Depression

Breathe, baby, breathe

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breathing bull city psychotherapy

A daily breathing practice is proven to be good for your mind and body.
Navy SEALS, Buddhist monks, and titans of all industries do it – you should too.
It will improve your focus, discipline, mood, stress level, coping skills, relationships,
and basically your whole life in less than 5 minutes per day! (seriously).
Read on for the 4 reasons you should have a daily breathing practice and 4 tips to
get you started.

Breathe. No really, take 5 seconds and take a deep full breath in and out. Now take
another one. Just take one more even bigger one. Congratulations. You have just
started your daily breathing practice!

I know, I know – you’re thinking, “but Matt, honestly, I’m an excellent breather. I do
it all the time, and I’m really quite good at it.”

I agree, you do it all the time, but the odds are, you’re terrible at it right now. But
don’t worry, you’ll be great soon. It will feel weird for a couple days, but it will be so
worth it. Stay with me.

The benefits of a daily breathing practice are well documented. Yes, of course, we
all breathe all the time. It’s a requirement for all carbon-based lifeforms. However,
a daily breathing PRACTICE is different from the second to second maintenance
performed by our autonomic nervous system.

The benefits:

A wide variety of studies have shown that a daily breathing practice will improve
your focus, discipline, mood, stress level, coping skills, relationships, and basically
your whole life. Here are some articles that document the benefits of controlled
breathing. They document how a daily controlled breathing practice will improve
your life and describe how these practices are implemented by Navy SEALS,
Buddhist monks, and titans of all industries. If it’s good for them, it’s good for us.

https://mobile.nytimes.com/2016/11/09/well/mind/breathe-exhale-repeat-the-
benefits-of-controlled-breathing.html?_r=3&referer=http%3A%2F%2Fm.facebook.com%2F

http://examinedexistence.com/the-navy-seal-breathing-technique-to-calm-down/
Homepage

Here are the highlights:

First – taking some control over your heart rate is excellent for your physical and
psychological health. Physically it improves the function of the parasympathetic
branch of the nervous system, which can slow heart rate and digestion and promote
feelings of calm as well as the sympathetic system, which controls the release of
stress hormones like cortisol.

Second – there are immediate benefits: controlled breathing can get you through
tough times. Yes, it will help you in times of crisis, like when you’re in a fender
bender on the highway. It will also help you when you’re being challenged in a
situation at home or at work. The sense of calm it gives you in these moments
enables you to think more clearly, more critically, and leads you to much better
outcomes in each given situation.

Third – there are delayed benefits: most practitioners report delayed benefits
throughout the day and in the days following their practice that include decreased
stress, increased capacity to handle stress, improved coping skills, improved peace
of mind. Who doesn’t need this?!

Fourth – It’s so accessible. Anyone can do this! This practice is so good for you it
feels like it should be expensive, time consuming, and difficult, but it’s actually none
of these things. It’s just new to most of us. A daily breathing practice can take less
than five minutes to reap major benefits. This is meditation for people who can’t
meditate.

DO YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES EACH DAY TO DEDICATE TO YOUR MENTAL AND
PHYSICAL HEALTH?
If the answer is “YES”, then keep reading for tips on continuing your daily practice.
Remember, you already started in the first paragraph of this post.
Essential elements of a daily breathing practice:
It must be regular – you must find a way to do this most days of a given week.
It must be focused – you should not be doing this while you’re doing something else.
That’s it.

Tips to get the most out of your daily breathing practice:
Find a comfortable place to do this. Your bed, shower, and toilet are all great places
to do some daily focused breathing. As long as you can get there regularly and be
focused – with no distractions – the location will be great.

Have a pre-routine. Do something like an environment check and a body check
before you start. This can take thirty seconds or less. Ask yourself – am I safe here?
Am I unlikely to get interrupted here? Am I comfortable here? Are my (shoulders,
neck, tongue, hands, feet, etc.) tensed or stressed?

Set a goal, like 15 breaths to start. Begin taking deep comfortable breaths and try to
focus only on your breath coming in and out of your body.

Other thoughts will enter your mind. That is ok. Notice them. DO NOT JUDGE
THEM. Then let them leave your mind. Get back to counting your breaths.
Once you get to 15 breaths, take 1 more and think about how great you are for
taking two minutes for yourself. You just improved your life. Go you!
As this gets easier, try increasing the number of breaths or the time you are
spending breathing deeply while being aware of your thoughts and NOT JUDGING
THEM.

Try this daily for two weeks. If you’re not impressed with the results then let me
know. I maintain a daily breathing practice and it keeps me in great shape to
receive your constructive feedback.

Here’s a link to some more mindfulness exercise options if breathing is getting
boring for you: http://www.pocketmindfulness.com/6-mindfulness-exercises-you-
can-try-today/

You’ve got nothing to lose and a lot to gain. If you’re ever in trouble, remember the
3 B’s of good health – breathe, baby, breathe!

