Are you feeling disconnected from your partner and find yourselves getting into the same pattern of conflict that never seems to get resolved? Perhaps you feel lonely or discounted, or maybe it’s as if you can just never get it right with your partner no matter how hard you try. If so, you’re not alone. All couples experience conflict to some degree, but what determines if it’s productive conflict or not is whether you get resolution and feel closer afterward or drift even further apart.
Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, or EFT for short, is an approach to couples counseling anchored and validated in 35 years of research and we are excited to offer it at our Durham and new Apex office locations. EFT helps couples get underneath their dysfunctional patterns of communication, or “cycle” as it’s called in EFT, to facilitate a more safe and secure bond. A common example of this cycle is when a resentful partner yells, complains, or attacks verbally. In response, the other tries to “keep the peace”, close off, keep b
usy and otherwise avoid the anger. This pattern can go round and round for years distancing partners and creating a sense of detachment, resentment and loneliness.
EFT is rooted in Attachment theory which explains that we are creatures of connection. Having a safe and trusting connection with a primary partner is fundamental to our emotional and physical well-being. Knowing that another “has our back” and is our safety net allows us to feel secure in the world so that we can most effectively engage in society, achieve our goals, and form safe and healthy connections with others.
Your EFT therapist can help you understand your cycle, make sense of it, and get underneath the anger and resentment so that you each feel heard and understood. EFT can help you move from a place of perpetual blaming and defensiveness to love and empathy and help you rediscover the love you once had. The exciting part of EFT couples counseling is that your level of distress is not a predictor of success. Often, heightened conflict is present because partners care so much and the fear of losing the other feels intolerable. We are excited to offer this couples modality to our community both in Durham and Apex. Evening and weekend appointments are available.
You can learn more about our experienced EFT therapist, Alison Sanderson, LCMHC, on this website or email her directly for an appointment at alison@bullcitypsychotherapy.com. She can see you in Durham or Apex. Saturday appointments are available at the Apex location.