Daring Greatly

Posted on April 26, 2019 by Sophia Caudle

The book “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead” is based on Dr. Brene Brown’s research. Unfortunately for us, that research lead her to understand the importance of shame – and now we have to talk about it.

Ugh! That sounds awful, right? Shame is terrible, and uncomfortable and deserves to sit right where most of us put it – in the dark, neglected, ignored-as-much-as-possible places in our head and hearts.

Dr. Brown, or Brené (as most of us super-fans call her), writes the following: “I start every talk, article, and chapter on shame with the Same 1-2-3s, or the first three things that you need to know about shame, so you’ll keep listening:

1.) We all have it. Shame is universal and one of the most primitive human emotions that we experience. The only people who don’t experience shame lack the capacity for empathy and human connection. Here’s your choice: Fess up to experiencing shame or admit that you’re a sociopath. Quick note: This is the only time that shame seems like a good option.

2.) We’re all afraid to talk about shame.

3.) The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives.”

I want to focus on that third part, “The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives.” Sit with that for a minute. Take a few breaths while your brain holds that idea. Think about how much power and control shame has over your life.

It is critically important to your health and growth to build your ability to acknowledge your shame. Shame doesn’t just exist when we don’t talk about it – it grows. It thrives in the dark. It loves when you ignore it and act out of the fear and insecurity that shame generates.

The good news is, according to Brene’s research, and my own lived experience, shame has an antidote. Shame shrivels and dies when we face it, name it, shine a light on it, and share it with people who are safe for us. Shame can’t survive in the light. And when it dies, we feel better, our behaviors change for the good, and our relationships deepen.

Shining a light on shame requires vulnerability. I strongly recommend you read or listen to the book “Daring Greatly” to learn techniques for practicing vulnerability and facing your shame. You can do this! We can do this!

The journey of facing our shame is scary for all of us. But we don’t have to do it alone. And the healing that comes as a result of daring greatly, is too good to miss. Go get yours!

Recovery…Like a Bull

Posted on April 3, 2019 by Sophia Caudle

bull city psychotherapy sophia caudle

In recovery, especially the early stages of recovery, we have to work very, very hard. We can not let up at all, and it reminds me of the strength and persistence a bull has when he is trying to kick a bull rider off his back….the bull is working overtime to remove the weight that is making him feel unhappy, agitated, unsettled, and even angry. I’m wondering if that sounds like anyone who has worked in early recovery from an addiction or from recovering from a relationship. Yes, early recovery can feel very unpleasant at times, and it takes some time before we genuinely feel the authentic benefit of our hard work. However, the good news is that the harder we work at the beginning, the stronger the recovery foundation we have, and our recovery begins to build on itself and become this wondrous feeling of new-true self. Remembering the bull analogy, if we are strong, persistent, even bull-headed, about our recovery, and make it our number one priority, especially in early recovery, the long term benefits are great, and our relationships become better and healthier. So, if you are in recovery from anything….addiction, relationships, ambiguous grief, try making yourself and your Self Care Plan a priority, and do Recovery, Like a Bull.

Grit

Posted on March 29, 2019 by Sophia Caudle

grit bull city psychotherapy matt kreiner

What is the one thing you want for your kids? The single most important thing you want to instill in them? The collective answers may vary some, but most parents would agree that, more than anything, we want to raise people that have the ability to be happy and healthy. We want them to be able to create the lives they desire, to bounce back from adversity – we want them to have grit. And let’s be honest – we want to be gritty too.

The term “grit” has been around a long time, but recently it has been defined in such a way as to be academically measured and researched. Dr. Angela Duckworth has pioneered this work via her research in the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania. She defines grit as “the passion and perseverance for long-term goals.” She has studied grit in the context of West Point Cadets, world-class musicians and athletes, and K-12 students of all backgrounds. While the field is evolving, the work thus far is important and academically sound. It’s very cool stuff. You can learn more here: https://ppc.sas.upenn.edu/people/angela-duckworth

For the sake of this post, I want to focus on how we grow grit. Dr. Duckworth posits that, “If we want our children to have a shot at a productive and satisfying life, we adults should make it our concern to provide them with the two things all children deserve: challenges to exceed what they were able to do yesterday and the support that makes that growth possible.”

