Partners

After the Affair: To Stay or To Leave?

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Was Hillary Clinton wrong for staying with her husband, Bill, after yet another affair—this time with a White House intern? Personally, I don’t think it’s anybody’s business what she chose to do, but as a public figure, Ms. Clinton was the object of much gossip. In past generations, there was pressure to stay in the marriage and work it out, but as author Esther Perel notes, the “new shame” has become staying with your spouse when you have the option of leaving. Family and friends may shame you for hanging in there, but their assessment of the situation may not include all the variables. Your calculations may also include considerations of children, finances, cherished memories, fear, and hope.

My aim is not to convince you that you should stay or leave. You have to make the final determination. After all, you’re the one who has to live with the results of your decision. And it can be a complicated decision. If you’re like most spouses, you may have received a staggered disclosure. You didn’t receive the details of the sexual acting out in one tidy confession. You thought you knew everything and then found out there was more. And still more. Being hit by multiple disclosures can be traumatizing. You were left wondering, “Who is this person that I thought I knew? What unknowns will I find out next?”

I’m not saying it’s easy, but for those who choose to work through the issues, there is the possibility that the marriage can be not only saved, but taken to a better place never thought possible. The old marriage is gone, but there is hope for a renewed connection based on rebuilt trust and respect. It will take determination and work—both for the one who’s been acting out sexually and also for the partner. (And yes, it all seems so unfair. Why should the partner have to go to therapy and do all this work when it was the other person who brought this pain?) But as therapists, we help couples create a way forward that involves a commitment to complete honesty, accountability, and making amends to the injured partner. We create a welcoming space to help you find your way back to a great relationship. Let us help you build a strong bond again. You’ve got nothing to lose by calling us.

To schedule an appointment with Tim, email him at tim@bullcitypsychotherapy.com or call his direct line at (919) 533-7907. Or see his website at successinrecovery.com.

 

What is a Partner’s Expiration Date?

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What is a ‘Partner’s Expiration Date’? This is a great question that does not have one specific answer, because every partner is different in the time that their tolerance for their spouse/partner’s poor behavior runs out. 

In the field of addiction, whether it is alcoholism, drug addiction, sex/porn addiction, or any problematic behavior, we see partners of addicts move through the experience of living with addiction very differently. Some partners have a very brief expiration date, meaning they do not wait long before they give ultimatums for improved behavior and recovery, or else the relationship is over. The reasons for a short expiration date are varied and many; for example, it’s possible the partner has been through so much grief and trauma that he/she is exhausted and simply does not have more energy to spare towards the relationship. I have also seen that some partners are so affected when learning of a loved one’s addiction, especially sex addiction, that they know deep down they can never truly trust that person again in an intimate way, so they too end the relationship. Partners also reach their expiration dates quickly if their spouse does not choose recovery. Regardless of when or how a partner reaches their expiration date, they will feel the ambiguous grief over the end of their relationship, whether they wanted it to end or not.

However, other partner’s try their best to give it time, and their expiration date for whether or not to end the relationship is longer. Partners with longer expiration dates tend to enter into their own recovery and learn tools for living similar to their addicted partner, if he/she begins the work of Recovery. Recovery work for partners includes creating a recovery plan, learning about relationship health, such as codependency sobriety, possibly working a 12 step group such as ALANON, CODA, or ACA, therapy, support groups, etc. We see that when partners use their energy to focus on themselves instead of focusing on the addict or the addict’s acting out behaviors, their expiration date extend longer than partners who never choose to focus on themselves. 

However, there are times when partners’ expiration dates simply run out, regardless of the recovery work she/he has done. Sometimes recovery can provide meaning to a partner that it is best for the relationship to end, and this is OK too. Recovery is not necessarily a ‘relationship fixer.’  Recovery is what individuals do to heal from addiction and early life grief or trauma, and it can mean different things to different people. The beauty of recovery is that it is, in fact, healing. There is no guarantee where we end up, but if we keep working our own recovery, we definitely feel better and are healthier during our journey.

The 13 Secrets to an AMAZING sex life!  (No really, this list has research supporting it.)

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I know the title sounds like clickbait, but I couldn’t help myself.  I’m a sucker for good data, and on this – the sexiest of topics – we now have good data.

Chirsanna Northrup, Pepper Schwartz, and James Witte set out to learn about couples who had a great sex life, as well as couples who had a bad sex life.  They conducted an online study with 70,000 people in 24 countries.  They detail their findings in an amazing book titled The Normal Bar.  

Before I discuss their findings, I also want to touch on the work of Dr. John Gottman.  He is known as a research and thought leader in the space of learning what makes for great and long lasting relationships.  He’s conducted research with over 3,000 couples across 40 years (https://www.gottman.com/about/research/).

Dr. Gottman combined his data with the study from The Normal Bar and isolated 13 things all couples do who have a great sex life, and 6 things all couples do who have a bad sex life.  Without further adieu –  here’s what they found:

The 13 things that people with a great sex life do:

1. They say “I love you” every day and mean it.
2. They kiss one another passionately for no reason.
3. They give surprise romantic gifts.
4. They know what turns their partners on and off erotically. (pause and ask yourself – do you know the answers to these questions about your partner?  Do they know the answers about you?  Have you ever talked about this?)
5. They are physically affectionate, even in public.
6. They keep playing and having fun together.
7. They cuddle.
8. They make sex a priority, not the last item of a long to-do list.
9. They stay good friends.
10. They can talk comfortably about their sex life.  (Stop and ask yourself – can you do this?)
11. They have weekly dates.
12. They take romantic vacations.
13. They are mindful about turning toward each other in good times and bad.

The 6 things that people with a bad sex life do:

1. Spend very little time together during a typical week.
2. Become job-centered and/or child-centered.
3. Talk mostly about their huge to-do lists.
4. Seem to make everything else a priority other than their relationship.
5. Drift apart and lead parallel lives.
6. Are unintentional about turning toward one another to deal with life’s issues and their own feelings.

How did these lists make you feel?  How many of the things are you doing on both lists?
In my mind, many of these items fall under the heading of “simple but not easy”.  It’s simple to say, “we need to have weekly dates”.  It’s harder to find the time.  Look at your relationship.  Look at the relationships around you.  Having an amazing sex life, and a deep intimate connection over the long-term is certainly not easy.  

My other big take-away is that this list is really describing a relationship of connection.  Sure, a strong physical connection is important to make sex fun, but in order to keep it fun the connection must be deeper than that.  You must be able to talk to one another – even about difficult topics.  You need to make time for one another – even when life gets busy.  You need to do the things that nurture a good friendship – like being consistently respectful and thoughtful, and knowing when and how to apologize for wounding each other.  Authentic physical and emotional connection keeps your relationship, and your sex-life, healthy and indeed, great!  

If you notice you have some areas in your relationship that could use improvement, there is reason for hope.  We at Bull City Psychotherapy know how to help.  If you are not having a great sex life, if you are struggling to succeed in any or all of those 13 key items, give us a call.  We’ll be honored to help you improve this critical part of your most intimate relationship.  

To schedule an appointment with Matt, please call the office at (919) 382-0288 or Matt’s direct line is (919) 794-5490, or email at matt@bullcitypsychotherapy.com.

When Your Partner Won’t Go to Therapy

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What do you do when you’ve done all you can? Despite repeated promises to stop having affairs or talking in chat rooms or sexting with a coworker, your partner continues. There’s a pattern—what seems like an addiction. Your partner says, no, everything’s fine. Or that this is normal in a marriage, even though the two of you made a commitment to be exclusive. If your partner refuses to go to therapy, what do you? What’s the next step?

The next step is to begin with yourself. I know that statement may sound strange or blaming, but that’s not the intent. You can’t force your partner to change; you can only change yourself. And the best next step at this point is to stop pressuring your partner into therapy, and instead find your own therapist. You need someone with the right training who can help you think through the options—to help you understand boundaries and accountability and addiction. If you’re having trouble setting boundaries, the therapist can help you look at why it’s difficult for you. Boundaries can be complicated. Besides, you can really miss important opportunities if you don’t have the right person to assist you in thinking things through.

For example, suppose you give your partner an ultimatum that he must attend 12-step group meetings every day for a month. It sounds reasonable enough, but you may have just inadvertently shot yourself in the foot. What’s going to happen? Well, after a month of attending meetings, the partner may very well say, “Okay, I did what you asked me to do. Now I’m done. And I’m not going back.” Or what if the partner attends 20 meetings but not the 30 meetings that you asked for? Are you really prepared to leave the relationship because work or family obligations interfered?

You see my point? The next step is most likely to begin with yourself. “Get thee to a therapist!” And if the partner’s problem has anything to do with sex and porn addiction, you definitely need a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT). Other therapists may be great with other issues, but most are not trained in sex addiction. Having the right therapist will make all the difference. I promise you.

At Bull City Psychotherapy, we would be honored to work with you and help you on your journey. Take the first step. Begin with yourself. Do it now.

To schedule an appointment with Tim, please call his direct line at 919-533-7907. Or you can e-mail him at tim@bullcitypsychotherapy.com.

Love is….

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It’s Matt here – and this Valentine’s Day has got me thinking about love.
I recently heard the amazing actress Taraji P. Henson define love.  (Sidenote: It was in the context of her new movie “Best of Enemies” which is based on a true story of race and redemption here in Durham, NC in the late 60’s.  The movie comes out April 5th.)  She said, “love is the search for understanding”.  I heard that while driving alone in my car and out loud I said, “Wow!”.  It hit me hard, because it is the essence of what we talk about so much in our therapy rooms.
Love is searching to understand your person – not necessarily agreeing with them, or seeing things exactly the same way.  But to love them is to seek to understand them.  When we understand someone, we can accept them for who they truly are. Brene Brown says, “it’s hard to hate someone up close”.  I think this is a related idea.  When we feel understood, we feel loved.  It may sound simple, but it’s so so true.   And as I reflected, I realized this is true for all our relationships.
Think about it – with your partner, parent, child, friend, sibling, co-worker – would it feel like you were showing them love if you tried to sincerely understand them?  Would you feel loved if they sought to fully understand you?  So here’s an invitation:  in the course of your next conversation with someone you love, make an intentional effort to seek to understand them.  Not to fix them, or agree with them, or change them – just seek to understand them.  See if your bond deepens, and watch the love flow between you both.
Wishing you all a deeper sense of connection, understanding, and love on Valentines Day and beyond! – Matt

 

Matt Kreiner, MSW, LCSWA
Lead Associate & Clinical Manager

Ambiguous Grief: The 5th “Big D” Disappointment

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Ambiguous Grief Disappointment Sophia Caudle Bull City Psychotherapy

 

In my current exploratory research into ambiguous grief, it has become very clear, very quickly, that there is another type of grief that is just as important as the four previously identified types of ambiguous grief: Divorce, Disclosure, Diagnosis, and Death of a Relationship. This 5th ‘Big D’ is Disappointment.

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Betrayal Trauma

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Betrayal trauma occurs when we are wounded by someone we have come to trust.  When we put faith into another person to be there for us, especially to love us, our hearts and our minds come to recognize them as safe.  They can be trusted with our feelings. When that trust is broken the pain can be devastating, and even traumatic. Read more Betrayal Trauma ›

When Is Couples Work Most Helpful in the Recovery Process?

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Oftentimes, when I am contacted for couples counseling with a couple who has sex or love addiction issues, and we have the couple’s first session, it usually becomes very clear, very quickly, that couples counseling is not going to be very effective early on in treatment. Some of the ways that we can determine this is if the couple is stuck in their relationship’s toxic cycle, or if one of the couple ship is not able to maintain sobriety.

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My husband’s a sex addict. Do I need to worry about our children?

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My husband is a sex addict. Do I need to worry if he might sexually abuse our children?

 

As a CSAT, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist,  working primarily with Partners, in the early stages of their recovery, I regularly get asked by my Partner clients if the children are in danger from their father who is a sex addict. This question is asked from a place of recent trauma, intense fear, and complete mistrust of the husband/addict, who is also the person who the Partner loves/loved and trusted very deeply. Likely, before finding out about sexual infidelities and addiction invading the relationship, the thought of her husband abusing children was never a concern. In my experience, this is a fair question in a therapeutic setting, so the client can learn more about what sex addiction is, and in turn, what is sex-offending behavior. So, it is very important to know that only approximately 10% of sex addicts are also sex offenders.

Read more My husband’s a sex addict. Do I need to worry about our children? ›