Grief – a process to be shared

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Quick hits:

  • There’s no exact “right” way to grieve.
  • Give yourself a chance to recognize what you need.
  • Talk to someone about it!  
  • Grief is a human experience and you are never alone.

Like so many processes of the mind grief is filled with nuance.  

There’s no right way or timeline to grieve.  Some folks feel their grief has been processed in a matter of days.  For others it can take years. There are those who may take years before they can really begin to grieve.  All of these timelines are legitimate, valid, and understandable.

This spectrum of experience with grief can make it a challenging topic to study and discuss.  I won’t purport to have it all figured out. In my experience there are very few reliable do’s and don’ts that work for most people.  For every practice I’ve seen help someone, I could think of someone who found the opposite to be helpful.

That said, here are some guidelines that I have seen do the most good for the most folks.  Whether it’s you, or someone you love, understanding these three ideas may help with the grieving process. 

1.Give yourself the space and grace to do what you need.
Grief is personal.  Listen to what your body, mind, heart, and gut are telling you. Maybe you need a day off.  Maybe you need to stay busy. Of course there could be negative consequences for over-indulging in any one behavior – like isolating too much or staying too busy for too long so as to suppress and neglect your process.  But I have observed that tapping in to this self-awareness can be very good for us and helpful in your process. Be intentional about checking in with yourself. Spend some time reflecting on what you need in order to honor your grief and your process.  Listen to yourself. Grief is personal.

2. Try not to judge yourself.
You’ve been through something that warrants grief.  This process will be challenging enough. Try not to judge yourself for not grieving right.  Feeling things like, “should I be feeling more than this?” or “why am I taking this so hard?” can be counterproductive.  If you do find yourself doing this, try to give yourself some grace and space to relax and acknowledge the feelings as part of your process.  

Dr. Brené Brown tackles this idea of judgment as it relates to grief in her book Rising Strong.  She uses some relatable examples to help us understand that our capacity for compassion, for ourselves and others, is not finite and does not take away from our other abilities.  

Brene Brown, Rising Strong p. 8-9

Comparative suffering is a function of fear and scarcity.  Fear and scarcity immediately trigger comparison. My husband died and that grief is worse than your grief over an empty nest.  I’m not allowed to feel disappointed about being passed over for a promotion when my friend just found out that his wife has cancer.  You’re feeling shame for forgetting your son’s school play? Please – that is a first world problem. There are people dying of starvation every minute.  

The opposite of scarcity is not abundance; the opposite of scarcity is simply enough.  Empathy is not a pizza with eight slices. When you practice empathy and compassion with someone, there is not less of these qualities to go around.  There’s more.

Love is the last thing we need to ration in this world.  

The refugee in Syria doesn’t benefit more if you conserve your kindness only for her and withhold it from your neighbor who is struggling through a divorce.  Yes, perspective is critical. But I’m a firm believer that complaining is okay as long as we piss and moan with a little perspective. Hurt is hurt, and every time we honor our own struggle and the struggles of others by responding with empathy and compassion, the healing that results affects all of us.”

3.Talk to someone!
Yes – reflective time alone with your thoughts or with your higher power can be helpful.  However, prolonged isolation is almost always unhealthy. Grief is part of the human experience.  It is meant to be shared. Your pain may be unique, but you are not alone. Others have walked a similar path, and others are willing to walk with you.  Find people in your life to lean on, and if they’re not available, then reach out to a counselor. They will provide a safe place to be your partner through this difficult time.   You don’t need fixed. You’re not broken. What we need when we’re grieving is for someone to sit in the pain with us until it lessens a little bit. Your pain is real, and healing through it is a process.  Progress happens when you share it.

Lastly, as complex as it is, we do have a substantial amount of research and resources available related to grief.  For a nice summary of the stages of grief and loss, as popularly defined by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, as well as resources related to grief, here is a helpful site:

http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

All the best to you as you make your progress,

Matt

To schedule an appointment with Matt, please call the office at (919) 382-0288 or Matt’s direct line is (919) 794-5490, or email at matt@bullcitypsychotherapy.com.

Ambiguous Grief and the New Year: How Can We Feel Optimistic About Starting a New Year When We Feel Ambiguous Grief?

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ambiguous grief winter Bull City Psychotherapy Sophia Caudle

For many, the holidays and the start of a new year can be a joyous time. For others, the start of a new year can be a reminder of what we have lost or what we have never had.

