Monthly Archives: December 2018

Ambiguous Grief and the New Year: How Can We Feel Optimistic About Starting a New Year When We Feel Ambiguous Grief?

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ambiguous grief winter Bull City Psychotherapy Sophia Caudle

For many, the holidays and the start of a new year can be a joyous time. For others, the start of a new year can be a reminder of what we have lost or what we have never had.

For those of us who feel ambiguous grief during the holidays, here are some tips you can incorporate into your day that will truly transform how to perceive your life. For starters, it is so important that we first identify and even write down our blessings or parts of our life that we feel much gratitude for. I like identifying at least three things I feel grateful for as I am settling in to practice mindfulness meditation. I do this in a very self aware and intentional manner, with full attention and imagery in my mind for what or who I am grateful for. Other people like to keep a daily gratitude journal. This is also extremely helpful. The process of writing down what we are grateful for really solidifies the authenticity of feeling grateful for something specific. And others like to fill a jar or box with gratitudes and periodically read them for an emotional boost and reality check when we are feeling down.

I also think it is critical that we allow time and space to actually feel the feelings of ambiguous grief that we may not want to feel. If we have lost someone who is still living, or we are mourning something we never had, such as a loving relationship with a parent, then we need to honor our feelings and allow them to be felt, rather than pushing them away or numbing out with addictions or other distracting behaviors.

For me, I use certain time during my mindfulness practice to be devoted to feeling ALL of the feelings I need to feel, especially the ones that I don’t want to feel. When I do this, my feelings of ambiguous grief do not torment me as much in my daily life at work or with family. I give myself the gift of feeling my true feelings without judgment. There are many other ways you might find work for you to feel your true feelings; possibly with a trusted friend, or a counselor, journal writing, etc.; these are all great, just find what works best for you.

In the end, just because a new year is starting does not mean our feelings of ambiguous grief are simply going to disappear. Grief is a feeling that needs to be honored, processed, and felt. There is no time frame for grief. Grief can also turn into complicated grief or depression, so if you are stuck, then please seek professional help. If you are, however, honoring your true feelings and working through the ambiguous grief, then you are not stuck, you are successfully feeling the hard work of processing grief.

Ambiguous grief may come and go, especially if the person your mourn is still alive, and you see him or her. Anytime we experience loss or negative feelings, our underlying feelings of ambiguous grief can be triggered, and if this happens it is perfectly normal. When you notice you are triggered, practice the tools that work for you, such as creating a gratitude list or calling a trusted friend to share.

Dr. Sophia Caudle relationship therapist

If you are experiencing ambiguous grief and you would like to schedule an individual intensive with Dr. Caudle, please email her at Sophia@bullcitypsychotherapy.com.

Ambiguous grief intensives focus on identifying, processing, and moving through grief with experiential work and research based therapies.

Child Pornography

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porn-computer-key_large bull city psychotherapy Lara Markovits

Do you view or have urges to view pornography featuring children or teens? Do you experience shame or isolation related to these urges or behaviors? Do you worry that you may be tempted to commit a sexual act against a child or teen? If you are considering seeking treatment, you may find yourself asking some of the following questions:

Why do I do this?

Traditionally, compulsion to consume pornographic images featuring children and teens, and pedophilia in general, has been viewed as a moral failing for which the only remedy is long-term incarceration and/or community ostracism. This approach assumes that the individual chooses to access the content and does not wish to stop. We now know that this perspective is not only inaccurate, but also dangerous in that it offers no hope for those who hope to avoid offending. Most convicted child pornography offenders report they WANTED to stop the behavior, but felt powerless against their compulsions. The pain associated with this powerlessness is immense and sometimes deadly. In fact, research shows that people who struggle with these unwanted urges die by suicide at significantly higher rates than the general population.

Newer research has identified a number of factors that increase the likelihood that an individual will develop a sexual attraction to children or a compulsion to view child pornography. These factors include experiencing sexual abuse as a child, neurological or developmental disorders, learning disabilities, poor problem-solving skills, and even biological conditions such as brain tumors. Some individuals become addicted to adult pornography and are gradually introduced to sexualized images of children. In these instances, child pornography is an escalation of pornography addiction, in part because of the taboo against it.

While we do not currently have a thorough understanding of why these compulsions develop, researchers are continually revealing information to assist mental health providers and sufferers with reducing risk of harm and improving quality of life. Regardless of the causes of one’s sexual attraction to children and teens, it is the responsibility of the individual to seek treatment in order to reduce risks to themselves and their community.  

Will treatment work? Am I doomed to commit and act of sexual violence against a child or teen?

There is a pervasive myth in American culture that pedophiles and consumers of child pornography do not benefit from treatment. Current research supports the notion that treatment can help sufferers reduce their unwanted behaviors and urges as well as improve their mental well-being.

Not everyone who is attracted to children becomes a sex offender. In fact, there are vast online and real-life communities of individuals who choose to tackle their sexual attraction to children through treatment and support structures, versus risk harming a child. To learn more about these communities and to read personal stories about recovery, visit https://www.virped.org/

Is it safe for me to talk to a therapist about this?

