After the Affair: To Stay or To Leave?

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Was Hillary Clinton wrong for staying with her husband, Bill, after yet another affair—this time with a White House intern? Personally, I don’t think it’s anybody’s business what she chose to do, but as a public figure, Ms. Clinton was the object of much gossip. In past generations, there was pressure to stay in the marriage and work it out, but as author Esther Perel notes, the “new shame” has become staying with your spouse when you have the option of leaving. Family and friends may shame you for hanging in there, but their assessment of the situation may not include all the variables. Your calculations may also include considerations of children, finances, cherished memories, fear, and hope.

My aim is not to convince you that you should stay or leave. You have to make the final determination. After all, you’re the one who has to live with the results of your decision. And it can be a complicated decision. If you’re like most spouses, you may have received a staggered disclosure. You didn’t receive the details of the sexual acting out in one tidy confession. You thought you knew everything and then found out there was more. And still more. Being hit by multiple disclosures can be traumatizing. You were left wondering, “Who is this person that I thought I knew? What unknowns will I find out next?”

I’m not saying it’s easy, but for those who choose to work through the issues, there is the possibility that the marriage can be not only saved, but taken to a better place never thought possible. The old marriage is gone, but there is hope for a renewed connection based on rebuilt trust and respect. It will take determination and work—both for the one who’s been acting out sexually and also for the partner. (And yes, it all seems so unfair. Why should the partner have to go to therapy and do all this work when it was the other person who brought this pain?) But as therapists, we help couples create a way forward that involves a commitment to complete honesty, accountability, and making amends to the injured partner. We create a welcoming space to help you find your way back to a great relationship. Let us help you build a strong bond again. You’ve got nothing to lose by calling us.

To schedule an appointment with Tim, email him at tim@bullcitypsychotherapy.com or call his direct line at (919) 533-7907. Or see his website at successinrecovery.com.

 

Recent Trends in Sex and Love Addiction in Women

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Less Sex, More Love Addiction in Women

An article by Kate Julian in The Atlantic titled “The Sex Recession” takes a thorough look at the recent trends of folks having less sex.  I found this to be a fascinating piece with a misleading title because, while people are reporting less sex (intercourse), other sexual behaviors are booming.  It reminded me of conversations I’ve had with many clients – particularly female sex and love addicts – who identify with the following trends Ms. Julian noted in her article including:
  • huge increases in frequency of masturbation
  • hook-up culture is diminishing peoples’ social skills for relationship building, and this discomfort leads people to perceive flirting behaviors as creepy/threatening rather than attractive/flattering
  • sex is physically painful as people attempt to replicate pornography – which is increasingly their primary source of sexual education and experience
  • economic pressures and helicopter parents are pushing autonomy, marriage, and sex later into adulthood for many young adults

There are many implications of these trends.  But what struck me was the pain of the female sex and love addict that I commonly come across.  She is disappointed in the partners she’s finding because they are socially and sexually stunted.  They mislead her about what they want in the relationship and what they are capable of, and this is partially a result of her unrealistic expectations and fantasies for the future.

She is disappointed in herself because she can’t seem to break the cycle of hooking up with these people.  When one of the hook-ups does lead to a longer relationship, the initial fantasy of their potential is intoxicating.  But the high wears off and it ultimately ends in pain because she was looking for things they couldn’t provide.  She was hoping they could be a thoughtful, considerate intimate partner and they weren’t ready to be that.  She was also looking to their relationship to validate her worth and fill a void of fulfillment and purpose in her life – and that is always a losing proposition.  To soothe the pain and the loneliness she turns to what she knows – pornography and hook-ups – and the cycle continues.

The good news is we can break the cycle and form a new one.  We can help folks learn new patterns, new ways of identifying and selecting intimate partners, and new ways of taking care of themselves both inside and outside of their intimate relationships.  Enhancing their understanding of sexuality, boundaries, accountability, and integrity allows people to take back control of their lives.  The resources and groups we provide help them feel less alone on their journey.  If any of the above experiences sound like you or someone you know, reach out to us.  We’ll help get you on a path to breaking the cycles that aren’t working for you.

 Who’s in charge: You or your feelings?

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Quick Hits:
– There are 6 basic emotions that are consistent across all intersections of humanity.
– We are likely to feel all of them, to some degree, each day.
– For optimum wellness, think of emotions as data rather than states of being.
– Let your emotions stay with you for a healthy amount of time.

