The Importance of Making Your Life Small When Experiencing Deep Grief

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By Dr. Sophia, Betty’s Daughter

Recently, my husband, Adam, gave me some of the most important and helpful advice I have ever received. He was preparing to leave town for work for a while, and I would be helping my mother on my own. He also did it in such a way, that I could deeply see and hear his meaning. He took my hands, sat me down, and he sat across from me, and he asked me to eye gaze with him, then he started giving me simple, easy instruction in a soft, slow, and loving manner.

This advice was: ‘You are OK, and will be OK while I am away. Please think about how you can live a small life, and only do what helps you and your mother, and nothing else. Keep working, because you love your work and it makes you happy. You must get to the gym every day, because this keeps you sane. You must do restorative yoga and meditate, because this keeps you calm. See your friends for support. Be a golf range rat and focus on your swing. Only do what you can control. Do not get involved with people outside of this small space. Make everything small. We will Facetime daily. I will be back and we will stay connected while I am away. Enjoy your mother.’

Only do what you can control. Do not get involved with people outside of this small space. Make everything small.

Not only did my husband really show me who he deeply is in that moment, but he conveyed something absolutely critical in this time of live grief, that my life needs to be small, safe, and contained for my well-being. He has been partnering with me in finding the balance of providing care for my mother, self care, and feeling grief. He was concerned that after he left town, I would go into Super Woman mode and do everything for everyone all the time, and then have nothing left for myself, and eventually crash and burn. His message hit home for me and has kept me in a safe space while he has been away. His message also reminded me of all I know about taking care of myself first, then giving others my overflow.

However, during my deep grief with the end of life of my mother looming, I need much more than the simple codependency tools I live by, I have had to drastically reduce the size of my life. This does not mean that I am isolating and doing nothing of importance, rather it means that I have created a very simple, yet helpful basic schedule, which is providing me stability and consistency. I am focusing on creating more energy than I am expending. I am asking others for help. I am setting limits. In essence, I am letting go. I am inviting others to help. I am taking care of myself, so when I am with my mom, I am fully present with her and tending to her needs. I am not exhausted when I am with her, rather we are laughing and continuing to build our bond, even in our shared sadness.

If I was filling my life with distractions and denial, I would not be able to healthily feel my grief and be present with my mother. Once again, I have proven to myself the Super Healing Power of Grief. My ability to feel grief in a healthy way is inviting me into a deeper relationship with my mother. I can feel that she senses my safe openness, and she is receptive; she shares with me things I have never known about her, she is feeling hard feelings with me, and I am able to be present with her.

My ability to feel grief in a healthy way is inviting me into a deeper relationship with my mother.

The shared grief with my husband has also brought us closer. Healthy couples get closer in difficult times and share a stronger connection, especially after the difficult time has passed.

Our ability to feel grief at helpful times allows us to experience deeper relationship connection with others. Grief Tolerance=Intimacy Tolerance. The joy of deep connection is only possible with the balance of stepping into the natural grief life brings all of us. The fullness of emotions is a ‘Both/And’ not an either/or.

The joy of deep connection is only possible with the balance of stepping into the natural grief life brings all of us. The fullness of emotions is a ‘Both/And’ not an either/or. 

This small and simple life I am living is creating a safe and predictable daily pattern for my nervous system, so I am calm and present, and not exhausting myself while I am caring for my mother everyday. I am gradually building energy during this time, while still staying connected to myself. Most importantly, my smaller life is making it possible for me to be excited about finishing work and then going to be with my mom for a few laughs.

Thanks for reading about my grief journey. I am learning so much and feeling very blessed. If you find this helpful, I am so glad, please also share with someone who may find it useful.

Until next time…..be well, and enjoy a small life☺

Real Grief in Real Time Grief Expert Shares Her Real Greif with Her Aging Mother’s Decline

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As I am present in my grief experience with the age decline of my mother, one of the areas I have noticed that is really helpful to her, is when I can simply be WITH her while she is feeling her feelings. This may sound easy, but how often do we get uncomfortable when someone else is expressing difficult feelings? How many times have we said or heard someone say, ‘Don’t cry’, or, ‘It’s going to be ok’? I have heard this deflection of emotion many times in my life. As a therapist, I witness daily how people get very uncomfortable when someone feels sad. One of the main things we work on in couples therapy or any relationship focused therapy is simply learning the emotional skill to BE WITH ANOTHER WHILE THEY ARE FEELING THEIR FEELINGS.

