Author: Sophia Caudle

When It’s Not Okay to Talk

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Do you remember any of these phrases from your childhood?
“Quit being a baby!”
“Take it like a man!”
“Don’t upset me with your problems!”
“Don’t you know I’m too busy with your father/sister/brother to deal with you right now?”

It may have been inadvertent, but you got the message somewhere along the line that it’s not okay to
talk about unpleasant things. You may have grown up in a family where you felt like there wasn’t room
for you—for your emotions, your needs, your grief and sadness. You learned that it’s not okay to talk
about difficult issues, and so, you found self-soothing and relief in sex or porn or at the bottom of a
bottle. These things weren’t the same as a deep, loving connection with a human being, but they made
you feel good enough to get by. You couldn’t connect emotionally, so you found a substitute.

You did the best you knew how as a child, but now you recognize that the old pattern or addiction is
ruining your life. So, where do you begin at this point to function in a different way? How do you start
connecting? How do you find the courage to talk about painful stuff? If you’re dealing with an addiction,
individual therapy and group therapy can be great ways to learn how to manage your emotions, reduce
shame, and build healthy relationships. Particularly when it comes to sex and porn addiction, finding a
Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) is a must. A specially trained therapist and an addiction group
can jump start your healing and growth.

Reach out. Find a new way to connect. Learn that it’s okay to talk about it—in fact, it’s necessary to talk.
Know that there is room for you.

To schedule an appointment with Tim, please call his direct line at 919-533-7907. Or you can e-mail
him at tim@bullcitypsychotherapy.com.

Relationships – Thank your person in their language

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Quick Hits –
Think of someone important to you and ask them which of the following 5 actions they prefer:
Words of affirmation
Acts of service
Receiving gifts
Quality time
Physical touch

Think of 3 ideas that would fall in to their preferred category. Do the things!

Rationale:

This relationship wellness tip is based on the premise that you already understand how important it is to show gratitude to those closest to you.  If you haven’t internalized that yet, take breath and let it sink in.  Those closest to us impact us the most and get recognized the least – typically because we have gotten used to the routine that they will be there.  It’s human nature, and it’s healthy for us to fight that inclination to take them for granted.  Do so by thanking them for being in your life – but how?

Learn their language:

There is a well documented theory, developed and published by Gary Chapman, which posits that there are 5 primary love languages.  Read more about it here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/.

The idea is that individuals interpret things differently.  Something that might be hugely meaningful to you might go unnoticed by someone else.  The opposite is also true.

When you are reaching out to thank someone, or show affection, or appreciation, or any kind of love, you will make the maximum impact by doing so in their language.  It is common for us to communicate these emotions in our own languages – I’m suggesting you stop that right now.  Communicating in your language makes you feel good.  Communicating in their language makes them feel good.  Thanking someone, or showing affection, is not about you!  It’s that simple.

Below are the 5 languages that Chapman has presented along with a starting list of actions you can take to speak to your person in their language.  This is good stuff. It works for partners, friends, parents, siblings, and children alike.  Know the languages of the people in your life.  Make your own lists, and refer to them often.  They will thank you – and hopefully they do so in your language J

Words of affirmation – write a card, email, or even better sit down with them face to face and tell them what they mean to you, what they bring to your life, why you’re grateful for them.

Acts of service – What do they hate doing – laundry, yard work, bills, dishes, cooking?  Think about ways to make their life easier and then do the things!

Receiving gifts – Money is not the priority here.  The gesture and the thought behind it make the difference.  What is something you know they like – their morning coffee, new workout clothes, merchandise from their favorite show/musician/actor?  Get them a small something that communicates the message: “I know you like this, so I got it for you, because I like you.”

Quality time – this doesn’t have to cost any money.  Simply spend time with your person.  Typically the fewer screens (phones, tvs, etc) involved, the better.  Talk with them about things they find interesting.  It doesn’t have to be deep.  And you don’t have to like the same things as much as they do.  You’re doing it for them.  Do something with them that they like to do, and commit to it.  Twenty minutes of sincere attention from you can go a long way to making them feel your appreciation.