Did you know there are six universal emotions?  This idea is related to the research of Paul Ekman who studied humans across diverse demographic intersections and determined that there are six emotions that we all feel and express in the same ways.  They are:

  1. Joy (Sometimes referred to as ‘Happiness’) – symbolized by raising of the mouth corners (an obvious smile) and tightening of the eyelids
  2. Surprise – symbolized by eyebrows arching, eyes opening wide and exposing more white, with the jaw dropping slightly
  3. Sadness – symbolized by lowering of the mouth corners, the eyebrows descending to the inner corners and the eyelids drooping
  4. Anger – symbolized by eyebrows lowering, lips pressing firmly and eyes bulging
  5. Disgust – symbolized by the upper lip raising, nose bridge wrinkling and cheeks raising
  6. Fear – symbolized by the upper eyelids raising, eyes opening and the lips stretching horizontally

https://www.kairos.com/blog/the-universally-recognized-facial-expressions-of-emotion

I have found this research to be helpful as it has informed the way I think about emotions.  If there are six universal emotions that, as a human being, I’m going to feel to some degree each day, then I can be intentional about how I let them in and out of my life.  Here’s what I mean…

Too often we let our emotions dictate our behaviors without a second thought.  We talk about them and treat them as states of being, saying something like, “I’m angry”.  My experience is that it is more useful to us to view emotions as data, rather than states of being.

By doing this, “I’m angry” becomes “I’m feeling anger.”  With this data, we can notice emotions, process the information they are giving us, and make a choice about how they inform our behavior, rather than giving emotions the power to influence our behavior without consideration and/or for an unhealthy amount of time.

Here’s an example: I’m feeling angry with my partner for not helping with the kids/housework last night.  If I recognize this anger as data, I give myself a good chance of effectively problem-solving in this situation.  I would likely be able to have a conversation with my partner about how I was feeling, why I was feeling that way, and what we could do to avoid that in the future.

If I treat that anger as a state of being, rather than data, I might let it in my life for an unhealthy amount of time.  If I hang on to that anger for too long I could ruin hours or days of my life resenting my partner without taking any productive action to improve the situation.  If I ignore the data, or disallow it in my life for the right amount of time, my resentment will likely build and I am less likely to protect my needs and healthy boundaries in this relationship.  But, if I let it inform me to a healthy extent, I can advocate for my needs without damaging the relationship or my feelings about them for myself.

Basically I’m suggesting that our emotions come into and out of our lives for the purpose of informing us.  We should be mindful about letting them in our lives for the appropriate amount of time, and then letting them leave.  We should not let them stay for too little or too long of a time.

More severe events in our lives, like a loss of life, break-up, or trauma naturally have longer stays in our lives.  The data they provide take a longer time to process and inform our behaviors.  But, as Ekman’s research indicates, most of us will feel the six universal emotions to some degree on a daily basis.

At our healthiest, we can acknowledge our emotions without judgment and let them inform our behaviors for the appropriate amount of time.  If this feels like a challenge for you, you may benefit from some skill building work related to mindfulness techniques and/or emotional regulation.  There are many great books and articles that can be found related to these ideas.  Two that I like in particular are:

Mindfullness: A Practical Guide by Tessa Watt

The High Conflict Couple by Alan Fruzzetti

You can find out more about Paul Ekman’s research here: http://www.beinghuman.org/mind/paul-ekman

All my best to you as you make your progress,

Matt

 

 

Meet Our Newest Associate, Caroline Gobble

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Caroline Gobble Director of Marketing

Meet our new therapist, Caroline Gobble. She has served as our marketing director for the past year and is now an associate at BCP. Caroline is a psychotherapist dedicated to helping individuals, couples, adolescents, and families move beyond the challenges and pain of past experiences in order to live a productive and hope-filled life.  Through individual and group counseling, she strives to create a safe and affirming environment for clients to explore their authentic selves, and she seeks to provide each client with his/her own individual treatment, utilizing evidenced-based interventions. Her areas of interest are assisting clients with eating disorders, depression/anxiety, substance abuse, addiction, relationship issues, trauma, grief/loss, problem-solving skills, social skills training, among many others.