Being with someone while they are in their own feelings is a learned skill. This is actually very different than empathy, although they can be related at times and for different purposes. Being with another in their feelings means we make the experience about them, not us. Our discomfort, our sadness, our overwhelm is about us, and we should not make our feelings about them; rather we must feel our own feelings while we are WITH the person feeling their difficult feelings about end of life. This is hard. This is not easy. This is what it means to be in intimacy and connection with self and another, at the same time. This is the selfless relationship experience of knowing that, ‘I am ok, no matter what.’ ‘I am OK, even when my loved one is sad and/or scared about dying.’ When we become capable of feeling our feelings and knowing how to comfort ourselves in a healthy manner, it becomes much easier to learn this skill of being with others in very difficult feelings. Of course I am sad sometimes when I am with my mother, but I have learned the skill to both feel my feelings at the same time she is experiencing her feelings, and all of this ideally can happen at the same time together, focusing on our authentic experience together in intimacy and connection.

So, what does this look like?

When someone is very sad or overwhelmed about age, or a physical diagnosis where life will be ending soon, here are some practices:

  1. Hold their hand, touch is very helpful to give comfort and settles the nervous system
  2. Rub someone’s back while they are sad or crying
  3. Hugs can be helpful too
  4. Try to resist saying, “Don’t cry’ or ‘You will be fine’
  5. Try affirming and saying soothing phrases such as, ‘Yes, I know, yes, I’m here with you.’ ‘Yes, crying is ok and I’m here with you.’
  6. Or simply being silent and touch can work too, but if we are too silent, usually people start apologizing for feeling their feelings and crying and we need to reassure them that we are ok with their feelings.
  7. Also, important, find the genuine laughter that is also present in many relationships during these times in life, and experience that together too.
  8. Try to be present for whatever bubbles up as you are together, but remember to make this time about the other person. Try to feel, but also find support for yourself on your own time.

Even during this time, my mother and I laugh a lot together. We are experiencing a very special thing: The fullness of life and pending death together in safe relationship. This is a gift I learned from my Mother, that I am honored to give back to her, because she earned it and as a human, she deserves this.

Next Installment:

       The Benefits of Making Your Life Small During Grief

Grief Expert Processes Real Grief In Real Time

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Grief Expert Processes Real Grief In Real Time

By Dr. Sophia Caudle, aka Betty’s Daughter

GriefI am Dr. Sophia Dorton Caudle and I am experiencing the ambiguous grief of my aging mother, and also preparing for her future passing at this stage in my life.

I want to share my grief process with you, not only as a way to share healthy grieving practices while feeling my grief, but also to honor my mother and our relationship.

The grief of a loved one’s passing begins long before someone dies. Ambiguous grief, in the case of an aging parent, begins when someone begins to age and we become very aware of them not really recovering or getting better to who we remember them to be. Age is not like an illness we can recover from; rather it is the natural course of a life ending in its physical form, and aging is unstoppable for us all.

As I have been experiencing my mother’s decline over the recent years, I have felt a combination of many emotions……sadness, fear, loneliness, frustration, and sometimes anger. At this point the writing is on the wall, so to speak, and my focus is simply being with her to support her however I can, in her emotions as well as in her physical state.

My attachment with my mother is very deep. My mother and I have shared an honest and authentic relationship complete with very big and fun ‘Ups’, as well as definite ‘Downs’. My mother is an outspoken Greek woman, and she does not hold back her words, which is sometimes very funny, and sometimes not fun at all, if you are on the receiving end. This relationship with my mother has interestingly been the most ‘healthy’ relationship of my life, which seems strange to write with all the conflict we have shared. I guess what I have learned with my mother is how we can engage in conflict and it brings us closer at times, rather than pull us further apart, and for this relationship life lesson, I am truly grateful. Even though I am sad, I am incredibly grateful that the healthy parts of my attachment with my mom have taught me intimacy and relationship skills that carry over into all my relationships.

