Gratitude

Grit

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What is the one thing you want for your kids?  The single most important thing you want to instill in them?  The collective answers may vary some, but most parents would agree that, more than anything, we want to raise people that have the ability to be happy and healthy.  We want them to be able to create the lives they desire, to bounce back from adversity – we want them to have grit.  And let’s be honest – we want to be gritty too.

The term “grit” has been around a long time, but recently it has been defined in such a way as to be academically measured and researched.  Dr. Angela Duckworth has pioneered this work via her research in the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania.  She defines grit as “the passion and perseverance for long-term goals.”  She has studied grit in the context of West Point Cadets, world-class musicians and athletes, and K-12 students of all backgrounds.  While the field is evolving, the work thus far is important and academically sound.  It’s very cool stuff.  You can learn more here:  https://ppc.sas.upenn.edu/people/angela-duckworth

For the sake of this post, I want to focus on how we grow grit. Dr. Duckworth posits that, “If we want our children to have a shot at a productive and satisfying life, we adults should make it our concern to provide them with the two things all children deserve: challenges to exceed what they were able to do yesterday and the support that makes that growth possible.”

It boils down to challenges and support.  We need to experience age-appropriate challenges.  And we need to feel the feeling of gradually and regularly overcoming those challenges.  We need to know what it feels like to practice something that is hard, and then feel it become a little easier the next day.  We need to develop a growth mindset – where failure is a cue to try a different way, rather than a cue to get frustrated and give up.  We cultivate these good habits in an environment where we are supported to try things, fail, and try again.

As an individual, be someone who seeks these experiences.  Try, fail, smile, and try again.  As a parent, partner, or friend, be someone who cultivates these experiences for others.  Provide your children with age-appropriate challenges.  Help them know what focused practice feels like.  Help them learn that failure is a cue to try again.  Challenge is healthy when we are supported to grow through it.  These skills we learn in childhood serve us well our entire lives.

I strongly encourage you to read the book itself, because there are so many important considerations about these principles and how they apply to our lives.  You can learn more here: http://angeladuckworth.com/

ACTIONABLE NEXT STEPS:

Think of a challenge that is age-appropriate for your kiddo (or yourself) like practicing piano, soccer, spelling, yoga, Spanish, etc.

Work with them to commit to practicing that challenge for an appropriate amount of time.  (Here are examples to start with.  Tweak as you see fit.)

Ages 5-8 = 10mins/day; 3 days/week for 2 months
Ages 8-10 = 30mins/day; 3 days/week for 6 months
Ages 10-14 = 1hr/day; 3 days/week for 9 months
Ages 15-18 = 1hr/day; 3 days/week for a year or more

When it gets hard, provide the support they need to stick with it.

When they feel a difficult task getting easier, celebrate that progress!

When they’ve mastered the task or goal, pick another one and do it again.

Go forth!  Try! Fail! Try again!  Practice!  Support your people through adversity!  Be gritty and get grittier!

grit bull city psychotherapy matt kreiner

Love is….

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It’s Matt here – and this Valentine’s Day has got me thinking about love.
I recently heard the amazing actress Taraji P. Henson define love.  (Sidenote: It was in the context of her new movie “Best of Enemies” which is based on a true story of race and redemption here in Durham, NC in the late 60’s.  The movie comes out April 5th.)  She said, “love is the search for understanding”.  I heard that while driving alone in my car and out loud I said, “Wow!”.  It hit me hard, because it is the essence of what we talk about so much in our therapy rooms.
Love is searching to understand your person – not necessarily agreeing with them, or seeing things exactly the same way.  But to love them is to seek to understand them.  When we understand someone, we can accept them for who they truly are. Brene Brown says, “it’s hard to hate someone up close”.  I think this is a related idea.  When we feel understood, we feel loved.  It may sound simple, but it’s so so true.   And as I reflected, I realized this is true for all our relationships.
Think about it – with your partner, parent, child, friend, sibling, co-worker – would it feel like you were showing them love if you tried to sincerely understand them?  Would you feel loved if they sought to fully understand you?  So here’s an invitation:  in the course of your next conversation with someone you love, make an intentional effort to seek to understand them.  Not to fix them, or agree with them, or change them – just seek to understand them.  See if your bond deepens, and watch the love flow between you both.
Wishing you all a deeper sense of connection, understanding, and love on Valentines Day and beyond! – Matt

 

Matt Kreiner, MSW, LCSWA
Lead Associate & Clinical Manager

Are you wasting half your joy?

