Ambiguous Grief is the grief experienced from the loss of a loved one, who is still alive, accompanied by a change or death of the relationship. © (Caudle & Sarazin, 2018).
When we lose a loved one, and they are still alive, it can obviously be very painful. When our loved one is still living and we are not with them, sometimes we have difficulties accepting the current situation.
There are many reasons why we might lose someone we love, even if they are still living. The feeling after the loss is ambiguous grief. Ambiguous grief differs from typical grief, because our loved one has not died, but rather he/she is now absent from our life in the way we had grown accustomed to.
There are several types of ambiguous grief, and we usually can identify them in four main categories called, The 4 Big D’s. The 4 Big D’s are Divorce, Disclosure, Diagnosis, and Death of a relationship. The first of the 4 Big D’s is Divorce. This can literally mean that one can experience ambiguous grief from divorce, or we can still experience ambiguous grief when there was never a marriage, but rather a significant intimate relationship where there was a strong attachment. Whether we are the person who initiates divorce from a loved one or someone divorces us, we will likely feel ambiguous grief prior to the divorce as well as after the divorce. Many issues contribute to the ambiguous grief from a divorce. First, the time prior to the divorce can be a period of confusion, fear, and sadness, because the relationship is nearing an end, and for many people, this is where ambiguous grief begins. Ambiguous grief also continues after divorce. It is very normal for people to grieve after divorce, regardless if he/she wanted to divorce or not; there is a change in the relationship and loss of a person in our life who served a role or partnership, and regardless of our feelings, we still ‘miss’ that person, simply because of the change or void.
The second of the 4 Big D’s is Disclosure. Disclosure, simply put, is the new awareness of a loved one’s secret life. Disclosure occurs frequently in coupleships where one partner is behaving in ways that violate the trust of the relationship, and then the other partner finds out. Disclosure can also happen in relationships with our parents, children, siblings, friends, etc. Betrayals of any kind can lead to disclosures. After disclosures, it is typical for the betrayed person to feel many emotions, one of these is ambiguous grief. The betrayed partner, or person, feels ambiguous grief at the loss of the former relationship. After a painful disclosure, the relationship can be repaired, however, it will not be the same relationship. The new relationship will need to start again, with a new and detailed trust outlined, but before that can effectively happen, typically people need to grieve the loss of the old and seemingly safe relationship.
The third of the 4 Big D’s is Diagnosis. Diagnosis refers to exactly what we know the term to mean, however in the work of ambiguous grief, we begin to grieve the loss of a loved one after we learn of the diagnosis. Examples of this can be diagnoses of ALS, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, cancers, mental health diagnoses, as well as cognitive disabilities. Ambiguous grief can occur in many diagnoses, even ones that are not life-threatening. Typically, when we learn of the diagnosis of a loved one, we may begin to grieve at that moment, because the relationship, or at least our perception of it, has changed, and we are aware of how the change will affect us from that point forward.
The last of the 4 Big D’s is the Death of a Relationship. Death of a relationship is when we lose a relationship with a loved one or special person. We may or may not know the cause of the end of the relationship, but regardless we feel a void in the loss, and this is ambiguous grief. The person is still living, but the loss is so profound and deep, that it feels almost as hopeless as actual death of someone we love.
As you consider if you have experienced ambiguous grief, these broad categories can be helpful in your self-awareness. Processing ambiguous grief can be more successful if you can identify the experience in your relationships and know it as grief to move through, rather than a permanent state of mind.
Dr. Sophia D. Caudle is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Licensed Supervisor, and Educational Consultant. Under her leadership, Bull City Psychotherapy specializes in individual and group counseling for adults, adolescents, and couples. Dr. Caudle also supervises counselors who are in the process of obtaining their License in Professional Counseling.
With almost 20 years experience as a practicing counselor and psychotherapist, and as a graduate of both North Carolina Central University with a double-Masters in Community and School Counseling as well as North Carolina State University with a Doctorate in Counselor Education and School Administration, Dr. Caudle strives to provide each client with his/her own individual treatment, utilizing cognitive-based, dialectic behavioral therapy, with a reality-based emphasis. Her areas of expertise are assisting clients with depression/anxiety, bipolar, substance abuse, sex and love addiction, internet pornography, intimacy issues, gaming addiction, trauma, grief/loss, anger management, problem-solving skills, social skills training, learning challenges, behavior issues, among many others. To schedule an appointment with Dr. Caudle, please call (919) 382-0288 or email her at sophia@bullcitypsychotherapy.com.