Caroline is a graduate of North Carolina Central University’s Counselor Education Program. She has dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and School Counseling. Caroline is a National Board Certified Counselor (NBCC),  a Licensed Professional Counselor-Associate (LPC-A), and a North Carolina Licensed Professional School Counselor. She is also pursuing her Licensed Clinical Addictions Specialist (LCAS) credential. Caroline earned her Bachelor’s degree from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.

Caroline’s training in eating disorders began when she was an intern at UNC’s Center of Excellence for Eating Disorders (CEED), where she worked on the inpatient eating disorders unit at UNC Hospital. She conducted individual counseling and facilitated various groups including CBT, DBT, and a media awareness/body image group. Her clinical training is in cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, solution focused therapy, motivational interviewing, and Maudsley family therapy. Currently, she is a PRN therapist at Carolina House, a residential eating disorders treatment center in Durham, NC, where she leads a weekly addictions education group, among other groups and individual/family therapy.

Caroline  is a member of the North Carolina Board of Licensed Professional Counselors, American Counseling Association, North Carolina Counseling Association, International Association of Eating Disorders Professionals, North Carolina Chapter of International Association of Eating Disorders Professionals, North Carolina School Counselor Association, American School Counselor Association, and Chi Sigma Iota Counseling Honor Society. She currently serves as the President of Nu Chi Chi, NCCU’s chapter of CSI.

Additionally at Bull City Psychotherapy, Caroline helps maintain the website, manages social media accounts, contributes to articles and blog posts, creates a quarterly newsletter, among other tasks. To schedule an appointment with Caroline, call 919-382-0288-or email caroline@bullcitypsychotherapy

What is a Partner’s Expiration Date?

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What is a ‘Partner’s Expiration Date’? This is a great question that does not have one specific answer, because every partner is different in the time that their tolerance for their spouse/partner’s poor behavior runs out. 

In the field of addiction, whether it is alcoholism, drug addiction, sex/porn addiction, or any problematic behavior, we see partners of addicts move through the experience of living with addiction very differently. Some partners have a very brief expiration date, meaning they do not wait long before they give ultimatums for improved behavior and recovery, or else the relationship is over. The reasons for a short expiration date are varied and many; for example, it’s possible the partner has been through so much grief and trauma that he/she is exhausted and simply does not have more energy to spare towards the relationship. I have also seen that some partners are so affected when learning of a loved one’s addiction, especially sex addiction, that they know deep down they can never truly trust that person again in an intimate way, so they too end the relationship. Partners also reach their expiration dates quickly if their spouse does not choose recovery. Regardless of when or how a partner reaches their expiration date, they will feel the ambiguous grief over the end of their relationship, whether they wanted it to end or not.

However, other partner’s try their best to give it time, and their expiration date for whether or not to end the relationship is longer. Partners with longer expiration dates tend to enter into their own recovery and learn tools for living similar to their addicted partner, if he/she begins the work of Recovery. Recovery work for partners includes creating a recovery plan, learning about relationship health, such as codependency sobriety, possibly working a 12 step group such as ALANON, CODA, or ACA, therapy, support groups, etc. We see that when partners use their energy to focus on themselves instead of focusing on the addict or the addict’s acting out behaviors, their expiration date extend longer than partners who never choose to focus on themselves. 

However, there are times when partners’ expiration dates simply run out, regardless of the recovery work she/he has done. Sometimes recovery can provide meaning to a partner that it is best for the relationship to end, and this is OK too. Recovery is not necessarily a ‘relationship fixer.’  Recovery is what individuals do to heal from addiction and early life grief or trauma, and it can mean different things to different people. The beauty of recovery is that it is, in fact, healing. There is no guarantee where we end up, but if we keep working our own recovery, we definitely feel better and are healthier during our journey.

The 13 Secrets to an AMAZING sex life!  (No really, this list has research supporting it.)

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I know the title sounds like clickbait, but I couldn’t help myself.  I’m a sucker for good data, and on this – the sexiest of topics – we now have good data.

Chirsanna Northrup, Pepper Schwartz, and James Witte set out to learn about couples who had a great sex life, as well as couples who had a bad sex life.  They conducted an online study with 70,000 people in 24 countries.  They detail their findings in an amazing book titled The Normal Bar.  

Before I discuss their findings, I also want to touch on the work of Dr. John Gottman.  He is known as a research and thought leader in the space of learning what makes for great and long lasting relationships.  He’s conducted research with over 3,000 couples across 40 years (https://www.gottman.com/about/research/).

