Online Porn and Teenage Viewers

Posted on October 26, 2018 by Sophia Caudle

Eighty million a day. That’s how many visitors Pornhub.com draws. And that’s only one adult site—albeit the largest one. Any teenager with a laptop or smartphone can access a continual stream of adult material, and parental controls usually do not filter all the content. So, how is pornography affecting those who are growing up with it?

Let me say first that my perspective as a therapist is not to laud or condemn adult sexual activity that is consensual and legal, but to provide compassionate help for those who experience an addiction to it. People are not able to grow and change when they feel judged. As a therapist, I also seek to understand what effect porn has on the general population, particularly on children and teens who may be viewing it for the first time.

The number of young adults who come to our office seeking help for a pornography addiction is increasing. It’s difficult to determine the age at which young people are seeing it for the first time, but estimates range between 10 and 14 years old. Some children are exposed as early as 7—usually by accident or by a sibling. That first viewing is often a mixture of captivating, disturbing, and confusing to young children.

Over the years, mental health professionals have noted a “classic” correlation between sex addiction and childhood trauma; however, because of the widespread availability of pornography, a “contemporary” form of addiction to porn has appeared which does not include sexual acting out (Riemersma, J. Sytsma, M. 2013. A New Generation of Sexual Addiction. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 20:306-322).

The porn addict may intend to spend only about 15 minutes looking at porn, but then 2 or 3 hours later, he or she is still transfixed by it. School performance can suffer, as well as relationships, social groups, and other nurturing activities. Watching porn may become a closely guarded secret—out of shame for the types of porn being viewed, out of embarrassment for the frequency of viewing, because of religious injunctions, or any number of other reasons. Over time, porn viewing can become a shameful secret, and the problem with shameful secrets is that they tend to drive us into disconnection—away from healthy, supportive relationships. Many addicts live a life of compartmentalization—a respected image on the outside and a shameful secret on the inside.

For teenagers, but also for some adults, there can be confusion over what “real” sex is like. The women in the videos seem to enjoy or even prefer being slammed against the wall; the men in the videos are well-endowed and seem to be able to perform with total endurance for hours. The young porn viewer may wonder, is this what women want? Is this what is expected of me in bed? Real-life sex can have its own excitement and beauty, but it’s important to realize that, at times, it can be awkward and emotionally complex. The nurturing, caring side of real-life relationships can be discounted or misunderstood because of the virtual world of porn.

Most pornography addicts come to a place where they realize they can no longer afford to be continuously swept up in another cycle of binging on porn. I provide non-shaming, compassionate help to those whose activities have become out of their control. I do not guilt clients into changing their behavior, but I help them use their own desire for change to move forward to the life they want. I also assist them in seeing their own strengths in the recovery process. It’s important to provide practical resources, not just theories. The client is in control of the speed at which we move through therapy, and if something isn’t working, I’m happy to try a different method.

As you, the client, get more stable in sobriety, we start to peel back the layers of the onion so that you can understand why you have been addicted to pornography or sex. Your life will start to change; you will feel differently about your relationships, your work, and yourself. Your path to healing starts with a phone call or an email. Contact me today to set up your free 20-minute phone consultation. Help is just around the corner; you don’t have to do this alone.

If you would like to schedule an appointment with Tim, please call him at 919-533-7907. Or you can e-mail him at tim@bullcitypsychotherapy.com

Ambiguous Grief: The 5th “Big D” Disappointment

Posted on August 13, 2018 by Sophia Caudle

Ambiguous Grief Disappointment Sophia Caudle Bull City Psychotherapy

In my current exploratory research into ambiguous grief, it has become very clear, very quickly, that there is another type of grief that is just as important as the four previously identified types of ambiguous grief: Divorce, Disclosure, Diagnosis, and Death of a Relationship. This 5th ‘Big D’ is Disappointment.

Why Now Is the Time To Face Your Porn Addiction

Posted on July 23, 2018 by Sophia Caudle

Remember when Harry Potter gazes into the Mirror of Erised? His own parents gaze back at him adoringly–the same parents who gave their lives to protect him from the evil Voldemort. But Dumbledore warns Harry that some people have been so captivated by the mirror that they literally cannot walk away. The mirror is terribly alluring because it reflects the viewer’s deepest desire. Erised, by the way, is ‘desire’ spelled backward.

