Addiction Excitement

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What is addiction excitement? If you have ever been addicted to something or someone, and you are lucky enough to be in recovery, then you will know what I am referring to. For the rest of us, here is an explanation.

Addiction excitement is part of the feeling of what feels good while in our addiction. For most people, addiction excitement is very powerful, and it is not realized as unhealthy when our addiction is in its beginning stages. In those early stages, that excitement feels fun, happy, and like we finally belong. Addiction excitement can also feel like, or be associated with, LOVE. If this sense of love connected to addiction occurs,  it can be very difficult to tease out what is healthy and what is not.

Addiction excitement also becomes very fleeting and brief as the addiction grows, and the hard parts of being an active addict become more frequent and dominant. So, the addict is constantly chasing the addiction excitement, and the addiction excitement becomes harder and harder to ‘catch’, until ultimately at some point, impossible to feel again. This is part of one’s addiction cycle.

When people begin to consider addiction recovery, it feels very ‘boring’ to be in recovery. We hear this a lot! For the active addict, addiction excitement can become the only source of fun or connection, and to be without the addiction can seem like a terrible choice of doom and aloneness. 

For recovering addicts, we get to know the feeling of addiction excitement well, and it can become our ‘friend’ as it serves as a crucial signal, making us aware of something or someone who is unsafe to us. For instance, when we feel the sense of addiction excitement, then we can choose to do something different that keeps us sober and emotionally connected.

So, how do we know the difference between addiction excitement and regular excitement? This is a great question, and the answers can be different for everyone, however, it boils down to 

1) How we feel, 2) How others feel, and 3) Are we at peace with our behaviors and the outcomes?

If we feel happy or excited and we believe our actions will lead us to joy and connection, then it is likely we are in healthy excitement.

Conversely, If we are feeling lonely, or we are with emotionally unsafe people, then it is easier to follow addiction excitement in order to feel worthy…..this is a dangerous choice that can lead to addiction patterns, as well as unhealthy relationships.

Addiction excitement is oftentimes misunderstood as intimacy, or healthy sex, or love, and this is false. Healthy relationships can certainly have deep intimacy, hot sex, and passionate love, but we should feel safe, connected, and strong in ourselves and relationship, rather than hurt or sad, which often happens with addiction excitement. 

Again, this confusion of addiction excitement or not, typically occurs towards the beginning of a relationship, but sometimes in very unhealthy relationships, it can continue throughout and become part of the norm. In these situations, we need to seek professional help. Ideally, we want to be able to learn ourselves, so we can figure out what is healthy excitement and what is addiction excitement. 

So, I invite you to be curious about where your excitement is coming from, and how you can cultivate more healthy excitement into your life.

Modern Codependency

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modern codependency

Codependency is much more than simply about addiction. Codependency can not be reduced to ‘control’ or ‘enabling’ behaviors. There is also nothing wrong with being codependent, as we all learn codependent tendencies when we are very young, as a result of early emotional needs not being fully and consistently met by our Caregivers.

Modern Codependency© is the focus outside of ourselves on other people, places, or things, typically as a means to seek and receive validation or affirmation, when we do not know how to focus on ourselves and validate and affirm ourselves in a healthy and interdependent manner, (Caudle, 2022).

All of us experience some kind of early emotional needs not being fully met around care, comfort, safety, nurturing, and/or affection, and when this universal experience happens, it creates a survival response in us to try to get others to meet our needs. This is very normal, because when we are young, we must rely on others to meet our needs. The potential issue happens when we are not guided and taught how to meet our own needs healthily, and our survival skills also continue to grow, this can create issues for us in our relationships. This is when codependency can become a problem, because we abandon ourselves while we are focused outside of ourselves, seeking and expecting others to meet our needs. This is an attachment habit that is learned and reinforced over time. This habit can also be identified, unlearned, healed, and learned in a new and helpful manner.

There is no shame or stigma around codependency. This is a universal experience with varying thoughts, behaviors, and tendencies. The healing work of codependency is empowering and foundational to moving through our attachment wounding and fully showing up in our lives and relationships today. The growth of learning to meet our own needs, so we can be whole on our own, and at the same time be in relationship with others is a brave process that leads us into healthy interdependence in our relationships. 

Sex and Sports Performance: There May Be More in Common Than We Think

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Both sex and sports are activities that can sometimes cause us to be in our head instead of being in the moment and being present. For some people, the pressure of ‘performing’ can move us out of our authentic state of being into a false self where we may feel like an actor in our own life. 