This is the power of early attachment. It sets us up for how we react or respond in our lifetime of relationships. However, even though we are ‘set up’ in our early attachment, it is our responsibility, and no one else’s, to heal our old emotional wounding and develop and grow.

I am incredibly grateful that for both of my parents, I was able long ago to work through my early attachment Original Grief, so I am capable of making this time of their lives about THEM, NOT ABOUT ME. Not about my emotional wounding, which is old news by this point in my life, not about immature and unhealthy family drama, not about anything or anyone else, focused on being with my mom, so she can feel as much peace as possible during a scary time in her life. For me, providing care and peace for someone who is nearing the end of their life is the most important thing I can do at this time.

Grief Tip: Working through my Original Grief, my early attachment grief, has prepared me to be present in the grief of losing my mother. There is only one grief neuralpathway in our brain, so it’s all connected, which means we feel all grief regardless of what the loss is. Learning to feel, process, heal, and reparent grief is a Superpower, and creates emotional and intimacy tolerance for presence in life and relationships.

In my next Grief in Real Time installment, I will share what it means to be with someone in their emotions of pending death.

 

You Don’t Need a Witness to Matter

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You don’t need a witness to matter. Why is it so important to be seen and heard by others? Why do we need others to validate and affirm us? Is this something we need to do for ourselves? Where is the line of what is healthy connection and validation, and what may be needy validation and manipulation?

Have you ever wondered about this? Sometimes when I work with couples, we work on what is healthy and helpful validation in relationships, and what may be crossing the line into needing another to validate us as a person? This can be tricky for us in relationships and in various life situations.

I work with couples everyday who battle in this way, and oftentimes the desperate need to be ‘seen and heard’ by the other becomes the obsession, rather than a helpful tool in communication and connection.

Sometimes the need to be seen and heard comes from an early childhood place of not feeling listened to, or not feeling important. These are painful and valid experiences that should have never happened, but regardless, as healthy adults, we are the only people who can heal that early wounding. In other words, no amount of people seeing and hearing us can heal that pain, we must learn to see and hear ourselves and truly believe we are important. Real validation and affirmation is a learned skill that creates a deep sense of self where it is no longer a priority to be seen and heard by others, rather the feeling of wholeness is found within.

Other times, I see people demand being seen and heard as a means of, ‘if you hear me, then of course you will surely change your behavior.’ This is a common occurrence in relationships where addiction is present. The non addict is trying to be seen and heard to stop addictive behavior that is creating pain, and in a relationship where no active addiction is present this may work, but active addiction prevents this from being effective, and instead, more pain is created. 

Being seen and heard, or having a witness, is important, but it is not essential. What is essential is learning how to step into our own sense of self and empowerment and deeply knowing who we are, and acting on this if we need to.

Learning how to validate and affirm ourselves is something that we usually have to learn as adults. This is normal. Most of us do not get taught the skill of building ourselves, rather we are taught how to seek validation from others, and this is the area of work.

Get curious about yourself. What are some recurring circumstances where you feel like you want someone to notice you? Try not to judge this, but rather think about, ‘How can I notice and affirm myself first when I do this?’ Next, try doing specific tasks that directly relate to your feeling valid and important. Then, notice how you feel over time. I bet you will begin to feel more of who you already are…..feeling your True Sense of Self Empowerment.

Growing our sense of self is self empowerment, and it comes from within, not from being witnessed, seen, or heard by others. Being valued by others can be a wonderful feeling, however it can not be our life source of importance and validation. Be curious about finding your helpful balance with yourself and others.

The Spring Cleaning Of Your Mind

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Did you know that if you want to create different or healthier habits, you first must clear the clutter that clouds your mind? It is also true that if you want to do deep, meaningful healing work, you must first work through the top layering of behavioral or emotional work before we can plant deep seeds of lasting change.