For those of us who feel ambiguous grief during the holidays, here are some tips you can incorporate into your day that will truly transform how to perceive your life. For starters, it is so important that we first identify and even write down our blessings or parts of our life that we feel much gratitude for. I like identifying at least three things I feel grateful for as I am settling in to practice mindfulness meditation. I do this in a very self aware and intentional manner, with full attention and imagery in my mind for what or who I am grateful for. Other people like to keep a daily gratitude journal. This is also extremely helpful. The process of writing down what we are grateful for really solidifies the authenticity of feeling grateful for something specific. And others like to fill a jar or box with gratitudes and periodically read them for an emotional boost and reality check when we are feeling down.

I also think it is critical that we allow time and space to actually feel the feelings of ambiguous grief that we may not want to feel. If we have lost someone who is still living, or we are mourning something we never had, such as a loving relationship with a parent, then we need to honor our feelings and allow them to be felt, rather than pushing them away or numbing out with addictions or other distracting behaviors.

For me, I use certain time during my mindfulness practice to be devoted to feeling ALL of the feelings I need to feel, especially the ones that I don’t want to feel. When I do this, my feelings of ambiguous grief do not torment me as much in my daily life at work or with family. I give myself the gift of feeling my true feelings without judgment. There are many other ways you might find work for you to feel your true feelings; possibly with a trusted friend, or a counselor, journal writing, etc.; these are all great, just find what works best for you.

In the end, just because a new year is starting does not mean our feelings of ambiguous grief are simply going to disappear. Grief is a feeling that needs to be honored, processed, and felt. There is no time frame for grief. Grief can also turn into complicated grief or depression, so if you are stuck, then please seek professional help. If you are, however, honoring your true feelings and working through the ambiguous grief, then you are not stuck, you are successfully feeling the hard work of processing grief.

Ambiguous grief may come and go, especially if the person your mourn is still alive, and you see him or her. Anytime we experience loss or negative feelings, our underlying feelings of ambiguous grief can be triggered, and if this happens it is perfectly normal. When you notice you are triggered, practice the tools that work for you, such as creating a gratitude list or calling a trusted friend to share.

Dr. Sophia Caudle relationship therapist

If you are experiencing ambiguous grief and you would like to schedule an individual intensive with Dr. Caudle, please email her at Sophia@bullcitypsychotherapy.com.

Ambiguous grief intensives focus on identifying, processing, and moving through grief with experiential work and research based therapies.

How Can We Feel Thankful if We Are Experiencing Ambiguous Grief?

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Thanksgiving Ambiguous Grief Disappointment Sophia Caudle Bull City Psychotherapy

 

 

Thanksgiving is a holiday where we are reminded to count our blessings and be thankful. However, for many of us it is a reminder of who we have lost and what we do not have. If we have lost a loved one who is still living, and we feel grief or sadness still, then we are possibly experiencing ambiguous grief. Ambiguous Grief is the feeling experienced when we lose a loved one who is still alive. This can be due to divorce, diagnosis, disclosure of traumatic information, or change of a relationship.

How can we feel thankful if someone we love is no longer in our lives, but still living, and we miss them terribly? How can we feel thankful if our loved one has a mind altering diagnosis, such as Dimentia or Alzheimer’s, and they are not the same person we used to love? How can we feel thankful if we recently discovered that our life partner has spent most of the retirement savings, in an investment that he/she never discussed with us? These are just a few examples of how ambiguous grief can present in our lives. And expanding upon the original definition, ambiguous grief also applies to the awareness of what we never had, yet we knew we needed, such as loving, healthy, or safe childhood.

Yes, it is very painful to experience loss, regardless of the cause. However, after a loved one passes, we do not hope they will return, because rationally we know that they will not, and with ambiguous grief, during the holidays especially, we might still hope that our living loved one might return to our former relationship.

How can we move through ambiguous grief and still feel thankful during this holiday season? First, it is so very critical to be mindful and stay in the present moment; meaning make efforts to keep your focus on this day, rather than the days of the past. This takes practice, but if you practice Mindfulness Meditation, your mind can learn the practice of staying in the present rather than looking backwards, or being preoccupied with preparing for the future. Staying in the present moment can help us appreciate what we DO have. Notice the small things that the present moment can offer you, such as, food to eat. How does each morsel and bite taste in your mouth? Next, notice and appreciate the people you are sharing your time with, whether they are family, friends, strangers, or a ‘chosen family’. Notice them for who they ARE. Appreciate them for their uniqueness, and most importantly, appreciate them for sharing their time with YOU. Try to appreciate your loved ones as they are, and try not to make assumptions about who you think they are based on your ambiguous grief. Finally, be thankful for YOURSELF. You are the most important person in your own life, and as such, you can be thankful for simply, being.  Try writing a gratitude list for what you notice and appreciate in your present moment awareness.