The language and notion of ‘performing’ can actually assist us towards our false self. Let me explain, when we think about sex and/or sports as a performance, rather than conscious and connected living, we tend to evaluate ourselves based on how we think we should be or what others think of us, rather than what we think of ourselves and how we feel. Performing is what actors do on the stage. Our real life should not be a performance, but rather a conscious life, including connection with ourselves, others, and feeling all of our feelings in helpful ways. In regards to sex and sports, if we get too disconnected from ourselves and our feelings and we focus solely on performance, this process in itself will eventually result in poor ‘performances’, because our feelings at some point will break through and our observable abilities will be affected. 

In my practice, I work with many men whose performance anxiety creates serious impairment in their physical successes, not due to a physical issue, but rather due to their false self being in control for too long, and not working on growing their true sense of self while focusing on physical ability and prowess.

When we focus too heavily on performance, rather than a more balanced goal set including both mental mastery and physical excellence, we can become unbalanced, disconnected, and sometimes find ourselves creating anxiety if we do not perform at our expected or desired level. 

Both sex and sports require conscious connection within ourselves if we want to sustain excellence. Performance without mental and emotional mastery eventually can wane, and if we are not consciously connected, it can be difficult to recover, so we can show up in our true and best self.
If you want to be a Mental Master and learn how to recover from performance anxiety, contact Dr. Sophia at sophia@queencityhealthysex.com or text only at 919-698-7061.

The Psychology of Professional Sports: 90 % Mental Brain Training

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At the elite sports level, all athletes are incredibly physically talented and capable. What creates the space for the win? The answer is, the brain.

Our brain’s ability to build tolerance and show up in the pressure is a skill we can practice, just like shooting countless free throws or hitting numerous buckets of balls on the range. 

The deep psychology of sports is very much about the mastery of brain and nervous system training, as well as physical skills’ repetition and mastery.

How does one do this? There are many tricks to being capable of showing up in excellence while in the pressure. Mindfulness, meditation, imagery, visualization, etc. are some of the old tried and true tools. However, when we focus solely on these techniques, we are leaving out the most important brain skill: Building tolerance to feel all feelings fully. Learning how to develop a flexible brain and feel our feelings in a healthy manner is the single most important brain and nervous system skill we can learn to stay present and show up in life. When we learn to invite our feelings to be felt fully, we set ourselves up towards our greatest potential of overall success. Conversely, when we expend our energy attempting to control our feelings, which is not only unhealthy, but for the most part impossible, as it will eventually backfire and bubble up, typically at the most inopportune timing. Examples of emotions getting away from elite athletes are a fight breaking out in a game or crumbling under increasing pressure. When we don’t learn to feel our feelings in safe ways, during safe times, and we are continuously in a pressured situation, this is when emotional dysregulation can prevent us from our greatness.

Emotions are meant to be honored and felt. How can we learn to feel our feelings and show up at our highest level in the pressure? For example, when we have anxiety, one of the best ways to overcome anxiety is to build emotional tolerance, and invite our anxiety fully, in safe ways, and with support. 

High quality psychotherapy can teach us how to move with and through our feelings, rather than try to manage feelings, again which usually creates a problem somewhere in our lives. For example, the performance-based high achiever who focuses on controlling their emotions and environment will oftentimes have a less desirable way to let off steam, such as anger, rage, or addiction. Participating in high quality psychotherapy, that also includes body based non-talk therapy, can teach us to train our brain and nervous system to be connected, present, and show up at all times in our authentic self, AND perform at our highest level. 

When we get to know our feelings, we can learn how to either let them pass, or tend to them. Accepting and feeling feelings is a superpower, so our energy is available for performance and success rather than ‘control’, which is oftentimes false and fleeting.

To work with Dr. Caudle, and learn to perform at your highest level, contact her at sophia@queencityhealthysex.com or text her at 919-698-7061.

Codependency and Grief: Are These Feeling States Connected?

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Codependency and Grief

Do you sometimes feel sad or lonely when a loved one does not know how to ‘make you feel better’? Have you ever felt left out by a group of friends? Do you sometimes feel scared, fearful, or abandoned in important relationships?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then your original attachment grief and codependency are likely very connected to how you feel in relationships.