Our brain can more easily create new neuralpathways after we have cleared and created more space for change. We can prepare our brain and nervous system for deep, meaningful repair or growth in many different ways.

How do we do this exactly? There many strategies to removing the top layer of dust in our minds, so we can deep clean, so to speak. One strategy is to get more sleep. Simply giving your brain and body the restorative gift of sleep can clear many distractions that prevent growth and healing. Another way to remove the top layer of dust to prepare for deeper growth is to stop drinking alcohol or other addictive behaviors. Even if we are not addicted, most addictive behaviors can lock our brain in stuckness and hold us back from desired change. Journaling, meditation, and certain types of exercise can also help prepare us for deep change work. Basic CBT is also helpful to assist in challenging the top layer of clutter we all carry from time to time in our minds.

If you have access to psychotherapy, EMDR is very effective to clear the top layer of noise and then create deep lasting change, if you work with a therapist who knows how to do this deeper work.

The purpose of clearing the top layer is to more easily access the foundational parts of us where deep change can occur; this can be more permanent than creating ‘new habits’, which oftentimes do not last, and can be short term and fleeting.

How might YOU want to clear the clutter of your mind for a deep Spring cleaning? Think about trying one or two easy lifts that you will be able to ‘feel’ the difference. It is so important that what you do creates a better feeling for you, so take some time to explore and see what is a good match for you.

For me, I am adding more restorative yoga into my routine, which helps my nervous system remain settled. I am also working on my bioidentical hormones and improving the length and quality of my sleep, as these are related and I can feel my body shifting again. I have also stopped drinking alcohol except for rare and special occasions, so I can continue to move my brain and body into more overall health and well-being. Finally, I am deeply curious and committed to becoming more and more expert at growing and sustaining long term, healthy and fun emotional and sexual intimacy. None of this is possible with a top layering of dust bunnies preventing my focus into myself, my relationships, and my life around me.

Enjoy this season of Spring cleaning your mind! See what you can grow within yourself, your relationships and your life! ☺

HAPPY SPRING!!!

Addiction Excitement

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What is addiction excitement? If you have ever been addicted to something or someone, and you are lucky enough to be in recovery, then you will know what I am referring to. For the rest of us, here is an explanation.

Addiction excitement is part of the feeling of what feels good while in our addiction. For most people, addiction excitement is very powerful, and it is not realized as unhealthy when our addiction is in its beginning stages. In those early stages, that excitement feels fun, happy, and like we finally belong. Addiction excitement can also feel like, or be associated with, LOVE. If this sense of love connected to addiction occurs,  it can be very difficult to tease out what is healthy and what is not.

Addiction excitement also becomes very fleeting and brief as the addiction grows, and the hard parts of being an active addict become more frequent and dominant. So, the addict is constantly chasing the addiction excitement, and the addiction excitement becomes harder and harder to ‘catch’, until ultimately at some point, impossible to feel again. This is part of one’s addiction cycle.

When people begin to consider addiction recovery, it feels very ‘boring’ to be in recovery. We hear this a lot! For the active addict, addiction excitement can become the only source of fun or connection, and to be without the addiction can seem like a terrible choice of doom and aloneness. 

For recovering addicts, we get to know the feeling of addiction excitement well, and it can become our ‘friend’ as it serves as a crucial signal, making us aware of something or someone who is unsafe to us. For instance, when we feel the sense of addiction excitement, then we can choose to do something different that keeps us sober and emotionally connected.

So, how do we know the difference between addiction excitement and regular excitement? This is a great question, and the answers can be different for everyone, however, it boils down to 

1) How we feel, 2) How others feel, and 3) Are we at peace with our behaviors and the outcomes?

If we feel happy or excited and we believe our actions will lead us to joy and connection, then it is likely we are in healthy excitement.

Conversely, If we are feeling lonely, or we are with emotionally unsafe people, then it is easier to follow addiction excitement in order to feel worthy…..this is a dangerous choice that can lead to addiction patterns, as well as unhealthy relationships.

Addiction excitement is oftentimes misunderstood as intimacy, or healthy sex, or love, and this is false. Healthy relationships can certainly have deep intimacy, hot sex, and passionate love, but we should feel safe, connected, and strong in ourselves and relationship, rather than hurt or sad, which often happens with addiction excitement. 