However, keeping your mind in the present also means acknowledging any ambiguous grief that you may be feeling, and allowing the feeling to be felt. This is so important, because ambiguous grief needs to be felt in order for us to move through it. Notice I said ambiguous grief needs to be felt, not obsessed about. There is a difference between feeling and thinking. A feeling is something that we can feel inside our bodies. If we start engaging the brain and think about what we are feeling, then that feeling can turn into anxiety, and then our thinking evolves into obsessing and ruminating. When this happens we are not staying in the present moment. It is important to find a safe way to feel your ambiguous grief. You can plan this in many ways, such as with a friend, with a sponsor, with a counselor, in a support group, or by writing in a journal, during meditation, or by creating a personal ritual that represents you moving through your ambiguous grief.

So, yes we can feel thankful even if we are feeling ambiguous grief. In short, we can do this by focusing on the present moment and noticing the small gifts we have, even while acknowledging the grief we may still feel.

Thanksgiving Ambiguous Grief Disappointment Sophia Caudle Bull City Psychotherapy

Why Getting Enough Sleep is Critical to Your Health

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Sleep deprivation - BullCityPsychotherapy - SophiaCaudle Kim Shackleford - healthy sleep

 

The result of not sleeping is much more serious than you think.  Yes, you can wake up overtired, moody, mentally foggy, having poor energy levels without the alertness to handle tasks as you should. There are alarming things that happen when you do not sleep consistently. Chronic sleep deprivation can lead to depression, weight gain, premature aging by a major reduction in growth hormone which is released during sleep, increased inflammation, decreased immune function and many dysfunctions in the body. More importantly, if you do not get good quality sleep or enough sleep it can take years off your life. It is important as a goal to get a minimum of 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night. There is a study by the Journal of Occupational and Environmental Medicine that showed a 400% increase in cancer for those who sleep less than 6 hours a night.  Lack of sleep actually triples your chance of these conditions. It seems to be one of the first things people decide they can disregard in terms of health. People think if they work out and eat somewhat healthy that is the end all. Your sleep cycle is so important for your long-term health. Read more Why Getting Enough Sleep is Critical to Your Health ›

Ambiguous Grief: The 5th “Big D” Disappointment

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Ambiguous Grief Disappointment Sophia Caudle Bull City Psychotherapy

 

In my current exploratory research into ambiguous grief, it has become very clear, very quickly, that there is another type of grief that is just as important as the four previously identified types of ambiguous grief: Divorce, Disclosure, Diagnosis, and Death of a Relationship. This 5th ‘Big D’ is Disappointment.

Read more Ambiguous Grief: The 5th “Big D” Disappointment ›

Should I Take Psychiatric Medication?

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Should I take psychiatric medication?
If you have ever experienced symptoms of anxiety or depression, you may have considered taking a psychiatric medication. Perhaps, an antidepressant has been recommended. Maybe you are already seeing a therapist to help with these symptoms and the therapist has suggested you consider medication. But you don’t want to take medication. Or maybe you want to know more about them before you start a new prescription. Read more Should I Take Psychiatric Medication? ›

What is Ambiguous Grief?

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Ambiguous Grief

 

Have you ever lost someone that you loved very much…..and he/she is still alive? Has one of your loved ones ever completely changed their personality, and thus your relationship is not the same? Do you love someone who you cannot be with, because it will jeopardize your recovery? If you answered, ‘Yes’ to any of these questions, you have experienced ambiguous grief.  If you think you are either experiencing, or have experienced Ambiguous Grief, please complete this very brief survey and help us learn more about ambiguous grief, so we can all benefit from more knowledge on this new topic, and more people can be helped. Thank you!  

Read more What is Ambiguous Grief? ›

Depression, Anxiety and Insomnia Treatment: ALPHA-STIM AID

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Bull City Psychotherapy has a new and effective treatment to add to your personal toolbox for help with depression, anxiety, and insomnia. Alpha-Stim is a clinically proven medical device that relieves anxiety, insomnia, and depression by using electromedical technology. Alpha-Stim has a unique patented waveform that starts at the electron level to allow your body’s cells to return to their natural functioning states. Alpha-Stim provides long lasting cumulative relief without the risk of negative effects such as tolerance and/or reliance on medications.

The Alpha-Stim current is applied with easy to use clips that attach to the ear lobes for at least 20 minutes 2-3 times per week, or on an as needed basis. Alpha-Stim can help you feel a relaxed sense of well-being.

 

What to Expect From Your Alpha-Stim Treatments?

Anxiety reduction is usually experienced during a single treatment, and may last for hours or days after. Insomnia is often improved after the initial treatment as well, but may take up to

four weeks to see a significant change. Depression typically takes at least three weeks of daily treatment before you may notice a significant improvement.

 

Is Alpha-Stim Safe?

There are over 100 research studies proving the effectiveness and safety of Alpha-Stim. Go to www.alpha-stim.com to read more.

Dr. Sophia Caudle is a certified a certified Alpha-Stim clinician and distributor. Please contact her for more information.