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How to get the most out of your experiences (and life).

Joy anticipation Bull City Psychotherapy Matt Kreiner Sophia Caudle

Quick hits

  • The anticipation can be almost as great as the thing itself
  • You are missing out on joy and pleasure if you do not appreciate and reflect on things
  • We become wired to overlook the positives in our lives.  Fight this.
  • Here are 3 things you should do to enjoy your life more today. 

Here’s the thing – we’re wasting so much pleasure.  Most of us grind through our weeks and find a couple of highlights to enjoy.  Some quality time with someone we love, a cheat meal, etc.  Whatever those moments of happiness are, we usually confine them to the moments themselves – and this, dear reader, is the heartbreaking part:  we’re leaving 60% of our pleasure on the table. 

For the sake of this conversation let’s agree on the following math:  30% of our pleasure comes from anticipation, 40% comes from the event itself, and 30% of our pleasure comes from reflection, otherwise known as the back 30. 

Anticipation

Before I focus on the main point of this post (the back 30) I want to focus on anticipation.  There have been many studies that indicate anticipation can be almost as pleasurable as the thing itself.  I like this article for describing the phenomenon.

The main idea here is that if you intentionally look forward to something, for example a vacation, you can deepen the richness of the experience by reading up on the location, watching movies that feature the location, making a playlist to go with the trip, planning your outfits, planning your meals, etc.  Looking forward to the trip can be almost as fun as experiencing it all. 

The back 30%: Active Reflection

So, you spent all this time training for your 5k.  You researched a training plan, bought some running gear, picked a race, trained like crazy, and crushed it!  What an experience!  The training was liberating.  You did things you weren’t sure you could do.  You pushed through pain.  The energy on race day was unlike anything you’ve been a part of before.  The pride immediately after was special. 

Then what?  Did you let the experience die there?  Did you immediately start planning the next one? If so, you left 30% of your joy on the table. 

You accomplished something wonderful!  Take a little bit of time to acknowledge that!  Think about a way that’s meaningful to you and soak up that back 30! Maybe it’s a great steak dinner with dessert.  Maybe it’s a framed case for your certificate and medal.  Maybe it’s a thank you note to your partner for watching the kids all those hours you were out slogging through training runs.  Whatever it is –this reflective activity will deepen the richness of your experience and help you tap in to that back 30% of joy to be had. 

Here are some more ideas and suggestions:

A Shutterfly/memory book to finally organize those pictures from that great vacation

A thank you note to a friend/family member/parent who helped you with that favor – tell them what it really meant to you and what it allowed you to accomplish.

A new portfolio, brief case, or outfit in honor of that new job you got last year.

If you’re not sure where to start, make an “Accomplishments in the Last Year” list.  Our weekly routines wire us to forget all the great things we’ve done so we can move on to whatever is next on the list.  Take a break.  Take a breath.  Intentionally reflect on how great you are and how much pleasure you are forbidding yourself to experience by moving on so quickly. 

This week

Pick 1 thing from your past and brainstorm how to tap into the back 30% of joy you left sitting on the table.

Pick 1 thing you did today that you did not fully relish.  What can you do right now to get the most out of that experience?

Pick 1 thing you’ll do this week.  What is something you will intentionally do to make sure you don’t waste the back 30?

Take stock of how rich these experiences become and how your pleasure deepens as you tap in to this reflective gratitude.  I’m going to go reward myself for writing such a phenomenal blog post. 

All the best as you make your progress,
Matt

Joy anticipation Bull City Psychotherapy Matt Kreiner Sophia Caudle

How Can We Feel Thankful if We Are Experiencing Ambiguous Grief?

