your mind can learn the practice of staying in the present rather than looking backwards, or being preoccupied with preparing for the future. Staying in the present moment can help us appreciate what we DO have. Notice the small things that the present moment can offer you, such as, food to eat. How does each morsel and bite taste in your mouth? Next, notice and appreciate the people you are sharing your time with, whether they are family, friends, strangers, or a ‘chosen family’. Notice them for who they ARE. Appreciate them for their uniqueness, and most importantly, appreciate them for sharing their time with YOU. Try to appreciate your loved ones as they are, and try not to make assumptions about who you think they are based on your ambiguous grief. Finally, be thankful for YOURSELF. You are the most important person in your own life, and as such, you can be thankful for simply, being.  Try writing a gratitude list for what you notice and appreciate in your present moment awareness.

However, keeping your mind in the present also means acknowledging any ambiguous grief that you may be feeling, and allowing the feeling to be felt. This is so important, because ambiguous grief needs to be felt in order for us to move through it. Notice I said ambiguous grief needs to be felt, not obsessed about. There is a difference between feeling and thinking. A feeling is something that we can feel inside our bodies. If we start engaging the brain and think about what we are feeling, then that feeling can turn into anxiety, and then our thinking evolves into obsessing and ruminating. When this happens we are not staying in the present moment. It is important to find a safe way to feel your ambiguous grief. You can plan this in many ways, such as with a friend, with a sponsor, with a counselor, in a support group, or by writing in a journal, during meditation, or by creating a personal ritual that represents you moving through your ambiguous grief.

So, yes we can feel thankful even if we are feeling ambiguous grief. In short, we can do this by focusing on the present moment and noticing the small gifts we have, even while acknowledging the grief we may still feel.

Thanksgiving Ambiguous Grief Disappointment Sophia Caudle Bull City Psychotherapy