Both attachment original grief and codependency are formed in us at very early ages and experiences. Original attachment grief are the feelings we are left with when we do not get enough of our emotional and/or physical needs met by our early caregivers. When we do not get enough of our early needs met, we begin to develop survival tools to try and get others to meet our needs, and this is how we learn codependent patterns in relationships.

Both early attachment grief and codependency are born out of not getting enough of our needs met, so yes, they are definitely connected.

For codependency, when we expect a loved one should be able to read our mind and help us feel better, that is going to always fall short, as others are not powerful enough to make us feel better, rather that is a healthy adult skill we must learn how to do for ourselves. When our loved one cannot ‘make us feel better’, that feeling is going to feel like the original attachment grief we experienced as young children. So, the cycle of original attachment grief and codependency becomes it’s own way of feeling and perceiving the world and those around us.

We feel lack. We feel alone. We wonder why no one wants to meet our needs and be in connected relationship with us. Sometimes, we even feel unworthy and not important, and no one loves us.

Original grief creates the codependent survival tools that we use to try to feel better, when we feel empty and alone.

The cure for both of these feeling states lies in the super healing power of deep grief. When we can learn how to decode and access our deep Original Grief, we can heal at the deepest of levels. We can cure both our attachment issues as well as codependency, both if unhealed disrupts healthy relationship participation and responses.

If you want to learn how to heal and feel transformed, contact me at sophia@queencityhealthysex.com

You can also purchase Original Grief Workshops at www.drsophiashealingshop.com

Check me out on www.intherooms.com every Wednesday noon EST, Codependency, Grief, and Relationships meeting

Also, find me at (socials here please)

Have You Ever Wondered How to Feel Your Feelings?

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Feeling our feelings can sometimes be very easy or it can seem like we can’t actually feel them, and we may feel ‘stuck’ instead. This can be different for everyone at different times in our lives, depending on what we are trying to feel, and if our subconscious brain is letting us feel.

If we are ‘stuck in my head’ that likely means we are thinking our feelings, rather than feeling them. If we are thinking our feelings, we are telling ourselves negative messaging for how we already feel.

So, how can we go from thinking our feelings to feeling our feelings?

Step 1: Let yourself think your feelings, listen to the negative messaging, and stop trying to ake the negative messages stop, just go with it and see what’s next

Step 2: Get curious

Step 3: Where in your body do you feel the Pain Point about the negative messaging?

Step 4: When you find a spot in your body that feels pain, invite your mind to travel there and remain and focus on the feeling. Our feelings actually live in our body, not our mind.

Step 5: Feel as long as you like, then get grounded and do something that helps you feel restored, for example:

-Meditate

-Have a hot cup of tea

-Use a weighted blanket

-Take a hot bath

-Connect with a safe friend and share your feelings experience

Do these steps again and again until feelings your feelings become more natural for you.

Feeling the range of your feelings is the pathway to feeling more joy, peace, and love in your life.

Why is ‘Making the Reach’ So Important in Addiction Recovery?

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‘Making the Reach’ is what I call reaching out for connection. Making the Reach is an essential component of addiction recovery and intimacy building skills. The act of Making the Reach trains our brain to attempt healthy connection with others. When we try and connect with others in healthy ways, this shifts us away from isolation, depression, fear, and addictive behaviors. Making the Reach also puts us in control of the connection we create in our lives, rather than being codependent and waiting for others to reach for us and meet our needs. There is POWER in learning to get comfortable Making the Reach.

Something that is so great about Making the Reach is that even if the person we are reaching out to does not meet us, we still benefit; meaning we benefit from reaching out to others regardless of the outcome. Of course, it feels better to receive connection from our reach, but even when that does not happen, the shift that happens in our brain and nervous system is still occurring. That’s AMAZING!!!

The more often we Make the Reach, the more healthy we become, and the more our brain and nervous system becomes calm and confident in relationships with others. We learn not to live or die by the outcome of our Reach, but rather we become safe and content in ourselves.

In addiction recovery, making phone calls and connecting with others is the thing we are taught to do when we want to act out or use. Why is this? CONNECTION is the CURE for addiction. It is a well-known fact, that people who have healthy relationships become addicts less of the time. In addiction recovery, Making the Reach is the behavior we must do……make the phone call, schedule the meeting with a sponsor, etc., rather than waiting to receive a phone call or wait for your sponsor to schedule a meeting. Making the Reach is active, not passive, and the act of Making the Reach creates brain change away from addiction.