Dr. Gottman combined his data with the study from The Normal Bar and isolated 13 things all couples do who have a great sex life, and 6 things all couples do who have a bad sex life.  Without further adieu –  here’s what they found:

The 13 things that people with a great sex life do:

1. They say “I love you” every day and mean it.
2. They kiss one another passionately for no reason.
3. They give surprise romantic gifts.
4. They know what turns their partners on and off erotically. (pause and ask yourself – do you know the answers to these questions about your partner?  Do they know the answers about you?  Have you ever talked about this?)
5. They are physically affectionate, even in public.
6. They keep playing and having fun together.
7. They cuddle.
8. They make sex a priority, not the last item of a long to-do list.
9. They stay good friends.
10. They can talk comfortably about their sex life.  (Stop and ask yourself – can you do this?)
11. They have weekly dates.
12. They take romantic vacations.
13. They are mindful about turning toward each other in good times and bad.

The 6 things that people with a bad sex life do:

1. Spend very little time together during a typical week.
2. Become job-centered and/or child-centered.
3. Talk mostly about their huge to-do lists.
4. Seem to make everything else a priority other than their relationship.
5. Drift apart and lead parallel lives.
6. Are unintentional about turning toward one another to deal with life’s issues and their own feelings.

How did these lists make you feel?  How many of the things are you doing on both lists?
In my mind, many of these items fall under the heading of “simple but not easy”.  It’s simple to say, “we need to have weekly dates”.  It’s harder to find the time.  Look at your relationship.  Look at the relationships around you.  Having an amazing sex life, and a deep intimate connection over the long-term is certainly not easy.  

My other big take-away is that this list is really describing a relationship of connection.  Sure, a strong physical connection is important to make sex fun, but in order to keep it fun the connection must be deeper than that.  You must be able to talk to one another – even about difficult topics.  You need to make time for one another – even when life gets busy.  You need to do the things that nurture a good friendship – like being consistently respectful and thoughtful, and knowing when and how to apologize for wounding each other.  Authentic physical and emotional connection keeps your relationship, and your sex-life, healthy and indeed, great!  

If you notice you have some areas in your relationship that could use improvement, there is reason for hope.  We at Bull City Psychotherapy know how to help.  If you are not having a great sex life, if you are struggling to succeed in any or all of those 13 key items, give us a call.  We’ll be honored to help you improve this critical part of your most intimate relationship.  

To schedule an appointment with Matt, please call the office at (919) 382-0288 or Matt’s direct line is (919) 794-5490, or email at matt@bullcitypsychotherapy.com.

When It’s Not Okay to Talk

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Do you remember any of these phrases from your childhood?
“Quit being a baby!”
“Take it like a man!”
“Don’t upset me with your problems!”
“Don’t you know I’m too busy with your father/sister/brother to deal with you right now?”

It may have been inadvertent, but you got the message somewhere along the line that it’s not okay to
talk about unpleasant things. You may have grown up in a family where you felt like there wasn’t room
for you—for your emotions, your needs, your grief and sadness. You learned that it’s not okay to talk
about difficult issues, and so, you found self-soothing and relief in sex or porn or at the bottom of a
bottle. These things weren’t the same as a deep, loving connection with a human being, but they made
you feel good enough to get by. You couldn’t connect emotionally, so you found a substitute.

You did the best you knew how as a child, but now you recognize that the old pattern or addiction is
ruining your life. So, where do you begin at this point to function in a different way? How do you start
connecting? How do you find the courage to talk about painful stuff? If you’re dealing with an addiction,
individual therapy and group therapy can be great ways to learn how to manage your emotions, reduce
shame, and build healthy relationships. Particularly when it comes to sex and porn addiction, finding a
Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) is a must. A specially trained therapist and an addiction group
can jump start your healing and growth.

Reach out. Find a new way to connect. Learn that it’s okay to talk about it—in fact, it’s necessary to talk.
Know that there is room for you.

To schedule an appointment with Tim, please call his direct line at 919-533-7907. Or you can e-mail
him at tim@bullcitypsychotherapy.com.

Relationships – Thank your person in their language

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Quick Hits –
Think of someone important to you and ask them which of the following 5 actions they prefer:
Words of affirmation
Acts of service
Receiving gifts
Quality time
Physical touch

Think of 3 ideas that would fall in to their preferred category. Do the things!

