What is the withholding of love? Have you ever been in a relationship and your partner was
right next to you, and you felt completely alone? I have, and it felt absolutely miserable and
hopeless.
There are so many different ways we can withhold love. First, when we do not receive the care,
comfort, safety, nurturing, and affection that we needed in early childhood, not only are our
basic needs being withheld from us, but so is love. It is in the early years ages 0-3 that we learn
to withhold love. We learn to withhold love as a method of self protection from the emotional
and/or physical neglect or deprivation we experienced from our early caregivers. This does not
necessarily mean we experienced abuse or trauma, rather emotional neglect or deprivation is
expressed from most caregivers to small children in one way or another, and it is usually very
covert and happens in typical ‘healthy’ families.
As adults, we learn ways to withhold love that are the progression of ‘what we did not get’ in
early childhood, especially if we are avoidant in our primary relationships. Avoidance of
intimate connection, people, conversation, conflict, physical affection, or emotionally difficult
topics is a primary way the withholding of love presents in a primary relationship.
There are other more covert ways we may withhold love; some examples are not being
interested in your partner, not being willing to be supportive of your partner’s feelings, only
giving to your partner in ways that are easy for you, and not what they may want/need, not
being affectionate, blaming your partner for how you feel, being in active addiction, as well as
being a person who only stays on the surface of life and does not ‘go deep’ into intimacy with
others. Some ways you might hear covert withholding are, ‘I’m fine, everything’s fine’, ‘Well,
I’m sure it will work out for you at some point’, or,’ Let me tell you everything about my day.’
These comments may seem small, however they take their toll on a relationship, and create a
space that is not validating or affirming for the individuals or couple-ship to grow.
If you are reading this and you are wondering if you are withholding, this is the perfect moment
for you to take a deep dive into this really wonderful space and get to know yourself in a
deeper, more intimate manner. If you want to share more of yourself in your relationships, in a
healthy way, you can unlearn how you withhold, and you can learn how to participate more
deeply in relationships. Your first step is to find a therapist EXPERIENCED IN INTIMACY AND/OR
SEX THERAPY if you want to grow in your primary relationship.
If you are in a relationship with a withholding partner, I see you. You ARE important, and you
DO matter. Please find a therapist WITH TRAINED EXPERIENCE IN INTIMACY and begin the
process of evaluating yourself and your relationship, either with or without your partner, in
individual and/or couples therapy. When we do our own work and healing FIRST, and we learn
to love ourselves, it makes the process of evaluating the relationship easier.
May you appreciate and enjoy your journey work.