Grief

The Power of Choosing Aloneness

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As it turns out, one of the main feelings we typically try very hard not to feel, is one of our best and most effective pathways to true emotional freedom and wellbeing.

I am speaking about Loneliness or Chosen Aloneness.

When we step into loneliness or aloneness, we change the course of how this feeling affects us. If we accept loneliness and feel it fully, then eventually, we won’t feel the need to try and resist it. We try to resist feeling lonely, because it is such a difficult feeling to feel for most of us, until we let go and invite ourself into the feeling. There are many unhelpful ways we resist feeling lonely; addiction, disassociation, codependency, numbing out, technology, over or under eating, are just some ways we resist feeling loneliness.

When we allow ourselves to feel lonely, then follow it up with meditation, other grounding behaviors, or healthy connection with others, the feeling of loneliness loses its power over us, and we can allow it to be felt as it needs to organically. We are, in essence, building a tolerance for a normal feeling that we can learn to let come and go as it needs to, and rather than expending our energy to not feel a feeling, we can accept it, feel it, and use our energy to participate in healthy connection with ourselves and others.

Loneliness is a part of the feeling state of Grief, and as such, should be honored and felt, as much deep personal growth occurs in the deep Grief.

©Copyright Sophia Dorton Caudle, PhD, All Rights Reserved

The Power of Original Grief

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original grief

Original grief that is not processed can be a powerful force that keeps us locked in negative thinking patterns. Conversely, the awareness of our original grief can be the key that unlocks the path to move through our grief, so we can live unburdened by the pain of the past and in the fullness of the present moment.

First, it would be helpful to share a common definition of original grief.

Original grief is our deepest feeling of intense sadness due to the most significant loss we experienced, usually in childhood. ©

Original grief presents differently for everyone, but there are a few commonalities to look for when trying to identify your original grief. First, look to your childhood and make a list of the pain and/or rejection you can recall. For instance, trauma, abuse, abandonment, fear, the witnessing of others in the aforementioned situations, not feeling loved, safe, or important, and growing up with other circumstances of dysfunction such as addiction or mental illness, can all create a very deep sense of original grief. Those are examples of the more overt types of the origins of grief. However, original grief can also be born in seemingly functional families, where emotions may not have been fully expressed or modeled, relationships may have been surface oriented and lacked authenticity, or physical affection was not common in the family. All of these examples of childhood experiences can create a sense of original grief. Obvious trauma and abuse, quiet neglect and emotional inhibition can all result in a child growing up to feel, ‘I am not OK as I am’ or ‘It’s my fault’, which can be how original grief ‘sounds’ in our minds.

When we feel original grief as children, it usually creates very negative self talk that can lead to various unhealthy thought patterns.. This self talk can be very quiet and become internalized, especially if it starts when we are young. If we have negative habitual thought patterns , it is easy to see how we will likely make negative choices and also likely feel negative feelings, such as anger, sadness, loneliness, shame, etc. As we get older, if our original grief has not been identified and processed, there are some common ways we can respond, some examples are anxiety, depression, addiction, codependency, or repeating what we were taught.

The significance of original grief can remain unnoticed for many years. This is called grief denial. Plenty of adults can recall their original grief and believe that just because they are still alive and moving forward, they ‘beat’ their childhood experience, and ‘it’s not going to hold me back’. Sometimes adults even become the opposite of their family of origin as a way to prove to themselves that ‘I am ok’.  Also, sometimes adults remain in denial by telling themselves, ‘things were not so bad’, or ‘They did the best they could’.  However it sounds, grief denial can keep us stuck, never truly healing, or feeling worthy.

Conversely, when we become consciously aware of our original grief, we can then do the hard work of digging deep and truly understanding how our experience affected us, then feel and heal the old wounds that hold us captive in the ways we responded. This deep work is not about blaming our parents or caregivers, nor is it about making excuses for our choices, rather this deep work is all about healing and moving forward in a authentic and fully conscious manner. Original grief is a layer under trauma. After trauma is reprocessed, original grief is still there to feel, process, and move through. If original grief remains unprocessed, it can reactivate trauma, so this is an important step in the healing process. For example, the little child who was abused must receive effective trauma treatment at some point. Then, when there are no more symptoms of trauma, the specific original grief can be identified, felt, processed, and moved through. In this instance, the original grief of trauma might be the loss of a safe childhood. This knowledge of a safe and innocent childhood being stolen away can be utilized as a powerful tool in the overall healing process. The processing of original grief can be the work that frees us from habitual negative self talk and repeating unhealthy behaviors.