Again, this confusion of addiction excitement or not, typically occurs towards the beginning of a relationship, but sometimes in very unhealthy relationships, it can continue throughout and become part of the norm. In these situations, we need to seek professional help. Ideally, we want to be able to learn ourselves, so we can figure out what is healthy excitement and what is addiction excitement. 

So, I invite you to be curious about where your excitement is coming from, and how you can cultivate more healthy excitement into your life.

Modern Codependency

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modern codependency

Codependency is much more than simply about addiction. Codependency can not be reduced to ‘control’ or ‘enabling’ behaviors. There is also nothing wrong with being codependent, as we all learn codependent tendencies when we are very young, as a result of early emotional needs not being fully and consistently met by our Caregivers.

Modern Codependency© is the focus outside of ourselves on other people, places, or things, typically as a means to seek and receive validation or affirmation, when we do not know how to focus on ourselves and validate and affirm ourselves in a healthy and interdependent manner, (Caudle, 2022).

All of us experience some kind of early emotional needs not being fully met around care, comfort, safety, nurturing, and/or affection, and when this universal experience happens, it creates a survival response in us to try to get others to meet our needs. This is very normal, because when we are young, we must rely on others to meet our needs. The potential issue happens when we are not guided and taught how to meet our own needs healthily, and our survival skills also continue to grow, this can create issues for us in our relationships. This is when codependency can become a problem, because we abandon ourselves while we are focused outside of ourselves, seeking and expecting others to meet our needs. This is an attachment habit that is learned and reinforced over time. This habit can also be identified, unlearned, healed, and learned in a new and helpful manner.

There is no shame or stigma around codependency. This is a universal experience with varying thoughts, behaviors, and tendencies. The healing work of codependency is empowering and foundational to moving through our attachment wounding and fully showing up in our lives and relationships today. The growth of learning to meet our own needs, so we can be whole on our own, and at the same time be in relationship with others is a brave process that leads us into healthy interdependence in our relationships. 

Sex and Sports Performance: There May Be More in Common Than We Think

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Both sex and sports are activities that can sometimes cause us to be in our head instead of being in the moment and being present. For some people, the pressure of ‘performing’ can move us out of our authentic state of being into a false self where we may feel like an actor in our own life. 

The language and notion of ‘performing’ can actually assist us towards our false self. Let me explain, when we think about sex and/or sports as a performance, rather than conscious and connected living, we tend to evaluate ourselves based on how we think we should be or what others think of us, rather than what we think of ourselves and how we feel. Performing is what actors do on the stage. Our real life should not be a performance, but rather a conscious life, including connection with ourselves, others, and feeling all of our feelings in helpful ways. In regards to sex and sports, if we get too disconnected from ourselves and our feelings and we focus solely on performance, this process in itself will eventually result in poor ‘performances’, because our feelings at some point will break through and our observable abilities will be affected. 

In my practice, I work with many men whose performance anxiety creates serious impairment in their physical successes, not due to a physical issue, but rather due to their false self being in control for too long, and not working on growing their true sense of self while focusing on physical ability and prowess.

When we focus too heavily on performance, rather than a more balanced goal set including both mental mastery and physical excellence, we can become unbalanced, disconnected, and sometimes find ourselves creating anxiety if we do not perform at our expected or desired level. 

Both sex and sports require conscious connection within ourselves if we want to sustain excellence. Performance without mental and emotional mastery eventually can wane, and if we are not consciously connected, it can be difficult to recover, so we can show up in our true and best self.
If you want to be a Mental Master and learn how to recover from performance anxiety, contact Dr. Sophia at sophia@queencityhealthysex.com or text only at 919-698-7061.

The Psychology of Professional Sports: 90 % Mental Brain Training

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At the elite sports level, all athletes are incredibly physically talented and capable. What creates the space for the win? The answer is, the brain.

Our brain’s ability to build tolerance and show up in the pressure is a skill we can practice, just like shooting countless free throws or hitting numerous buckets of balls on the range. 