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Thanksgiving Ambiguous Grief Disappointment Sophia Caudle Bull City Psychotherapy

 

 

Thanksgiving is a holiday where we are reminded to count our blessings and be thankful. However, for many of us it is a reminder of who we have lost and what we do not have. If we have lost a loved one who is still living, and we feel grief or sadness still, then we are possibly experiencing ambiguous grief. Ambiguous Grief is the feeling experienced when we lose a loved one who is still alive. This can be due to divorce, diagnosis, disclosure of traumatic information, or change of a relationship.

How can we feel thankful if someone we love is no longer in our lives, but still living, and we miss them terribly? How can we feel thankful if our loved one has a mind altering diagnosis, such as Dimentia or Alzheimer’s, and they are not the same person we used to love? How can we feel thankful if we recently discovered that our life partner has spent most of the retirement savings, in an investment that he/she never discussed with us? These are just a few examples of how ambiguous grief can present in our lives. And expanding upon the original definition, ambiguous grief also applies to the awareness of what we never had, yet we knew we needed, such as loving, healthy, or safe childhood.

Yes, it is very painful to experience loss, regardless of the cause. However, after a loved one passes, we do not hope they will return, because rationally we know that they will not, and with ambiguous grief, during the holidays especially, we might still hope that our living loved one might return to our former relationship.

How can we move through ambiguous grief and still feel thankful during this holiday season? First, it is so very critical to be mindful and stay in the present moment; meaning make efforts to keep your focus on this day, rather than the days of the past. This takes practice, but if you practice Mindfulness Meditation, your mind can learn the practice of staying in the present rather than looking backwards, or being preoccupied with preparing for the future. Staying in the present moment can help us appreciate what we DO have. Notice the small things that the present moment can offer you, such as, food to eat. How does each morsel and bite taste in your mouth? Next, notice and appreciate the people you are sharing your time with, whether they are family, friends, strangers, or a ‘chosen family’. Notice them for who they ARE. Appreciate them for their uniqueness, and most importantly, appreciate them for sharing their time with YOU. Try to appreciate your loved ones as they are, and try not to make assumptions about who you think they are based on your ambiguous grief. Finally, be thankful for YOURSELF. You are the most important person in your own life, and as such, you can be thankful for simply, being.  Try writing a gratitude list for what you notice and appreciate in your present moment awareness.

However, keeping your mind in the present also means acknowledging any ambiguous grief that you may be feeling, and allowing the feeling to be felt. This is so important, because ambiguous grief needs to be felt in order for us to move through it. Notice I said ambiguous grief needs to be felt, not obsessed about. There is a difference between feeling and thinking. A feeling is something that we can feel inside our bodies. If we start engaging the brain and think about what we are feeling, then that feeling can turn into anxiety, and then our thinking evolves into obsessing and ruminating. When this happens we are not staying in the present moment. It is important to find a safe way to feel your ambiguous grief. You can plan this in many ways, such as with a friend, with a sponsor, with a counselor, in a support group, or by writing in a journal, during meditation, or by creating a personal ritual that represents you moving through your ambiguous grief.

So, yes we can feel thankful even if we are feeling ambiguous grief. In short, we can do this by focusing on the present moment and noticing the small gifts we have, even while acknowledging the grief we may still feel.

Thanksgiving Ambiguous Grief Disappointment Sophia Caudle Bull City Psychotherapy

Do you know what gratitude is?

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Quick Hits:

  • Gratitude is not simply saying “thank you”.

  • You should be intentionally practicing gratitude daily because of its many proven physical and psychological health benefits.

  • Simple, quick exercises can help you realize these many benefits.(action steps listed below)

Personal disclaimer (you can skip this part if you just want the tips):  I LOVE this topic more than just about any other.  I’m fascinated by gratitude.  I’ve spoken to people who have made gratitude the cornerstone of their lives.  It is the foundation of their spiritual condition.  I’ve also spoken to people who have ever hardly given it a second thought.  To me, anything that covers that much ground has got to be interesting.  This post discusses the academic research that has defined gratitude, proven its utility in our lives, and prescribed ways to practice it.  Whether you practice gratitude daily, or never think about it, I suspect you’ll find this information intriguing if not downright exhilarating. Here’s the gratitude post…

Read more Do you know what gratitude is? ›