Rationale:

This relationship wellness tip is based on the premise that you already understand how important it is to show gratitude to those closest to you.  If you haven’t internalized that yet, take breath and let it sink in.  Those closest to us impact us the most and get recognized the least – typically because we have gotten used to the routine that they will be there.  It’s human nature, and it’s healthy for us to fight that inclination to take them for granted.  Do so by thanking them for being in your life – but how?

Learn their language:

There is a well documented theory, developed and published by Gary Chapman, which posits that there are 5 primary love languages.  Read more about it here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/.

The idea is that individuals interpret things differently.  Something that might be hugely meaningful to you might go unnoticed by someone else.  The opposite is also true.

When you are reaching out to thank someone, or show affection, or appreciation, or any kind of love, you will make the maximum impact by doing so in their language.  It is common for us to communicate these emotions in our own languages – I’m suggesting you stop that right now.  Communicating in your language makes you feel good.  Communicating in their language makes them feel good.  Thanking someone, or showing affection, is not about you!  It’s that simple.

Below are the 5 languages that Chapman has presented along with a starting list of actions you can take to speak to your person in their language.  This is good stuff. It works for partners, friends, parents, siblings, and children alike.  Know the languages of the people in your life.  Make your own lists, and refer to them often.  They will thank you – and hopefully they do so in your language J

Words of affirmation – write a card, email, or even better sit down with them face to face and tell them what they mean to you, what they bring to your life, why you’re grateful for them.

Acts of service – What do they hate doing – laundry, yard work, bills, dishes, cooking?  Think about ways to make their life easier and then do the things!

Receiving gifts – Money is not the priority here.  The gesture and the thought behind it make the difference.  What is something you know they like – their morning coffee, new workout clothes, merchandise from their favorite show/musician/actor?  Get them a small something that communicates the message: “I know you like this, so I got it for you, because I like you.”

Quality time – this doesn’t have to cost any money.  Simply spend time with your person.  Typically the fewer screens (phones, tvs, etc) involved, the better.  Talk with them about things they find interesting.  It doesn’t have to be deep.  And you don’t have to like the same things as much as they do.  You’re doing it for them.  Do something with them that they like to do, and commit to it.  Twenty minutes of sincere attention from you can go a long way to making them feel your appreciation.

Physical touch – think about what is appropriate, then do it!  Maybe it’s a good solid hug.  Maybe it’s a foot rub. (Side note: my wife’s primary language is physical touch and I am still shocked at how much she appreciates a foot rub.)  Maybe it’s making time to make time like Dusty Springfield sang about.  Do what they will appreciate.

Whatever you choose, remember that IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU!

When Your Partner Won’t Go to Therapy

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What do you do when you’ve done all you can? Despite repeated promises to stop having affairs or talking in chat rooms or sexting with a coworker, your partner continues. There’s a pattern—what seems like an addiction. Your partner says, no, everything’s fine. Or that this is normal in a marriage, even though the two of you made a commitment to be exclusive. If your partner refuses to go to therapy, what do you? What’s the next step?

The next step is to begin with yourself. I know that statement may sound strange or blaming, but that’s not the intent. You can’t force your partner to change; you can only change yourself. And the best next step at this point is to stop pressuring your partner into therapy, and instead find your own therapist. You need someone with the right training who can help you think through the options—to help you understand boundaries and accountability and addiction. If you’re having trouble setting boundaries, the therapist can help you look at why it’s difficult for you. Boundaries can be complicated. Besides, you can really miss important opportunities if you don’t have the right person to assist you in thinking things through.

For example, suppose you give your partner an ultimatum that he must attend 12-step group meetings every day for a month. It sounds reasonable enough, but you may have just inadvertently shot yourself in the foot. What’s going to happen? Well, after a month of attending meetings, the partner may very well say, “Okay, I did what you asked me to do. Now I’m done. And I’m not going back.” Or what if the partner attends 20 meetings but not the 30 meetings that you asked for? Are you really prepared to leave the relationship because work or family obligations interfered?

You see my point? The next step is most likely to begin with yourself. “Get thee to a therapist!” And if the partner’s problem has anything to do with sex and porn addiction, you definitely need a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT). Other therapists may be great with other issues, but most are not trained in sex addiction. Having the right therapist will make all the difference. I promise you.