It boils down to challenges and support. We need to experience age-appropriate challenges. And we need to feel the feeling of gradually and regularly overcoming those challenges. We need to know what it feels like to practice something that is hard, and then feel it become a little easier the next day. We need to develop a growth mindset – where failure is a cue to try a different way, rather than a cue to get frustrated and give up. We cultivate these good habits in an environment where we are supported to try things, fail, and try again.

As an individual, be someone who seeks these experiences. Try, fail, smile, and try again. As a parent, partner, or friend, be someone who cultivates these experiences for others. Provide your children with age-appropriate challenges. Help them know what focused practice feels like. Help them learn that failure is a cue to try again. Challenge is healthy when we are supported to grow through it. These skills we learn in childhood serve us well our entire lives.

I strongly encourage you to read the book itself, because there are so many important considerations about these principles and how they apply to our lives. You can learn more here: http://angeladuckworth.com/

ACTIONABLE NEXT STEPS:

Think of a challenge that is age-appropriate for your kiddo (or yourself) like practicing piano, soccer, spelling, yoga, Spanish, etc.

Work with them to commit to practicing that challenge for an appropriate amount of time. (Here are examples to start with. Tweak as you see fit.)

Ages 5-8 = 10mins/day; 3 days/week for 2 months
Ages 8-10 = 30mins/day; 3 days/week for 6 months
Ages 10-14 = 1hr/day; 3 days/week for 9 months
Ages 15-18 = 1hr/day; 3 days/week for a year or more

When it gets hard, provide the support they need to stick with it.

When they feel a difficult task getting easier, celebrate that progress!

When they’ve mastered the task or goal, pick another one and do it again.

Go forth! Try! Fail! Try again! Practice! Support your people through adversity! Be gritty and get grittier!

grit bull city psychotherapy matt kreiner

Grief – a process to be shared

Posted on March 11, 2019 by Sophia Caudle

Quick hits:

There’s no exact “right” way to grieve.
Give yourself a chance to recognize what you need.
Talk to someone about it!
Grief is a human experience and you are never alone.

Like so many processes of the mind grief is filled with nuance.

There’s no right way or timeline to grieve. Some folks feel their grief has been processed in a matter of days. For others it can take years. There are those who may take years before they can really begin to grieve. All of these timelines are legitimate, valid, and understandable.

This spectrum of experience with grief can make it a challenging topic to study and discuss. I won’t purport to have it all figured out. In my experience there are very few reliable do’s and don’ts that work for most people. For every practice I’ve seen help someone, I could think of someone who found the opposite to be helpful.

That said, here are some guidelines that I have seen do the most good for the most folks. Whether it’s you, or someone you love, understanding these three ideas may help with the grieving process.

1.Give yourself the space and grace to do what you need.
Grief is personal. Listen to what your body, mind, heart, and gut are telling you. Maybe you need a day off. Maybe you need to stay busy. Of course there could be negative consequences for over-indulging in any one behavior – like isolating too much or staying too busy for too long so as to suppress and neglect your process. But I have observed that tapping in to this self-awareness can be very good for us and helpful in your process. Be intentional about checking in with yourself. Spend some time reflecting on what you need in order to honor your grief and your process. Listen to yourself. Grief is personal.

2. Try not to judge yourself.
You’ve been through something that warrants grief. This process will be challenging enough. Try not to judge yourself for not grieving right. Feeling things like, “should I be feeling more than this?” or “why am I taking this so hard?” can be counterproductive. If you do find yourself doing this, try to give yourself some grace and space to relax and acknowledge the feelings as part of your process.

Dr. Brené Brown tackles this idea of judgment as it relates to grief in her book Rising Strong. She uses some relatable examples to help us understand that our capacity for compassion, for ourselves and others, is not finite and does not take away from our other abilities.

