Betrayal trauma occurs when we are wounded by someone we have come to trust. When we put faith into another person to be there for us, especially to love us, our hearts and our minds come to recognize them as safe. They can be trusted with our feelings. When that trust is broken the pain can be devastating, and even traumatic.
But is it really trauma?
I work with many people who think trauma only happens when there is bloodshed. A car wreck, physical abuse, or a combat wound deserves the title of “trauma”. But can we experience trauma without a visible wound? The answer is unequivocally YES! According to our most recent Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders (DSM-5) post traumatic stress can affect people in 5 key ways:
- Life-threatening experiences (being scared for your life)
- Reliving events (having flashbacks, bad dreams, or intrusive thoughts)
- Avoidance (numbing out or avoiding people, places or things)
- Mood or cognitions (feeling more down, thinking more negatively, questioning your reality or intuition)
- Emotional arousal (mood swings, having big reactions to little triggers, having trouble controlling emotions)
There could be many reasons that you are experiencing this betrayal as traumatic. Starting at birth and persisting throughout the life-cycle, we are wired for connection. We generally experience people in our lives and put them in one of two categories. If we experience someone as safe, we deem them worthy of connection and we let them into our lives. If we experience someone as unsafe we stay guarded around them and do not let them in. If someone we’ve trusted as safe ends up betraying us, the response can be devastating and indeed traumatic.
You are not alone.
Most of the people I work with who have experienced betrayal by their intimate partner experience some or all of the above symptoms. If this sounds like you, you are not alone. I want to repeat that idea: if, as a result of being betrayed, you are having trouble regulating your emotions, you are responding to triggers in troubling ways, you are experiencing intrusive thoughts, you are numbing out or avoiding people or situations – you are not alone.
Even though you are not alone, betrayal trauma can be a lonely experience. Talking with other people, even close friends and family, can feel scary and complicated. Think about this scenario: you see a text or email and discover your partner’s betrayal. You’re bewildered, angry, and devastated. Maybe you confront them, or maybe you are still sorting through your options. But, who can you talk to about this? Your friends might tell you to leave your partner immediately, but can you do that? Will you be judged if you don’t? Your family might tell you to work through it, but are you up for that? Dealing with betrayal can be a lonely, isolating experience.
The bad news – betrayal trauma is real, and devastating.
The good news – there is hope and a plan for healing.
Recovery is possible.
We know how to help people recover from betrayal trauma – from the early confusing, overwhelming days of understanding what is happening to us, to redefining what we expect from our relationships, through building confidence in creating the lives we desire – there are tools and resources to help you on your journey. At Bull City Psychotherapy we facilitate 2 therapy groups each week for people dealing with betrayal trauma:
Wednesday: 6:00pm-7:30pm
Sunday 12:00pm-1:30pm
Sharing with and hearing from others who have experienced similar pain, while in the safety of a setting with a trained clinician, can do wonders for your healing. Group therapy is a gift to yourself that should not be missed.
In addition to our groups, our individual therapists have specialized training to help you work through this pain and create the life and relationships you desire. In individual therapy focused on your betrayal trauma you’ll learn to navigate the decisions that are specific to your experience and build a treatment plan designed specifically for your goals.
If you or someone you love has experienced betrayal trauma, please contact Bull City Psychotherapy at 919-382-0288. Your pain is real, and we’ll be honored to walk with you as you heal.