At Bull City Psychotherapy, we would be honored to work with you and help you on your journey. Take the first step. Begin with yourself. Do it now.

To schedule an appointment with Tim, please call his direct line at 919-533-7907. Or you can e-mail him at tim@bullcitypsychotherapy.com.

Transgender: Really though, WTH does transgender mean?

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Quick Hits:

  • If you don’t know something, that doesn’t make you a bad person.
  • Anatomy, identity, expression, sexuality – are four distinct components of our lives that deal with gender.  
  • These four components, like most things in life, exist on a spectrum, which is to say, they are non-binary or have more than two possible outcomes.
  • To be transgender is defined by each individual, but basically refers to the extent to which a person’s gender identity, role, or expression is different from the cultural norms prescribed for people of a particular sex.  For example – a person could have the anatomy of a female but identify and/or express themselves in a way that is less feminine, or more masculine, than cultural norms.
  • Transgender / Gender nonconforming people have been around forever.  The way cultures have responded to them has changed. For example, indigenous cultures referred to GNC people as “Two Spirited”, and they were revered as healers and visionaries.
  • Gender nonconforming (GNC) folks are not dangerous.  Tragically, GNC folks are much more likely to be the targets of violent crimes than to be perpetrators.  

First off – not knowing something is nothing to be ashamed of.  If you’re confused about some aspect of identifying as transgender, there is nothing wrong with you!  This post is designed to help. My goal is to provide some basic factual information on this topic. My hope is that this information will help you be more comfortable and feel better informed when you interact with folks who identify as transgender, or gender nonconforming (GNC).  

Let’s dive in!

What helped me most as I was learning about gender non-conforming (GNC) folks was to understand that anatomy, identity, expression, and sexuality are different things.  So, let’s cover that real quick.

transgender Bull city psychotherapy sex addiction therapy

Anatomy – as humans, our anatomy develops in predictable ways. We are assigned a gender at birth based on our external sex organs (like a penis).  This can differ from our internal sex organs (like a uterus). It’s rare, but sometimes our internal and external sex organs do not align with the same gender.  This is called “ambiguous genitalia”. This is NOT the same thing as being transgender or GNC. Main point: there are more than two possible combinations of our gender anatomy, so the description is non-binary (has more than two possible outcomes), and our biological make-up is different from our expression, identity, and sexuality.  You can learn more about ambiguous genitalia here: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/ambiguous-genitalia/basics/definition/con-20026345

Identity – deep in our brains, in the same area that informs you that you love pizza and hate anchovies, this is where your identity lives.  It tells you what feels right. Our cultural norms tell us that men hold doors open and love football, but our brains tell us what feels right.  Maybe you love hitting things. Maybe you love ballet dancing. Your brain is informing your preference. Your culture is naming it with a gender.  The things your brain tells you to like may be more masculine or feminine when compared to cultural norms. I, for example, love football, hitting things, and steak, as much as I love musical theater, romantic comedies, and the color purple.  Main point: there are more than two possible combinations of our identities, so the description is non-binary (has more than two possible outcomes), and our identity is different than our anatomy, expression, and sexuality.

Expression – is completely external.  So far (with anatomy and identity) we’ve been discussing things that come from within our bodies.  Expression has everything to do with our external presentation to the world. Some of us prefer to wear baggy clothes.  Some prefer suits. Some prefer yoga pants. Some prefer make-up. Some prefer beards. Our expression can tell the world how we prefer to be seen.  Many times our preferences for gender expression conform with cultural norms. Sometimes they don’t. Main point: there are more than two possible combinations of gender expression, so the description is non-binary (has more than two possible outcomes), and is different than our anatomy, identity, and sexuality.  

Sexuality – this is who we love and who we want (or do not want) to have sex with.  As you may have guessed by now, these preferences live deep in our brains and are non-binary – or exist on a spectrum.  Some people are attracted to stereotypically masculine/feminine traits and only those traits. Some people like a little of this and a little of that.  The main point is that there are more than two combinations of sexuality, so the description is non-binary (has more than two possible outcomes), and is different than our anatomy, identity, and expression.  

Ok, so now we know what anatomy, identity, expression, and sexuality are in this conversation.  But, the question remains, WTH does it mean to be transgender?! Here’s the answer…

To be transgender most commonly means that your identity is not the same as your anatomy.  