Brene Brown, Rising Strong p. 8-9

Comparative suffering is a function of fear and scarcity. Fear and scarcity immediately trigger comparison. My husband died and that grief is worse than your grief over an empty nest. I’m not allowed to feel disappointed about being passed over for a promotion when my friend just found out that his wife has cancer. You’re feeling shame for forgetting your son’s school play? Please – that is a first world problem. There are people dying of starvation every minute.

The opposite of scarcity is not abundance; the opposite of scarcity is simply enough. Empathy is not a pizza with eight slices. When you practice empathy and compassion with someone, there is not less of these qualities to go around. There’s more.

Love is the last thing we need to ration in this world.

The refugee in Syria doesn’t benefit more if you conserve your kindness only for her and withhold it from your neighbor who is struggling through a divorce. Yes, perspective is critical. But I’m a firm believer that complaining is okay as long as we piss and moan with a little perspective. Hurt is hurt, and every time we honor our own struggle and the struggles of others by responding with empathy and compassion, the healing that results affects all of us.”

3.Talk to someone!
Yes – reflective time alone with your thoughts or with your higher power can be helpful. However, prolonged isolation is almost always unhealthy. Grief is part of the human experience. It is meant to be shared. Your pain may be unique, but you are not alone. Others have walked a similar path, and others are willing to walk with you. Find people in your life to lean on, and if they’re not available, then reach out to a counselor. They will provide a safe place to be your partner through this difficult time. You don’t need fixed. You’re not broken. What we need when we’re grieving is for someone to sit in the pain with us until it lessens a little bit. Your pain is real, and healing through it is a process. Progress happens when you share it.

Lastly, as complex as it is, we do have a substantial amount of research and resources available related to grief. For a nice summary of the stages of grief and loss, as popularly defined by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, as well as resources related to grief, here is a helpful site:

http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

All the best to you as you make your progress,

Matt

To schedule an appointment with Matt, please call the office at (919) 382-0288 or Matt’s direct line is (919) 794-5490, or email at matt@bullcitypsychotherapy.com.

Triggers

Posted on February 27, 2019 by Sophia Caudle

Do you ever respond to something in a way that confuses people? For example, maybe you’re watching a movie and there is a scene where someone is trapped in a tight space and you need to close your eyes while the rest of the folks in the room can just keep watching. Or maybe you have a big reaction to clowns. Maybe even reading the last two sentences was enough to increase your heart rate. If so – you are not alone.

Lots of us have strong reactions to things that pose no immediate threat. Frequently we’ll refer to these things as our “triggers” because they can trigger such a quick and negative response. Small spaces and clowns are common ones, but there are many, many more.

Our brains are so complex that they can trap just about any memory in a way that we could find triggering. I’ll discuss maladaptive memory networks and trauma responses in a different post. But for now, I wanted to make you all aware of a resource that can help with your triggers that relate to movies and tv shows. The website “www.doesthedogdie.com” currently tracks 57 different triggers including but not limited to “is there self-harm?” “are there spiders?” “does someone die by suicide?” “is there hate speech?” and many more. They track the presence of these triggers in movies, tv shows, books, and video games. You can check the website prior to viewing something to see if your trigger will come up.

This is a great resource to help you avoid triggers and enjoy some leisure time activities. Also keep in mind that we have highly effective therapies that can help you conquer these triggers once and for all. At Bull City Psychotherapy and wellness, we have excellent clinicians trained in EMDR, CBT, acupuncture and more who can help you make your triggers a thing of the past. Reach out to us at 919-382-0288 or https://bullcitypsychotherapy.com/contact-us/ if you are ready to tackle your triggers today.

anxiety in children, bull city psychotherapy

Quick Hits:

Anxiety is our mind and body responding to perceived threat.
Think of anxiety in three levels: green, yellow, and red – we want to stay out of the red zone where rational responses do not live.
The main cause of anxiety is NOT YOU!
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is the gold standard of anxiety treatments and works for more than 80% of people.
It’s time to ask for help if relationships or productivity are being affected, or if someone is missing valuable life experiences as a result of their anxiety.
See below for an anxiety FAQ list.