To find out more about Original Grief© contact Dr. Sophia Caudle at Sophia@bullcitypsychotherapy.com.

Grief – a process to be shared

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Quick hits:

  • There’s no exact “right” way to grieve.
  • Give yourself a chance to recognize what you need.
  • Talk to someone about it!  
  • Grief is a human experience and you are never alone.

Like so many processes of the mind grief is filled with nuance.  

There’s no right way or timeline to grieve.  Some folks feel their grief has been processed in a matter of days.  For others it can take years. There are those who may take years before they can really begin to grieve.  All of these timelines are legitimate, valid, and understandable.

This spectrum of experience with grief can make it a challenging topic to study and discuss.  I won’t purport to have it all figured out. In my experience there are very few reliable do’s and don’ts that work for most people.  For every practice I’ve seen help someone, I could think of someone who found the opposite to be helpful.

That said, here are some guidelines that I have seen do the most good for the most folks.  Whether it’s you, or someone you love, understanding these three ideas may help with the grieving process. 

1.Give yourself the space and grace to do what you need.
Grief is personal.  Listen to what your body, mind, heart, and gut are telling you. Maybe you need a day off.  Maybe you need to stay busy. Of course there could be negative consequences for over-indulging in any one behavior – like isolating too much or staying too busy for too long so as to suppress and neglect your process.  But I have observed that tapping in to this self-awareness can be very good for us and helpful in your process. Be intentional about checking in with yourself. Spend some time reflecting on what you need in order to honor your grief and your process.  Listen to yourself. Grief is personal.

2. Try not to judge yourself.
You’ve been through something that warrants grief.  This process will be challenging enough. Try not to judge yourself for not grieving right.  Feeling things like, “should I be feeling more than this?” or “why am I taking this so hard?” can be counterproductive.  If you do find yourself doing this, try to give yourself some grace and space to relax and acknowledge the feelings as part of your process.  

Dr. Brené Brown tackles this idea of judgment as it relates to grief in her book Rising Strong.  She uses some relatable examples to help us understand that our capacity for compassion, for ourselves and others, is not finite and does not take away from our other abilities.  

Brene Brown, Rising Strong p. 8-9

Comparative suffering is a function of fear and scarcity.  Fear and scarcity immediately trigger comparison. My husband died and that grief is worse than your grief over an empty nest.  I’m not allowed to feel disappointed about being passed over for a promotion when my friend just found out that his wife has cancer.  You’re feeling shame for forgetting your son’s school play? Please – that is a first world problem. There are people dying of starvation every minute.  

The opposite of scarcity is not abundance; the opposite of scarcity is simply enough.  Empathy is not a pizza with eight slices. When you practice empathy and compassion with someone, there is not less of these qualities to go around.  There’s more.

Love is the last thing we need to ration in this world.  

The refugee in Syria doesn’t benefit more if you conserve your kindness only for her and withhold it from your neighbor who is struggling through a divorce.  Yes, perspective is critical. But I’m a firm believer that complaining is okay as long as we piss and moan with a little perspective. Hurt is hurt, and every time we honor our own struggle and the struggles of others by responding with empathy and compassion, the healing that results affects all of us.”

3.Talk to someone!
Yes – reflective time alone with your thoughts or with your higher power can be helpful.  However, prolonged isolation is almost always unhealthy. Grief is part of the human experience.  It is meant to be shared. Your pain may be unique, but you are not alone. Others have walked a similar path, and others are willing to walk with you.  Find people in your life to lean on, and if they’re not available, then reach out to a counselor. They will provide a safe place to be your partner through this difficult time.   You don’t need fixed. You’re not broken. What we need when we’re grieving is for someone to sit in the pain with us until it lessens a little bit. Your pain is real, and healing through it is a process.  Progress happens when you share it.

Lastly, as complex as it is, we do have a substantial amount of research and resources available related to grief.  For a nice summary of the stages of grief and loss, as popularly defined by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, as well as resources related to grief, here is a helpful site:

http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

All the best to you as you make your progress,

Matt

To schedule an appointment with Matt, please call the office at (919) 382-0288 or Matt’s direct line is (919) 794-5490, or email at matt@bullcitypsychotherapy.com.

Ambiguous Grief and the New Year: How Can We Feel Optimistic About Starting a New Year When We Feel Ambiguous Grief?