An even better definition is that being transgender refers to the extent to which a person’s gender identity, role, or expression differs from the cultural norms prescribed for people of a particular sex.

However, there are two important points to consider when we are thinking about definitions.  

First, let a person tell you what they want to be called.  Just like you might prefer to be called “Italian” as opposed to “European”, we all have our own reactions to labels.  So, if you don’t know a person’s preference, simply ask, “what do you prefer to be called?” Another good question is, “what are your preferred gender pronouns?”  This will let you know if you should say “he/him/his” , “she/her/hers”, “they”, etc. when referring to this person.

Secondly, we’ve outlined four different components (anatomy, identity, expression, and sexuality) that deal with gender and established that each component exists on a spectrum (is non-binary).  So there are many, many combinations of ways these components could intersect for a person.

If you’re not sure what term to use, I suggest using the term “gender non-conforming” (GNC).  It respectfully covers the spectrums. Gender non-conformity (GNC) refers to the extent to which a person’s gender identity, role, or expression differs from the cultural norms prescribed for people of a particular sex.

Whew!  Now we know what “transgender” means!

I have one more important point I want to make on this topic.  It has to do with fear. You have interacted with many GNC folks without knowing it.  This fact may be confusing, and even scary, but this confusion and fear is a result of your natural reaction to that which is different – not factual human behavior.  Here’s what I mean…

GNC folks, as a population demographic, are less, not more, dangerous than just about any other demographic you could think of that deals with gender.    

In fact, recently (April 2016) the National Task Force to End Sexual and Domestic Violence Against Women, which is comprised of thousands of experts in the field, published a letter stating that GNC folks pose no inherent risk to others – particularly women.  You can read their statement here: http://4vawa.org/4vawa/2016/4/21/full-and-equal-access-for-the-transgender-community

Furthermore, of all the homicides in 2013 that were classified as hate crimes, 72% of the victims were transgender women – that likely means they were anatomically men who identified and/or expressed as feminine.  So, not only are GNC folks less likely to be violent, but they are more likely to be victims. These brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, and neighbors of ours are not to be feared. In fact, they have much more to fear than most of us.  

Final thought: Like anything else, when we find something to be confusing, our brain usually, automatically labels it as “less-than” and/or dangerous.  I am encouraging you to fight that urge. Fight that fear response. Rise above it. The fact is you’ve already interacted with many GNC folks – and they were pleasant, and respectful, and not scary.  Next time you get a chance to do so, be intentional about showing them the same love and respect you would anyone else. If you want to know something about them, respectfully ask them, just like you would anybody else.  The key term is “just like you would anybody else”. Asking “how do you prefer to be addressed?” or “how can I be a better ally to you?” are rooted in concern. Asking, “are you going to have the surgery?” or “does this make you gay?” are rooted in curiosity and are not questions you would typically ask of someone you just met.  Life is tough enough as it is. Let’s not let superficial differences make it tougher for ourselves or others. Please see the links below for more information.

transgender Bull city psychotherapy sex addiction therapySummary:

There’s nothing wrong with not knowing something.  Just be respectful with your questions.

Anatomy, identity, expression, and sexuality all exist on a spectrum (are non-binary) and are different from one another.

Being transgender or gender non-conforming (GNC) refers to the extent to which a person’s gender identity, role, or expression differs from the cultural norms prescribed for people of a particular sex.  

Individuals may prefer different terms to define their identities.  If you don’t know someone’s preference, simply ask, “how do you prefer to be addressed?”

GNC folks are not dangerous.  If you don’t believe me, just ask thousands of trained professionals working to protect women all over the country.  Their position is articulated here: http://4vawa.org/4vawa/2016/4/21/full-and-equal-access-for-the-transgender-community

GNC folks are a particularly vulnerable population as they are disproportionately targeted for hate crimes.  

Just like anyone else, GNC folks deserve our respect and love.

More information:

FAQ:  http://www.glaad.org/transgender/transfaq

The Genderbread Person (great resource!) – http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/genderbread-person/#sthash.5CiYYY2I.dpbs

World Professional Association for Transgender Health – www.wpath.org

Violence statistics: http://www.avp.org/storage/documents/ncavp_transhvfactsheet.pdf

Gender ambiguity: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/ambiguous-genitalia/basics/definition/con-20026345