Parts of this post are written to the parent of an anxious child, however the information is consistent for adults with anxiety as well.

Does any of this sound familiar? Sweaty palms, heart racing, flushed skin, tantrums, black and white thinking, decisions we regret – these and so many more are common symptoms of anxiety.

Before we tackle the problem of anxiety I think it is helpful to define it. While anxiety can take many different shapes, I like to think of it like this:

Anxiety is our response to perceived threat.

We all perceive threats differently. What is threatening, or anxiety provoking, to someone else may not even register on your anxiety meter. One child may be terrified when being dropped off at school while another one can’t wait to get there. Regardless of the details of the perceived threat, we can all relate to feeling anxious at one time or another. Anxiety is a universally human experience.

It is the way we think about these perceived threats that determines how we deal with our anxiety. It can be helpful to think of your anxiety level in 3 zones – green, yellow, and red.

Green zone – you’re feeling good. Even if you are aware of a perceived threat, you feel in control and ready to handle it in a healthy way.

Yellow zone – you’re ok, but worried. You are aware of a perceived threat, but not sure you can deal with what is coming. This is the time to fall back and rely on your anxiety management skills.

Red zone – you are not feeling good. Your anxiety level has reached a point where rational thinking and using skills is no longer an option. Black and white thinking has taken over. From here we need to find a way to safely ride out the storm until we’re back in the yellow zone and we can use our skills.

The bad news: Anxiety is a tricky opponent. It affects different people in different ways. We don’t know everything there is to know about it yet, but we do know certain things.

The good news: One of the most important things we know is that the main cause of anxiety is NOT YOU! Let me say this again – you are not the cause of your child’s (or your own) anxiety. It is not your fault.

We do know that certain factors make it more likely for a child to experience issues dealing with anxiety. There are some genetic indicators, and there are some environmental indicators that studies show may increase a person’s likelihood of experiencing issues, but there is no reliably predictable cause. So, if you have been beating yourself up, thinking you caused the issues you are dealing with, you can stop that right now.

More good news: we know how to fix it! We have developed and studied a technique that is effective for over 80% of people dealing with issues related to anxiety! It’s called cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Basically, CBT helps us take control of our thoughts and feelings before we act in ways we regret. The basic idea is that thoughts lead to emotions and emotions lead to actions. We can practice and develop skills that allow us to interrupt our natural thoughts and/or emotions so they don’t lead us to actions that we regret.

Here’s an example. A child who has never practiced CBT skills may be anxious about being dropped off at school. They may have thoughts about being left alone, getting hurt, their parents getting hurt and not coming back to get them, or any other perceived threat. These thoughts lead to negative emotions like fear. Their body starts to react by increasing the heart-rate and responding to the perceived threat. Black and white thinking takes over. They are in the red zone and rational thought cannot occur. The action they take is to scream, cry, throw a tantrum, and do whatever it takes to protect themselves from the threat – at this point it’s essentially a fight, flight, or freeze response.

The same child, after practicing and developing CBT skills, is able to recognize when they are in the yellow zone. They recognize this feeling as a trigger to fall back on and use their skills. Their skills help them think about what is most likely to happen and that they are actually very safe at school. They even enjoy the time with their friends and teachers when they’re not in the red zone. Using their skills, they get themselves back to the green zone and do not behave in a way that they regret.

This is a very simple way of looking at CBT, but the principles are sound. CBT is the gold standard in behavior modification and anxiety spectrum issues. Medications can help, but many folks can realize wonderful results without them if they take the time to develop and practice their skills. And the best part is, the skills stay with us for a lifetime.

CBT focuses on realistic thinking skills to improve thoughts, awareness and relaxation skills to improve our emotional responses, and controlled exposure to triggering events to improve behaviors.

