When All Three Types of Grief Are Felt at the Same Time

The end of life for a parent or caregiver is a primal and profound emotional experience that affects us in important and meaningful ways.

Some people remain in denial and largely ignore the end of life experience that is occurring. They may continue to live their life normally, in a compartmentalized manner that is based in unhealth and lacking in basic coping skills. Or they may focus on the physical issues only, and not the emotional experience that is occurring. As a therapist, and a sibling, when I have witnessed the denial of feeling grief in my family of origin, I have seen people create significant pain and suffering for themselves and others around them. The choice and inability to not feel and process grief creates more problems than it is worth. It is actually much healthier and easier to simply be in grief and honor the experience life is offering to us.

It is important to know that learning to experience the fullness of life is a ‘Both/And’ much of the time. We can both ‘live our life’ and not live in the denial of a parent’s end of life. For instance, for me, I am consciously choosing to take care of myself and take care of my mother at the same time. I am accomplishing taking care of me by making my life a little smaller and less complicated, with frequent and effective self care. I am taking care of my mother in the over flow of energy of what my Small Life is creating for me. My smaller life is also giving me the space to feel my grief as needed. I am choosing not to be in a ‘power through’ mode. Powering through is largely a state of denial and unconscious living, and should be consciously chosen only in times of crisis or deadlines. The end of life of a parent is a crisis, however it is a marathon crisis, not a sprint, so we get the opportunity to consciously make choices about how we will move through this time.

For myself, and others who choose to feel feelings and live a brave life, the end of life of our parent creates the trifecta of grief: Death Grief, Ambiguous Grief, and Original Grief all being felt at the same time.

It is so important and helpful to try our best to be conscious during this Trifecta of Grief. Since there is only one grief neuralpathway in our brain, grief gets felt almost continuously during this period, and to be able to remind ourselves of that can be helpful, even if it is still difficult.

Sometimes during the day, my mood can change very quickly from intense sadness, to contentment, to happiness, then depression. I am choosing not to read too much into any of these emotional phases, because I consciously know that I am smack in the middle of my Trifecta of Grief, and anything goes during this time. The old 12 Step slogan, ‘This Too Shall Pass’ really fits me right now. I am stable in my myriad of emotions and feel safe that I am OK and this is perfectly normal. I am choosing not to try to hold tight of any emotional states, regardless of how I feel. I am aware that I am in the middle of a Big Grief Life Experience, and as long as I stay conscious, I am OK. There is nothing I need to ‘Do’, rather this is a conscious time to be soft, slow, small, and simply feel. I am not in control. However, I can control what I do and do not do, and choosing to do very little right now is inviting me into a safe space as all three types of grief play a part in my life.

The more I step into my grief, the easier this difficult time in my life becomes. The more I step into grief, I am a better caregiver for my mother. The more I step into grief, I am more restored in my own being. The more I step into grief, I can more easily be present and let go of resentments.

This Trifecta of Grief is obviously a difficult time in life, however, it is also the deepest and most effective therapy I have ever done. In Grief, I am fully Alive. In Grief, I am building my tolerance to experience all my feelings deeply, and feeling love, joy, happiness, peace, and contentment more fully. Grief is movement. Grief is the process into lasting joy without fear.

I am deeply grateful for my ability to consciously feel grief, and I am amazed at how my mother continues to teach me and grow the very best in me.

By Dr. Sophia, Betty’s Daughter

Recently, my husband, Adam, gave me some of the most important and helpful advice I have ever received. He was preparing to leave town for work for a while, and I would be helping my mother on my own. He also did it in such a way, that I could deeply see and hear his meaning. He took my hands, sat me down, and he sat across from me, and he asked me to eye gaze with him, then he started giving me simple, easy instruction in a soft, slow, and loving manner.

This advice was: ‘You are OK, and will be OK while I am away. Please think about how you can live a small life, and only do what helps you and your mother, and nothing else. Keep working, because you love your work and it makes you happy. You must get to the gym every day, because this keeps you sane. You must do restorative yoga and meditate, because this keeps you calm. See your friends for support. Be a golf range rat and focus on your swing. Only do what you can control. Do not get involved with people outside of this small space. Make everything small. We will Facetime daily. I will be back and we will stay connected while I am away. Enjoy your mother.’

Only do what you can control. Do not get involved with people outside of this small space. Make everything small.

Not only did my husband really show me who he deeply is in that moment, but he conveyed something absolutely critical in this time of live grief, that my life needs to be small, safe, and contained for my well-being. He has been partnering with me in finding the balance of providing care for my mother, self care, and feeling grief. He was concerned that after he left town, I would go into Super Woman mode and do everything for everyone all the time, and then have nothing left for myself, and eventually crash and burn. His message hit home for me and has kept me in a safe space while he has been away. His message also reminded me of all I know about taking care of myself first, then giving others my overflow.