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ambiguous grief winter Bull City Psychotherapy Sophia Caudle

For many, the holidays and the start of a new year can be a joyous time. For others, the start of a new year can be a reminder of what we have lost or what we have never had.

For those of us who feel ambiguous grief during the holidays, here are some tips you can incorporate into your day that will truly transform how to perceive your life. For starters, it is so important that we first identify and even write down our blessings or parts of our life that we feel much gratitude for. I like identifying at least three things I feel grateful for as I am settling in to practice mindfulness meditation. I do this in a very self aware and intentional manner, with full attention and imagery in my mind for what or who I am grateful for. Other people like to keep a daily gratitude journal. This is also extremely helpful. The process of writing down what we are grateful for really solidifies the authenticity of feeling grateful for something specific. And others like to fill a jar or box with gratitudes and periodically read them for an emotional boost and reality check when we are feeling down.

I also think it is critical that we allow time and space to actually feel the feelings of ambiguous grief that we may not want to feel. If we have lost someone who is still living, or we are mourning something we never had, such as a loving relationship with a parent, then we need to honor our feelings and allow them to be felt, rather than pushing them away or numbing out with addictions or other distracting behaviors.

For me, I use certain time during my mindfulness practice to be devoted to feeling ALL of the feelings I need to feel, especially the ones that I don’t want to feel. When I do this, my feelings of ambiguous grief do not torment me as much in my daily life at work or with family. I give myself the gift of feeling my true feelings without judgment. There are many other ways you might find work for you to feel your true feelings; possibly with a trusted friend, or a counselor, journal writing, etc.; these are all great, just find what works best for you.

In the end, just because a new year is starting does not mean our feelings of ambiguous grief are simply going to disappear. Grief is a feeling that needs to be honored, processed, and felt. There is no time frame for grief. Grief can also turn into complicated grief or depression, so if you are stuck, then please seek professional help. If you are, however, honoring your true feelings and working through the ambiguous grief, then you are not stuck, you are successfully feeling the hard work of processing grief.

Ambiguous grief may come and go, especially if the person your mourn is still alive, and you see him or her. Anytime we experience loss or negative feelings, our underlying feelings of ambiguous grief can be triggered, and if this happens it is perfectly normal. When you notice you are triggered, practice the tools that work for you, such as creating a gratitude list or calling a trusted friend to share.

Dr. Sophia Caudle relationship therapist

If you are experiencing ambiguous grief and you would like to schedule an individual intensive with Dr. Caudle, please email her at Sophia@bullcitypsychotherapy.com.

Ambiguous grief intensives focus on identifying, processing, and moving through grief with experiential work and research based therapies.

How Can We Feel Thankful if We Are Experiencing Ambiguous Grief?

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Thanksgiving Ambiguous Grief Disappointment Sophia Caudle Bull City Psychotherapy

 

 

Thanksgiving is a holiday where we are reminded to count our blessings and be thankful. However, for many of us it is a reminder of who we have lost and what we do not have. If we have lost a loved one who is still living, and we feel grief or sadness still, then we are possibly experiencing ambiguous grief. Ambiguous Grief is the feeling experienced when we lose a loved one who is still alive. This can be due to divorce, diagnosis, disclosure of traumatic information, or change of a relationship.

How can we feel thankful if someone we love is no longer in our lives, but still living, and we miss them terribly? How can we feel thankful if our loved one has a mind altering diagnosis, such as Dimentia or Alzheimer’s, and they are not the same person we used to love? How can we feel thankful if we recently discovered that our life partner has spent most of the retirement savings, in an investment that he/she never discussed with us? These are just a few examples of how ambiguous grief can present in our lives. And expanding upon the original definition, ambiguous grief also applies to the awareness of what we never had, yet we knew we needed, such as loving, healthy, or safe childhood.

Yes, it is very painful to experience loss, regardless of the cause. However, after a loved one passes, we do not hope they will return, because rationally we know that they will not, and with ambiguous grief, during the holidays especially, we might still hope that our living loved one might return to our former relationship.

How can we move through ambiguous grief and still feel thankful during this holiday season? First, it is so very critical to be mindful and stay in the present moment; meaning make efforts to keep your focus on this day, rather than the days of the past. This takes practice, but if you practice Mindfulness Meditation, your mind can learn the practice of staying in the present rather than looking backwards, or being preoccupied with preparing for the future. Staying in the present moment can help us appreciate what we DO have. Notice the small things that the present moment can offer you, such as, food to eat. How does each morsel and bite taste in your mouth? Next, notice and appreciate the people you are sharing your time with, whether they are family, friends, strangers, or a ‘chosen family’. Notice them for who they ARE. Appreciate them for their uniqueness, and most importantly, appreciate them for sharing their time with YOU. Try to appreciate your loved ones as they are, and try not to make assumptions about who you think they are based on your ambiguous grief. Finally, be thankful for YOURSELF. You are the most important person in your own life, and as such, you can be thankful for simply, being.  Try writing a gratitude list for what you notice and appreciate in your present moment awareness.