When should I reach out for help?
A licensed clinician can help you cultivate CBT skills in a matter of weeks. It is a great idea to reach out for help if you or your child:

Have noticed a decrease in effectiveness, performance, or productivity at school or work as a result of anxiety
Have noticed that your relationships are being negatively impacted by the symptoms and behaviors of anxiety
Are missing out on meaningful life experiences as a result of anxiety.

There are more FAQs below, but I’d like to leave you with a quick summary.

It is very likely that you did not cause the anxiety that you or your child are experiencing. It is also very likely that you can “fix” it! You can learn and develop the skills to overcome the anxiety that is getting in the way of you living your fullest life. If you are frustrated with how things have been going, reach out to a licensed clinician and ask about a CBT plan. You can do this! I suspect you will find that the experience is less scary, less difficult, more effective and more common than you think. By practicing CBT skills, most children and adults alike come to know they are much braver and more capable than they think they are.

All the best to you as you make your progress,

Matt

Frequently Asked Questions about Anxiety:

How long does it take?
Of course the details vary, but most folks see progress in 4-6 weeks and consider their first round of work complete in 10-15 weeks. At that point, they are able to practice the skills they’ve learned in their day to day life. Some folks come back to their clinician for check-ups periodically or continue regular work when they uncover new behaviors they’d like to improve.

When is it fixed?
A person might consider the problem “fixed” when their symptoms decrease to a tolerable or non-existent level. However, the skills learned in CBT are meant to be used throughout our lives. If they are neglected and forgotten, the problems are likely to return.

What if my child is gifted?
There is some correlation between intellectual aptitude and anxiety issues. CBT is very effective with folks in these situations.

What if the child is resistant?
This is very common. Whether it’s the stigma associated with seeking help or the fact that talking about anxiety can increase a person’s anxiety – some folks are hesitant to working with a counselor. The truth is that no one can make progress without effort. So, they need to want to make improvements in order to do the necessary work to see results. However, there are techniques that help people stay in touch with their motivation and keep them coming back. Rewards and reinforcement can also be used at age-appropriate levels.

What about repetitive behaviors?
This is another sign that it is time to talk with a licensed clinician. Repetitive behaviors can be signs of other issues. They can also be improved by similar strategies – including building CBT skills and tapping into a person’s true motivation. The earlier one seeks treatment for these issues, the better.

What about siblings?
All of us are part of family systems to one degree or another. So none of our behaviors exist in isolation. Siblings can play a huge role in making symptoms better or worse. One of the many wonderful things about CBT skills is that they can benefit the entire family. If there is a dynamic with your child’s sibling(s) that is impacting their progress, you definitely want to bring that to the attention of your counselor.

How do I know what’s normal?
If you suspect that your child’s behavior may be outside of normal/typical range, you should seek the opinion of a licensed professional – this could be a counselor, pediatrician, or social worker. They will be able to help you decide what your next steps should be.

What do I do about test anxiety?
This is one of the most common triggers for anxiety in children. It also typically responds very well to treatment. Building CBT skills around reality checking, pre-test routines, and positive self-talk typically go a long way to relieving these symptoms.

Could it be manipulation instead of anxiety?
If, for example, throwing a tantrum gets the child what they want, then it is possible they have learned to manipulate their environment by using behaviors that are similar to those experiencing anxiety. It is important to be honest and consistent about the child’s behavior and your responses in order to know the truth about what is happening. A licensed clinician will be able to help you to know what to look for and what your next steps should be. Typically if the behavior becomes dangerous or is limiting their productivity or relationships, then it is more than manipulation. Either way, your clinician will be able to help you practice strategies for improvement.

To schedule an appointment with Matt, please call the office at (919) 382-0288 or Matt’s direct line is (919) 794-5490, or email at matt@bullcitypsychotherapy.com.

Daring Greatly

Recovery…Like a Bull

Grit

Grief – a process to be shared

Triggers

Love is….

Anxiety in Children

The First Question to Ask

Ambiguous Grief and the New Year: How Can We Feel Optimistic About Starting a New Year When We Feel Ambiguous Grief?

Child Pornography

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