In a similar way, addicts can be lost in the gaze of the unreality of porn–by unresolved issues that are a reflection of their deepest desire. As Dr. Patrick Carnes writes, “Gazing at the fantasy is like pouring water into a bottomless glass. It never fills. In this way our addiction is an ally to the self, protecting some truth we wish not to face” (Carnes, Facing the Shadow). Our core issues can be related to childhood trauma, guilt over something we have done or failed to do, or a tendency to compartmentalize our feelings with unreality, to name a few. Read more Why Now Is the Time To Face Your Porn Addiction ›

Ambiguous Grief and the ‘4 Big D’s’

Posted on July 10, 2018 by Sophia Caudle

marriage counseling durham nc ambiguous grief

Ambiguous Grief is the grief experienced from the loss of a loved one, who is still alive, accompanied by a change or death of the relationship. © (Caudle & Sarazin, 2018).

When we lose a loved one, and they are still alive, it can obviously be very painful. When our loved one is still living and we are not with them, sometimes we have difficulties accepting the current situation.

There are many reasons why we might lose someone we love, even if they are still living. The feeling after the loss is ambiguous grief. Ambiguous grief differs from typical grief, because our loved one has not died, but rather he/she is now absent from our life in the way we had grown accustomed to. Read more Ambiguous Grief and the ‘4 Big D’s’ ›

Should I Take Psychiatric Medication?

Posted on June 26, 2018 by Sophia Caudle

Should I take psychiatric medication?
If you have ever experienced symptoms of anxiety or depression, you may have considered taking a psychiatric medication. Perhaps, an antidepressant has been recommended. Maybe you are already seeing a therapist to help with these symptoms and the therapist has suggested you consider medication. But you don’t want to take medication. Or maybe you want to know more about them before you start a new prescription. Read more Should I Take Psychiatric Medication? ›

What is Ambiguous Grief?

Posted on May 2, 2018 by Sophia Caudle

Ambiguous Grief

Have you ever lost someone that you loved very much…..and he/she is still alive? Has one of your loved ones ever completely changed their personality, and thus your relationship is not the same? Do you love someone who you cannot be with, because it will jeopardize your recovery? If you answered, ‘Yes’ to any of these questions, you have experienced ambiguous grief. If you think you are either experiencing, or have experienced Ambiguous Grief, please complete this very brief survey and help us learn more about ambiguous grief, so we can all benefit from more knowledge on this new topic, and more people can be helped. Thank you!

Betrayal Trauma

Posted on April 10, 2018 by Sophia Caudle

Betrayal trauma occurs when we are wounded by someone we have come to trust. When we put faith into another person to be there for us, especially to love us, our hearts and our minds come to recognize them as safe. They can be trusted with our feelings. When that trust is broken the pain can be devastating, and even traumatic. Read more Betrayal Trauma ›

When Is Couples Work Most Helpful in the Recovery Process?

Posted on January 22, 2018 by Sophia Caudle

Oftentimes, when I am contacted for couples counseling with a couple who has sex or love addiction issues, and we have the couple’s first session, it usually becomes very clear, very quickly, that couples counseling is not going to be very effective early on in treatment. Some of the ways that we can determine this is if the couple is stuck in their relationship’s toxic cycle, or if one of the couple ship is not able to maintain sobriety.

Adolescent Sexuality: How does it work these days, and when should we reach out to a therapist?

Posted on December 13, 2017 by Sophia Caudle

adolescent sexuality bull city psychotherapy

Our sexual opinions and behaviors can change significantly based upon our age, experiences, and values. We have the honor of working with a wide variety of clients and their sexual experiences are as different as any other parts of their story. We know it to be true that our experiences with sexuality in adolescence have an impact in how we experience sexuality as an adult. But, the details can change from person to person.

My husband’s a sex addict. Do I need to worry about our children?

Posted on November 20, 2017 by Sophia Caudle

partners perspective sex addiction bull city psychotherapy

My husband is a sex addict. Do I need to worry if he might sexually abuse our children?

As a CSAT, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, working primarily with Partners, in the early stages of their recovery, I regularly get asked by my Partner clients if the children are in danger from their father who is a sex addict. This question is asked from a place of recent trauma, intense fear, and complete mistrust of the husband/addict, who is also the person who the Partner loves/loved and trusted very deeply. Likely, before finding out about sexual infidelities and addiction invading the relationship, the thought of her husband abusing children was never a concern. In my experience, this is a fair question in a therapeutic setting, so the client can learn more about what sex addiction is, and in turn, what is sex-offending behavior. So, it is very important to know that only approximately 10% of sex addicts are also sex offenders.

Author: Sophia Caudle