However, during my deep grief with the end of life of my mother looming, I need much more than the simple codependency tools I live by, I have had to drastically reduce the size of my life. This does not mean that I am isolating and doing nothing of importance, rather it means that I have created a very simple, yet helpful basic schedule, which is providing me stability and consistency. I am focusing on creating more energy than I am expending. I am asking others for help. I am setting limits. In essence, I am letting go. I am inviting others to help. I am taking care of myself, so when I am with my mom, I am fully present with her and tending to her needs. I am not exhausted when I am with her, rather we are laughing and continuing to build our bond, even in our shared sadness.

If I was filling my life with distractions and denial, I would not be able to healthily feel my grief and be present with my mother. Once again, I have proven to myself the Super Healing Power of Grief. My ability to feel grief in a healthy way is inviting me into a deeper relationship with my mother. I can feel that she senses my safe openness, and she is receptive; she shares with me things I have never known about her, she is feeling hard feelings with me, and I am able to be present with her.

My ability to feel grief in a healthy way is inviting me into a deeper relationship with my mother.

The shared grief with my husband has also brought us closer. Healthy couples get closer in difficult times and share a stronger connection, especially after the difficult time has passed.

Our ability to feel grief at helpful times allows us to experience deeper relationship connection with others. Grief Tolerance=Intimacy Tolerance. The joy of deep connection is only possible with the balance of stepping into the natural grief life brings all of us. The fullness of emotions is a ‘Both/And’ not an either/or.

The joy of deep connection is only possible with the balance of stepping into the natural grief life brings all of us. The fullness of emotions is a ‘Both/And’ not an either/or. 

This small and simple life I am living is creating a safe and predictable daily pattern for my nervous system, so I am calm and present, and not exhausting myself while I am caring for my mother everyday. I am gradually building energy during this time, while still staying connected to myself. Most importantly, my smaller life is making it possible for me to be excited about finishing work and then going to be with my mom for a few laughs.

Thanks for reading about my grief journey. I am learning so much and feeling very blessed. If you find this helpful, I am so glad, please also share with someone who may find it useful.

Until next time…..be well, and enjoy a small life☺

As I am present in my grief experience with the age decline of my mother, one of the areas I have noticed that is really helpful to her, is when I can simply be WITH her while she is feeling her feelings. This may sound easy, but how often do we get uncomfortable when someone else is expressing difficult feelings? How many times have we said or heard someone say, ‘Don’t cry’, or, ‘It’s going to be ok’? I have heard this deflection of emotion many times in my life. As a therapist, I witness daily how people get very uncomfortable when someone feels sad. One of the main things we work on in couples therapy or any relationship focused therapy is simply learning the emotional skill to BE WITH ANOTHER WHILE THEY ARE FEELING THEIR FEELINGS.

Being with someone while they are in their own feelings is a learned skill. This is actually very different than empathy, although they can be related at times and for different purposes. Being with another in their feelings means we make the experience about them, not us. Our discomfort, our sadness, our overwhelm is about us, and we should not make our feelings about them; rather we must feel our own feelings while we are WITH the person feeling their difficult feelings about end of life. This is hard. This is not easy. This is what it means to be in intimacy and connection with self and another, at the same time. This is the selfless relationship experience of knowing that, ‘I am ok, no matter what.’ ‘I am OK, even when my loved one is sad and/or scared about dying.’ When we become capable of feeling our feelings and knowing how to comfort ourselves in a healthy manner, it becomes much easier to learn this skill of being with others in very difficult feelings. Of course I am sad sometimes when I am with my mother, but I have learned the skill to both feel my feelings at the same time she is experiencing her feelings, and all of this ideally can happen at the same time together, focusing on our authentic experience together in intimacy and connection.

So, what does this look like?

When someone is very sad or overwhelmed about age, or a physical diagnosis where life will be ending soon, here are some practices:

1. Hold their hand, touch is very helpful to give comfort and settles the nervous system
2. Rub someone’s back while they are sad or crying
3. Hugs can be helpful too
4. Try to resist saying, “Don’t cry’ or ‘You will be fine’
5. Try affirming and saying soothing phrases such as, ‘Yes, I know, yes, I’m here with you.’ ‘Yes, crying is ok and I’m here with you.’
6. Or simply being silent and touch can work too, but if we are too silent, usually people start apologizing for feeling their feelings and crying and we need to reassure them that we are ok with their feelings.
7. Also, important, find the genuine laughter that is also present in many relationships during these times in life, and experience that together too.
8. Try to be present for whatever bubbles up as you are together, but remember to make this time about the other person. Try to feel, but also find support for yourself on your own time.

Even during this time, my mother and I laugh a lot together. We are experiencing a very special thing: The fullness of life and pending death together in safe relationship. This is a gift I learned from my Mother, that I am honored to give back to her, because she earned it and as a human, she deserves this.

Next Installment:

       The Benefits of Making Your Life Small During Grief