The fear of being judged or reported to the authorities keeps many sufferers from seeking the treatment they need. While laws vary from state to state, in North Carolina, psychotherapists are not mandated to report clients who disclose viewing of child pornography. In fact, our professional licenses require us to maintain the privacy and confidentiality of our clients, with the following exceptions:

  • You report that you intend to do harm to yourself or someone else.
  • You provide written and informed (meaning you know exactly what information will be disclosed, to whom, and for what purpose) to release information.

If you seek treatment outside of North Carolina, take the time to familiarize yourself with the legal statutes surrounding mandated reporting by mental health professionals. Alternatively, you can always contact a local provider directly to ask about mandated reporting requirements before disclosing any specific information.

What will treatment look like?

Treatment typically involves reducing risk factors including stress, social isolation, and substance abuse, as well as developing healthy outlets for intense emotions. You may spend time in treatment addressing traumatic experiences in your past or exploring unhelpful patterns in thoughts and behaviors. Your therapist may refer you to a medical provider to explore pharmacological interventions (drugs to reduce symptoms of PTSD, OCD, or other contributing conditions or to reduce intensity of sexual urges).

What do I do next?

If you live in or near the Durham NC area, Bull City Psychotherapy offers services for individuals who have not committed “hands-on” offenses against children but are seeking help to stop viewing child pornography.

At Bull City Psychotherapy, we specialize in the treatment of sexual disorders, including pedophilia (for non-offenders) and sex or pornography addiction. We understand that seeking treatment takes courage and we strive to provide our clients with the respectful and compassionate treatment they deserve.

Lara Markovits Therapist

To schedule an appointment with Lara, please call the office at (919) 382-0288 or her direct line at (919) 884-7836, or email at Lara@bullcitypsychotherapy.com.

Lara is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) specializing in working with clients who struggle with unwanted behaviors and compulsions, including pornography and/or sex addiction, pedophilia, and self-harm. Lara is also trained and experienced in trauma work. Lara’s approach is heavily influenced by her training in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), which teaches clients how to fully experience their emotions and manage behaviors through coping skills.

Pesto Shrimp and Pesto Fettuccine Recipe

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pesto shrimp and pesto fettuccine Kim Shackelford Bull City Psychotherapy

The holiday season is among us, so here is a delicious and healthy recipe to share with your family and friends! Find more nutritious recipes from our nutritionist, Kim Shackelford, in her 90 Day Meal Plan Ebook

Ingredients:
2 dozen sustainably harvested wild shrimp
4 zucchini or yellow squash
Sea salt and black pepper (to taste)
Pesto:
3/4 cup Macadamia nuts
1 bunch cilantro
3 clove garlic
1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil
Sea salt and black pepper

Directions:
1. Make the pesto first.
Combine the Macadamia nuts, cilantro, garlic, extra virgin olive oil, sea salt and pepper in a food processor and blend until smooth.

2. Peel the shrimp. Place in a steamer basket in a large saucepan and boil and inch of water. While the water is heating run a julienne peeler along the side of each zucchini (or use zucchini noodler). Steam the zucchini for about 3 to 5 min. and set aside.

3. Steam the shrimp for 3 to 5 min. until pink all the way through.

4. Place the steamed zucchini in a mixing bowl with the pesto and toss until covered. Add and subtract based on the consistency that you want!  Top the noodles with shrimp and serve.

Kim is a Nutritional Therapy Practitioner, Certified GAPS and Restorative Wellness Practitioner. She develops bio individual nutrition and supplementation protocols to support optimal health, weight loss and deficiencies that create symptoms, imbalances, and disease.  She utilizes a natural foundational approach to rebuilding health, which includes high-performance foods and resources to fuel a sustainable shift in your life for permanent results.

For a more comprehensive view of her work, visit: www.kimshackleford.com

If you would like to schedule an appointment with Kim, please call her cell phone at 919-427-5946 or Bull City Psychotherapy at 919-382-0288. Or you can e-mail her at kim@bullcitypsychotherapy.com

Kim Shackleford Nutritionist with Bull City Psychotherapy

Are you wasting half your joy?

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How to get the most out of your experiences (and life).

Joy anticipation Bull City Psychotherapy Matt Kreiner Sophia Caudle

Quick hits

  • The anticipation can be almost as great as the thing itself
  • You are missing out on joy and pleasure if you do not appreciate and reflect on things
  • We become wired to overlook the positives in our lives.  Fight this.
  • Here are 3 things you should do to enjoy your life more today. 

Here’s the thing – we’re wasting so much pleasure.  Most of us grind through our weeks and find a couple of highlights to enjoy.  Some quality time with someone we love, a cheat meal, etc.  Whatever those moments of happiness are, we usually confine them to the moments themselves – and this, dear reader, is the heartbreaking part:  we’re leaving 60% of our pleasure on the table. 

For the sake of this conversation let’s agree on the following math:  30% of our pleasure comes from anticipation, 40% comes from the event itself, and 30% of our pleasure comes from reflection, otherwise known as the back 30. 

Anticipation

Before I focus on the main point of this post (the back 30) I want to focus on anticipation.  There have been many studies that indicate anticipation can be almost as pleasurable as the thing itself.  I like this article for describing the phenomenon.

