Monthly Archives: July 2019

What is a Partner’s Expiration Date?

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What is a ‘Partner’s Expiration Date’? This is a great question that does not have one specific answer, because every partner is different in the time that their tolerance for their spouse/partner’s poor behavior runs out. 

In the field of addiction, whether it is alcoholism, drug addiction, sex/porn addiction, or any problematic behavior, we see partners of addicts move through the experience of living with addiction very differently. Some partners have a very brief expiration date, meaning they do not wait long before they give ultimatums for improved behavior and recovery, or else the relationship is over. The reasons for a short expiration date are varied and many; for example, it’s possible the partner has been through so much grief and trauma that he/she is exhausted and simply does not have more energy to spare towards the relationship. I have also seen that some partners are so affected when learning of a loved one’s addiction, especially sex addiction, that they know deep down they can never truly trust that person again in an intimate way, so they too end the relationship. Partners also reach their expiration dates quickly if their spouse does not choose recovery. Regardless of when or how a partner reaches their expiration date, they will feel the ambiguous grief over the end of their relationship, whether they wanted it to end or not.

However, other partner’s try their best to give it time, and their expiration date for whether or not to end the relationship is longer. Partners with longer expiration dates tend to enter into their own recovery and learn tools for living similar to their addicted partner, if he/she begins the work of Recovery. Recovery work for partners includes creating a recovery plan, learning about relationship health, such as codependency sobriety, possibly working a 12 step group such as ALANON, CODA, or ACA, therapy, support groups, etc. We see that when partners use their energy to focus on themselves instead of focusing on the addict or the addict’s acting out behaviors, their expiration date extend longer than partners who never choose to focus on themselves. 

However, there are times when partners’ expiration dates simply run out, regardless of the recovery work she/he has done. Sometimes recovery can provide meaning to a partner that it is best for the relationship to end, and this is OK too. Recovery is not necessarily a ‘relationship fixer.’  Recovery is what individuals do to heal from addiction and early life grief or trauma, and it can mean different things to different people. The beauty of recovery is that it is, in fact, healing. There is no guarantee where we end up, but if we keep working our own recovery, we definitely feel better and are healthier during our journey.

The 13 Secrets to an AMAZING sex life!  (No really, this list has research supporting it.)

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I know the title sounds like clickbait, but I couldn’t help myself.  I’m a sucker for good data, and on this – the sexiest of topics – we now have good data.

Chirsanna Northrup, Pepper Schwartz, and James Witte set out to learn about couples who had a great sex life, as well as couples who had a bad sex life.  They conducted an online study with 70,000 people in 24 countries.  They detail their findings in an amazing book titled The Normal Bar.  

Before I discuss their findings, I also want to touch on the work of Dr. John Gottman.  He is known as a research and thought leader in the space of learning what makes for great and long lasting relationships.  He’s conducted research with over 3,000 couples across 40 years (https://www.gottman.com/about/research/).

Dr. Gottman combined his data with the study from The Normal Bar and isolated 13 things all couples do who have a great sex life, and 6 things all couples do who have a bad sex life.  Without further adieu –  here’s what they found:

The 13 things that people with a great sex life do:

1. They say “I love you” every day and mean it.
2. They kiss one another passionately for no reason.
3. They give surprise romantic gifts.
4. They know what turns their partners on and off erotically. (pause and ask yourself – do you know the answers to these questions about your partner?  Do they know the answers about you?  Have you ever talked about this?)
5. They are physically affectionate, even in public.
6. They keep playing and having fun together.
7. They cuddle.
8. They make sex a priority, not the last item of a long to-do list.
9. They stay good friends.
10. They can talk comfortably about their sex life.  (Stop and ask yourself – can you do this?)
11. They have weekly dates.
12. They take romantic vacations.
13. They are mindful about turning toward each other in good times and bad.

The 6 things that people with a bad sex life do:

1. Spend very little time together during a typical week.
2. Become job-centered and/or child-centered.
3. Talk mostly about their huge to-do lists.
4. Seem to make everything else a priority other than their relationship.
5. Drift apart and lead parallel lives.
6. Are unintentional about turning toward one another to deal with life’s issues and their own feelings.

How did these lists make you feel?  How many of the things are you doing on both lists?
In my mind, many of these items fall under the heading of “simple but not easy”.  It’s simple to say, “we need to have weekly dates”.  It’s harder to find the time.  Look at your relationship.  Look at the relationships around you.  Having an amazing sex life, and a deep intimate connection over the long-term is certainly not easy.  

My other big take-away is that this list is really describing a relationship of connection.  Sure, a strong physical connection is important to make sex fun, but in order to keep it fun the connection must be deeper than that.  You must be able to talk to one another – even about difficult topics.  You need to make time for one another – even when life gets busy.  You need to do the things that nurture a good friendship – like being consistently respectful and thoughtful, and knowing when and how to apologize for wounding each other.  Authentic physical and emotional connection keeps your relationship, and your sex-life, healthy and indeed, great!  

If you notice you have some areas in your relationship that could use improvement, there is reason for hope.  We at Bull City Psychotherapy know how to help.  If you are not having a great sex life, if you are struggling to succeed in any or all of those 13 key items, give us a call.  We’ll be honored to help you improve this critical part of your most intimate relationship.  

To schedule an appointment with Matt, please call the office at (919) 382-0288 or Matt’s direct line is (919) 794-5490, or email at matt@bullcitypsychotherapy.com.