However, keeping your mind in the present also means acknowledging any ambiguous grief that you may be feeling, and allowing the feeling to be felt. This is so important, because ambiguous grief needs to be felt in order for us to move through it. Notice I said ambiguous grief needs to be felt, not obsessed about. There is a difference between feeling and thinking. A feeling is something that we can feel inside our bodies. If we start engaging the brain and think about what we are feeling, then that feeling can turn into anxiety, and then our thinking evolves into obsessing and ruminating. When this happens we are not staying in the present moment. It is important to find a safe way to feel your ambiguous grief. You can plan this in many ways, such as with a friend, with a sponsor, with a counselor, in a support group, or by writing in a journal, during meditation, or by creating a personal ritual that represents you moving through your ambiguous grief.

So, yes we can feel thankful even if we are feeling ambiguous grief. In short, we can do this by focusing on the present moment and noticing the small gifts we have, even while acknowledging the grief we may still feel.

Thanksgiving Ambiguous Grief Disappointment Sophia Caudle Bull City Psychotherapy

Why Getting Enough Sleep is Critical to Your Health

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Sleep deprivation - BullCityPsychotherapy - SophiaCaudle Kim Shackleford - healthy sleep

 

The result of not sleeping is much more serious than you think.  Yes, you can wake up overtired, moody, mentally foggy, having poor energy levels without the alertness to handle tasks as you should. There are alarming things that happen when you do not sleep consistently. Chronic sleep deprivation can lead to depression, weight gain, premature aging by a major reduction in growth hormone which is released during sleep, increased inflammation, decreased immune function and many dysfunctions in the body. More importantly, if you do not get good quality sleep or enough sleep it can take years off your life. It is important as a goal to get a minimum of 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night. There is a study by the Journal of Occupational and Environmental Medicine that showed a 400% increase in cancer for those who sleep less than 6 hours a night.  Lack of sleep actually triples your chance of these conditions. It seems to be one of the first things people decide they can disregard in terms of health. People think if they work out and eat somewhat healthy that is the end all. Your sleep cycle is so important for your long-term health. Read more Why Getting Enough Sleep is Critical to Your Health ›

Ambiguous Grief: The 5th “Big D” Disappointment

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Ambiguous Grief Disappointment Sophia Caudle Bull City Psychotherapy

 

In my current exploratory research into ambiguous grief, it has become very clear, very quickly, that there is another type of grief that is just as important as the four previously identified types of ambiguous grief: Divorce, Disclosure, Diagnosis, and Death of a Relationship. This 5th ‘Big D’ is Disappointment.

Read more Ambiguous Grief: The 5th “Big D” Disappointment ›

Ambiguous Grief and the ‘4 Big D’s’

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marriage counseling durham nc ambiguous grief

Ambiguous Grief is the grief experienced from the loss of a loved one, who is still alive, accompanied by a change or death of the relationship. © (Caudle & Sarazin, 2018).

When we lose a loved one, and they are still alive, it can obviously be very painful.  When our loved one is still living and we are not with them, sometimes we have difficulties accepting the current situation.

There are many reasons why we might lose someone we love, even if they are still living. The feeling after the loss is ambiguous grief. Ambiguous grief differs from typical grief, because our loved one has not died, but rather he/she is now absent from our life in the way we had grown accustomed to. Read more Ambiguous Grief and the ‘4 Big D’s’ ›

What is Ambiguous Grief?

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Ambiguous Grief

 

Have you ever lost someone that you loved very much…..and he/she is still alive? Has one of your loved ones ever completely changed their personality, and thus your relationship is not the same? Do you love someone who you cannot be with, because it will jeopardize your recovery? If you answered, ‘Yes’ to any of these questions, you have experienced ambiguous grief.  If you think you are either experiencing, or have experienced Ambiguous Grief, please complete this very brief survey and help us learn more about ambiguous grief, so we can all benefit from more knowledge on this new topic, and more people can be helped. Thank you!  

Read more What is Ambiguous Grief? ›