The main idea here is that if you intentionally look forward to something, for example a vacation, you can deepen the richness of the experience by reading up on the location, watching movies that feature the location, making a playlist to go with the trip, planning your outfits, planning your meals, etc.  Looking forward to the trip can be almost as fun as experiencing it all. 

The back 30%: Active Reflection

So, you spent all this time training for your 5k.  You researched a training plan, bought some running gear, picked a race, trained like crazy, and crushed it!  What an experience!  The training was liberating.  You did things you weren’t sure you could do.  You pushed through pain.  The energy on race day was unlike anything you’ve been a part of before.  The pride immediately after was special. 

Then what?  Did you let the experience die there?  Did you immediately start planning the next one? If so, you left 30% of your joy on the table. 

You accomplished something wonderful!  Take a little bit of time to acknowledge that!  Think about a way that’s meaningful to you and soak up that back 30! Maybe it’s a great steak dinner with dessert.  Maybe it’s a framed case for your certificate and medal.  Maybe it’s a thank you note to your partner for watching the kids all those hours you were out slogging through training runs.  Whatever it is –this reflective activity will deepen the richness of your experience and help you tap in to that back 30% of joy to be had. 

Here are some more ideas and suggestions:

A Shutterfly/memory book to finally organize those pictures from that great vacation

A thank you note to a friend/family member/parent who helped you with that favor – tell them what it really meant to you and what it allowed you to accomplish.

A new portfolio, brief case, or outfit in honor of that new job you got last year.

If you’re not sure where to start, make an “Accomplishments in the Last Year” list.  Our weekly routines wire us to forget all the great things we’ve done so we can move on to whatever is next on the list.  Take a break.  Take a breath.  Intentionally reflect on how great you are and how much pleasure you are forbidding yourself to experience by moving on so quickly. 

This week

Pick 1 thing from your past and brainstorm how to tap into the back 30% of joy you left sitting on the table.

Pick 1 thing you did today that you did not fully relish.  What can you do right now to get the most out of that experience?

Pick 1 thing you’ll do this week.  What is something you will intentionally do to make sure you don’t waste the back 30?

Take stock of how rich these experiences become and how your pleasure deepens as you tap in to this reflective gratitude.  I’m going to go reward myself for writing such a phenomenal blog post. 

All the best as you make your progress,
Matt

Joy anticipation Bull City Psychotherapy Matt Kreiner Sophia Caudle

Acupuncture For Weight Loss

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acupuncture for weight loss Dr. Geng Wu Chinese medicine Bull City Psychotherapy

We understand that losing weight is a struggle that can be a long and frustrating process. Bull City Psychotherapy can help you to achieve your weight loss goals with acupuncture and Chinese herbs.

First, we have a specific technique designed to relieve your stress, help you safely shed unwanted pounds, improve your physique, enhance metabolism, and excrete unnecessary moisture from the body.

According to Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), most overweight is related to unbalanced metabolism, caused by malfunctioning of the spleen and liver systems.

In five element theory in TCM, the spleen is for the proper functioning of the digestive system, deficiency of the spleen Qi will have symptoms such as fatigue, slow metabolism, water retention, loose stool and feeling of heaviness. Many people with fat on belly are all for this reason. Use acupuncture or moxibustion to stimulate the acupoints along the stomach meridian and spleen meridian, to improve the function of spleen and stomach and to promote metabolism and reduce abdominal fat.

The liver’s job is to keep the flow of organ’s Qi and blood running smoothly. Stagnation of the liver Qi will have emotion problems, make the function of the whole digestive system poorly and can be some of the triggers to lead to cravings and overeating. By stimulating the acupoints of the liver meridian, make the flow of qi and blood smoothly, and the effect of detoxification and detoxification is achieved.

Ear acupoints are specific points of diagnosis and treatment on the external ear, and corresponding to the internal organs of the human body. We can also use ear acupressure to maintain the stimulation of the therapeutic effects between your visits.

And finally, our customized herb formulas enhance your organ functions and improve overall health, helping you look and feel your best.

Dr. Geng Wu, with a Diploma of Oriental Medicine (NCCAOM), is licensed by the state to practice in North Carolina. M.D. (China). Dr. Wu graduated from Beijing University of the Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), the best six-year full-time TCM program in China. She practiced and taught as a chief doctor in the affiliated hospital of Beijing University of TCM. As a counselor and instructor, Dr. Wu practiced and taught TCM for nearly 16 years in Japan.  Providing treatment and relief for specialties such as, pain management, sport injuries, GYN diseases, infertility, menopause symptoms and problems, weight loss, auto-immune and endocrine system disorders, stroke rehabilitation, hypertension, gastrointestinal disorders, low energy, fatigue, respiratory diseases, allergies, neurological and stress-related disorders, insomnia, addictions and skin problems

Dr. Wu published more than 50 professional articles. She is a member of China Association of Acupuncture and Moxibustion, and a member of the Chinese Medical Association.

If you would like to schedule an appointment with Geng, please call her at Bull City Psychotherapy at 919-382-0288, or you can e-mail her at geng@bullcitypsychotherapy.com