To schedule a consultation with Dr. Sophia, please email her at sophia@queencityhealthysex.com or text her at 919-698-7061.

You can also watch her videos at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xL2wZGiTUh8

Dr. Sophia’s Call to Mental Health Therapists

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Dear Colleagues,

I am writing this blog post in hopes that you will read this and take to heart my request.

Please, please refer clients to qualified CSAT therapists if they are sex addicts or betrayed partners.

I see all too often, people not get the care they need because they work with therapists who think they can treat these issues without having extensive training. I also hear from clients on a weekly basis how upset they are that they have wasted so much time, energy, and money working with therapists who are not specially trained in this work.

The frequent results are addiction is not in check, recovery is not happening at a deep level, partners do not get the support they need and leave a relationship that could be saved if the right therapists were on the team.

Sex addiction is not basic addiction work. Sex addiction is much uglier, much more harmful in a personal and self-esteem eroding manner, and is expert at creating the worst kind of shame for an addict. The betrayal trauma of having a sex addicted partner is like no other betrayal we can experience. This type of betrayal trauma makes us think we are crazy and also makes us question if our lives are even true or real. Sex addiction destroys relationships on every level.

Sex therapy is not sex addiction recovery expertise.

There is so much extensive training we CSAT’s do, so we can effectively treat addicts, partners, couples, etc., in their recovery, so they can decide the path that is best for them. This is very complicated work and it takes a team of true experts in the field to make this a successful recovery for our clients.

Please join us CSAT’s in this very important training, we would love to have you on our team.

If you decide it is not for you, that’s fine too, please seek a CSAT referral, or other highly trained therapist in sex addiction.

Thank you for reading and considering.

Warmly,

Dr. Sophia Dorton Caudle

What is Intensive Psychotherapy?

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What is Intensive Psychotherapy?

Intensive psychotherapy is highly effective and much faster than regular weekly therapy.

Intensive psychotherapy is typically a 4 or 8 hour session with either an individual or couple. Intensive Psychotherapy is not simple talk therapy. Intensive therapy includes intentional planning, EMDR, somatic therapies, homework, and written agreements for aftercare and follow through.

Why does Intensive Psychotherapy need to be so long?

It takes approximately 90 minutes to get into our deeper level feelings. In a typical 50 minute therapy session, we may remain in our more surface feelings, such as anger or fear, and in longer sessions we can access our root cause feelings, such as grief. Grief healing work is the deepest of work, and we want to spend time in our grief, so we can heal at our deepest level and move through and into peace and serenity.

We also want to remain in the deep grief for as long as we can, because this builds our intimacy tolerance, and allows us to Show Up more in our lives and in our relationships.

GRIEF TOLERANCE=INTIMACY TOLERANCE

Intensive Psychotherapy helps move people much more quickly out of habitual isolation, addiction, negative self talk, and unhelpful attachment habits. Two-three days of high quality intensive psychotherapy can decode a lifetime of attachment issues and unhelpful habits, provide deep healing, and teach homework for processing and moving forward.

Intensive psychotherapy is the big leagues of therapy. Intensive work is ideal for people who want to get better quickly and live the lives they deserve to live.

If interested in giving yourself the gift of high quality intensive work, please contact Dr. Sophia at 919-698-7061 or sophia@queencityhealthysex.com

What is Reparenting?

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reparenting

 

Everyone has something that needs reparenting, and this a good thing, because when we heal ourselves intentionally, then we have the power to learn how to respond to emotional triggers, instead of reacting into our triggers and then creating a big mess. Sometimes these emotional wounds can be easier to heal, and sometimes we can have very severe wounds to heal, such as severe neglect or abuse and traumas.

What we need reparenting around is connected to what we did not get in regards to Care, Comfort, Safety, Nurturing, and Affection. If there are physical needs that we did not get, then that is very important to reparent, so we do not stay stuck in our small child place of fear. If we experienced benign neglect, which is more difficult to identify, then it is still very important to heal this early wounding, because even the more quiet needs we did not get when we were little have a very serious effect on us as adults…..these early woundings are what created our attachment style, even if we never experienced trauma or abuse.

Reparenting is a way of giving ourselves what we did not get enough of as children, so we can fully show up in our healthy adult selves.

If you are interested in taking the deep dive into learning how to reparent yourself, please check out my Reparenting Workshop at www.drsophiashealingshop.com

I am also available for online or in person intensives for individual personal work, please email me at sophia@queencityhealthysex.com