Why do we crumble sometimes when we lose a relationship or get fired from a job? Is it because our heart is broken? Maybe. But more likely, it is because we have learned to define our identity in our relationship or job, and that is a costly mistake that can create a damaging downward spiral in our self-esteem and self-worth.
Our identity should never be about anything outside of ourselves, rather our identity should be about who we are on our insides, and this is called our Sense of Self. Our Sense of Self is extremely important. Our Sense of Self is WHO WE ARE INSIDE, our Personhood, our True Self, the deep authentic self we already are inside. Unfortunately, sometimes we become overly focused outside of ourselves, so we stop knowing who we truly are. This is the brain habit of Codependency: Focus outside of ourselves that creates self-abandonment and over time, this makes us feel like we are empty and no longer have a Sense of Self.
Yes, breaking up with a lover can be deeply hurtful and devastating, but when we focus on feeling grief and building our Sense of Self, we become stronger and more ready for our next best relationship.
When we get let go from a job or choose to leave a job and feel untethered in life because we are not working, that is normal to feel uncertain, but if we only feel like a valuable person if we are working or by how much money we make, that means our Sense of Self is being ignored, and job transitions are going to devastate us. This is a real red flag of the personal work we need to do: the building of our Sense of Self.
How do we build our Sense of Self? We build our Sense of Self by shifting our primary focus to ourselves in many ways. We must learn how to validate and affirm ourselves. We must focus on care, comfort, safety, nurturing, and affection for ourselves. We also need to define ourself by WHO WE ARE rather than what we do. What we do can be fleeting, WHO WE ARE is a powerful constant, and this is our true identity. Grow who you are on the inside, and build your Sense of Self, and I promise, you will find that life experiences such as relationships and careers simply fall into place with more ease, because your anchor will be YOU.
Check out my Sense of Self Reparenting Meditation, this will help you grow your own Sense of Self. Be sure to listen to it daily, as many times as feels good to you, and listen with headphones, so you can feel the healing bilateral beats. You can access it here: