Remember when Harry Potter gazes into the Mirror of Erised? His own parents gaze back at him adoringly–the same parents who gave their lives to protect him from the evil Voldemort. But Dumbledore warns Harry that some people have been so captivated by the mirror that they literally cannot walk away. The mirror is terribly alluring because it reflects the viewer’s deepest desire. Erised, by the way, is ‘desire’ spelled backward.
In a similar way, addicts can be lost in the gaze of the unreality of porn–by unresolved issues that are a reflection of their deepest desire. As Dr. Patrick Carnes writes, “Gazing at the fantasy is like pouring water into a bottomless glass. It never fills. In this way our addiction is an ally to the self, protecting some truth we wish not to face” (Carnes, Facing the Shadow). Our core issues can be related to childhood trauma, guilt over something we have done or failed to do, or a tendency to compartmentalize our feelings with unreality, to name a few.
So, going back to the title of this article, you ask, “Why is now the time to deal with my porn addiction?” Because left to itself, the addiction tends to escalate as a result of “tolerance.” In this context, tolerance means that the brain adapts to the extra surges of dopamine that come from viewing porn, and so, addicts must have more of the substance (porn) in order to get the same high. The resulting escalation causes porn addicts to spend endless hours searching for just the right images that will give them the previous thrill. Not only do they lose track of time to the neglect of their work or family responsibilities, more importantly, their search for the familiar high can lead them to view images that entice them and yet trouble them. The images often touch the unresolved—a Mirror of Erised from which the addict cannot turn away—and addicts may find themselves going against their own beliefs, morals, or even the law. Without the path to recovery, the cycle of tolerance and escalation is likely to continue.
What’s the good news for Harry Potter who stares into the Mirror? The good news is that, while nothing can take away Harry’s wounds, it is his wounds that ultimately become his source of strength and resolve and determination. The Harry Potters of the world can become the wounded healers (to use Henri Nouwen’s terminology) who have moved from resentment to gratitude, from isolation to companionship. This is also the path for the addict. As British journalist Johann Hari says, “The opposite of addiction is not sobriety; it is connection.”
Does recovery from your porn addiction seem an unreachable goal? It’s been said before that every accomplishment starts with the decision to try. Recovery comes from admitting that “we were powerless over addictive sexual behavior, that our lives had become unmanageable” (SAA Twelve Steps). Recovery is not a personal accomplishment, but rather leads to collaboration with others. But it certainly cannot happen without the courage and determination of taking the First Step. It’s an inward word of hope and resolve that says, “Now is the time to face my porn addiction.”
Take that first step forward. At Bull City Psychotherapy, we have therapists ready to help you. Please call 919-382-0288, and we’ll be happy to walk with you.
Tim is passionate about helping clients uncover their true potential and to move beyond the barriers that are holding them back from a life they can celebrate. One of the greatest regrets that many people have is that they never became the person they wanted to become. Tim works to co-create a new future with clients by regarding them as experts of their own lives. In his work with individuals, couples, families, and youth, he specializes in anxiety, depression, sex and porn addiction, partners of sex addicts, substance use issues, grief and loss, career burnout, and family-of-origin issues.
Tim’s clinical training is in solution-focused therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, motivational interviewing, attachment theory, and Bowen family systems theory. A Licensed Clinical Social Worker Associate (LCSWA) and a Certified Sex Addiction (CSAT) candidate, Tim has also served as clergy for Lutheran and Episcopal congregations. He works with both religious and nonreligious clients in a judgment-free zone. He is adept at being a calming presence to those in stressful situations and is respectful of the client’s needs, perspective, and values. To schedule an appointment with Tim, please call the office at (919) 382-0288 or Tim’s direct line at (919) 533-7907, or you can email him at tim@bullcitypsychotherapy.com.