The deep psychology of sports is very much about the mastery of brain and nervous system training, as well as physical skills’ repetition and mastery.

How does one do this? There are many tricks to being capable of showing up in excellence while in the pressure. Mindfulness, meditation, imagery, visualization, etc. are some of the old tried and true tools. However, when we focus solely on these techniques, we are leaving out the most important brain skill: Building tolerance to feel all feelings fully. Learning how to develop a flexible brain and feel our feelings in a healthy manner is the single most important brain and nervous system skill we can learn to stay present and show up in life. When we learn to invite our feelings to be felt fully, we set ourselves up towards our greatest potential of overall success. Conversely, when we expend our energy attempting to control our feelings, which is not only unhealthy, but for the most part impossible, as it will eventually backfire and bubble up, typically at the most inopportune timing. Examples of emotions getting away from elite athletes are a fight breaking out in a game or crumbling under increasing pressure. When we don’t learn to feel our feelings in safe ways, during safe times, and we are continuously in a pressured situation, this is when emotional dysregulation can prevent us from our greatness.

Emotions are meant to be honored and felt. How can we learn to feel our feelings and show up at our highest level in the pressure? For example, when we have anxiety, one of the best ways to overcome anxiety is to build emotional tolerance, and invite our anxiety fully, in safe ways, and with support. 

High quality psychotherapy can teach us how to move with and through our feelings, rather than try to manage feelings, again which usually creates a problem somewhere in our lives. For example, the performance-based high achiever who focuses on controlling their emotions and environment will oftentimes have a less desirable way to let off steam, such as anger, rage, or addiction. Participating in high quality psychotherapy, that also includes body based non-talk therapy, can teach us to train our brain and nervous system to be connected, present, and show up at all times in our authentic self, AND perform at our highest level. 

When we get to know our feelings, we can learn how to either let them pass, or tend to them. Accepting and feeling feelings is a superpower, so our energy is available for performance and success rather than ‘control’, which is oftentimes false and fleeting.

To work with Dr. Caudle, and learn to perform at your highest level, contact her at sophia@queencityhealthysex.com or text her at 919-698-7061.

Codependency and Grief: Are These Feeling States Connected?

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Codependency and Grief

Do you sometimes feel sad or lonely when a loved one does not know how to ‘make you feel better’? Have you ever felt left out by a group of friends? Do you sometimes feel scared, fearful, or abandoned in important relationships?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then your original attachment grief and codependency are likely very connected to how you feel in relationships.

Both attachment original grief and codependency are formed in us at very early ages and experiences. Original attachment grief are the feelings we are left with when we do not get enough of our emotional and/or physical needs met by our early caregivers. When we do not get enough of our early needs met, we begin to develop survival tools to try and get others to meet our needs, and this is how we learn codependent patterns in relationships.

Both early attachment grief and codependency are born out of not getting enough of our needs met, so yes, they are definitely connected.

For codependency, when we expect a loved one should be able to read our mind and help us feel better, that is going to always fall short, as others are not powerful enough to make us feel better, rather that is a healthy adult skill we must learn how to do for ourselves. When our loved one cannot ‘make us feel better’, that feeling is going to feel like the original attachment grief we experienced as young children. So, the cycle of original attachment grief and codependency becomes it’s own way of feeling and perceiving the world and those around us.

We feel lack. We feel alone. We wonder why no one wants to meet our needs and be in connected relationship with us. Sometimes, we even feel unworthy and not important, and no one loves us.

Original grief creates the codependent survival tools that we use to try to feel better, when we feel empty and alone.

The cure for both of these feeling states lies in the super healing power of deep grief. When we can learn how to decode and access our deep Original Grief, we can heal at the deepest of levels. We can cure both our attachment issues as well as codependency, both if unhealed disrupts healthy relationship participation and responses.

If you want to learn how to heal and feel transformed, contact me at sophia@queencityhealthysex.com

You can also purchase Original Grief Workshops at www.drsophiashealingshop.com

Check me out on www.intherooms.com every Wednesday noon EST, Codependency, Grief, and Relationships meeting

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