Less Sex, More Love Addiction in Women
An article by Kate Julian in The Atlantic titled “The Sex Recession” takes a thorough look at the recent trends of folks having less sex. I found this to be a fascinating piece with a misleading title because, while people are reporting less sex (intercourse), other sexual behaviors are booming. It reminded me of conversations I’ve had with many clients – particularly female sex and love addicts – who identify with the following trends Ms. Julian noted in her article including:
- huge increases in frequency of masturbation
- hook-up culture is diminishing peoples’ social skills for relationship building, and this discomfort leads people to perceive flirting behaviors as creepy/threatening rather than attractive/flattering
- sex is physically painful as people attempt to replicate pornography – which is increasingly their primary source of sexual education and experience
- economic pressures and helicopter parents are pushing autonomy, marriage, and sex later into adulthood for many young adults
There are many implications of these trends. But what struck me was the pain of the female sex and love addict that I commonly come across. She is disappointed in the partners she’s finding because they are socially and sexually stunted. They mislead her about what they want in the relationship and what they are capable of, and this is partially a result of her unrealistic expectations and fantasies for the future.
She is disappointed in herself because she can’t seem to break the cycle of hooking up with these people. When one of the hook-ups does lead to a longer relationship, the initial fantasy of their potential is intoxicating. But the high wears off and it ultimately ends in pain because she was looking for things they couldn’t provide. She was hoping they could be a thoughtful, considerate intimate partner and they weren’t ready to be that. She was also looking to their relationship to validate her worth and fill a void of fulfillment and purpose in her life – and that is always a losing proposition. To soothe the pain and the loneliness she turns to what she knows – pornography and hook-ups – and the cycle continues.
The good news is we can break the cycle and form a new one. We can help folks learn new patterns, new ways of identifying and selecting intimate partners, and new ways of taking care of themselves both inside and outside of their intimate relationships. Enhancing their understanding of sexuality, boundaries, accountability, and integrity allows people to take back control of their lives. The resources and groups we provide help them feel less alone on their journey. If any of the above experiences sound like you or someone you know, reach out to us. We’ll help get you on a path to breaking the cycles that aren’t working for you.