You don’t need a witness to matter. Why is it so important to be seen and heard by others? Why do we need others to validate and affirm us? Is this something we need to do for ourselves? Where is the line of what is healthy connection and validation, and what may be needy validation and manipulation?
Have you ever wondered about this? Sometimes when I work with couples, we work on what is healthy and helpful validation in relationships, and what may be crossing the line into needing another to validate us as a person? This can be tricky for us in relationships and in various life situations.
I work with couples everyday who battle in this way, and oftentimes the desperate need to be ‘seen and heard’ by the other becomes the obsession, rather than a helpful tool in communication and connection.
Sometimes the need to be seen and heard comes from an early childhood place of not feeling listened to, or not feeling important. These are painful and valid experiences that should have never happened, but regardless, as healthy adults, we are the only people who can heal that early wounding. In other words, no amount of people seeing and hearing us can heal that pain, we must learn to see and hear ourselves and truly believe we are important. Real validation and affirmation is a learned skill that creates a deep sense of self where it is no longer a priority to be seen and heard by others, rather the feeling of wholeness is found within.
Other times, I see people demand being seen and heard as a means of, ‘if you hear me, then of course you will surely change your behavior.’ This is a common occurrence in relationships where addiction is present. The non addict is trying to be seen and heard to stop addictive behavior that is creating pain, and in a relationship where no active addiction is present this may work, but active addiction prevents this from being effective, and instead, more pain is created.
Being seen and heard, or having a witness, is important, but it is not essential. What is essential is learning how to step into our own sense of self and empowerment and deeply knowing who we are, and acting on this if we need to.
Learning how to validate and affirm ourselves is something that we usually have to learn as adults. This is normal. Most of us do not get taught the skill of building ourselves, rather we are taught how to seek validation from others, and this is the area of work.
Get curious about yourself. What are some recurring circumstances where you feel like you want someone to notice you? Try not to judge this, but rather think about, ‘How can I notice and affirm myself first when I do this?’ Next, try doing specific tasks that directly relate to your feeling valid and important. Then, notice how you feel over time. I bet you will begin to feel more of who you already are…..feeling your True Sense of Self Empowerment.
Growing our sense of self is self empowerment, and it comes from within, not from being witnessed, seen, or heard by others. Being valued by others can be a wonderful feeling, however it can not be our life source of importance and validation. Be curious about finding your helpful balance with yourself and others.