Physical touch – think about what is appropriate, then do it!  Maybe it’s a good solid hug.  Maybe it’s a foot rub. (Side note: my wife’s primary language is physical touch and I am still shocked at how much she appreciates a foot rub.)  Maybe it’s making time to make time like Dusty Springfield sang about.  Do what they will appreciate.

Whatever you choose, remember that IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU!

When Your Partner Won’t Go to Therapy

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What do you do when you’ve done all you can? Despite repeated promises to stop having affairs or talking in chat rooms or sexting with a coworker, your partner continues. There’s a pattern—what seems like an addiction. Your partner says, no, everything’s fine. Or that this is normal in a marriage, even though the two of you made a commitment to be exclusive. If your partner refuses to go to therapy, what do you? What’s the next step?

The next step is to begin with yourself. I know that statement may sound strange or blaming, but that’s not the intent. You can’t force your partner to change; you can only change yourself. And the best next step at this point is to stop pressuring your partner into therapy, and instead find your own therapist. You need someone with the right training who can help you think through the options—to help you understand boundaries and accountability and addiction. If you’re having trouble setting boundaries, the therapist can help you look at why it’s difficult for you. Boundaries can be complicated. Besides, you can really miss important opportunities if you don’t have the right person to assist you in thinking things through.

For example, suppose you give your partner an ultimatum that he must attend 12-step group meetings every day for a month. It sounds reasonable enough, but you may have just inadvertently shot yourself in the foot. What’s going to happen? Well, after a month of attending meetings, the partner may very well say, “Okay, I did what you asked me to do. Now I’m done. And I’m not going back.” Or what if the partner attends 20 meetings but not the 30 meetings that you asked for? Are you really prepared to leave the relationship because work or family obligations interfered?

You see my point? The next step is most likely to begin with yourself. “Get thee to a therapist!” And if the partner’s problem has anything to do with sex and porn addiction, you definitely need a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT). Other therapists may be great with other issues, but most are not trained in sex addiction. Having the right therapist will make all the difference. I promise you.

At Bull City Psychotherapy, we would be honored to work with you and help you on your journey. Take the first step. Begin with yourself. Do it now.

To schedule an appointment with Tim, please call his direct line at 919-533-7907. Or you can e-mail him at tim@bullcitypsychotherapy.com.

Transgender: Really though, WTH does transgender mean?

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Quick Hits:

  • If you don’t know something, that doesn’t make you a bad person.
  • Anatomy, identity, expression, sexuality – are four distinct components of our lives that deal with gender.  
  • These four components, like most things in life, exist on a spectrum, which is to say, they are non-binary or have more than two possible outcomes.
  • To be transgender is defined by each individual, but basically refers to the extent to which a person’s gender identity, role, or expression is different from the cultural norms prescribed for people of a particular sex.  For example – a person could have the anatomy of a female but identify and/or express themselves in a way that is less feminine, or more masculine, than cultural norms.
  • Transgender / Gender nonconforming people have been around forever.  The way cultures have responded to them has changed. For example, indigenous cultures referred to GNC people as “Two Spirited”, and they were revered as healers and visionaries.
  • Gender nonconforming (GNC) folks are not dangerous.  Tragically, GNC folks are much more likely to be the targets of violent crimes than to be perpetrators.  

First off – not knowing something is nothing to be ashamed of.  If you’re confused about some aspect of identifying as transgender, there is nothing wrong with you!  This post is designed to help. My goal is to provide some basic factual information on this topic. My hope is that this information will help you be more comfortable and feel better informed when you interact with folks who identify as transgender, or gender nonconforming (GNC).  

Let’s dive in!

What helped me most as I was learning about gender non-conforming (GNC) folks was to understand that anatomy, identity, expression, and sexuality are different things.  So, let’s cover that real quick.

transgender Bull city psychotherapy sex addiction therapy

Anatomy – as humans, our anatomy develops in predictable ways. We are assigned a gender at birth based on our external sex organs (like a penis).  This can differ from our internal sex organs (like a uterus). It’s rare, but sometimes our internal and external sex organs do not align with the same gender.  This is called “ambiguous genitalia”. This is NOT the same thing as being transgender or GNC. Main point: there are more than two possible combinations of our gender anatomy, so the description is non-binary (has more than two possible outcomes), and our biological make-up is different from our expression, identity, and sexuality.  You can learn more about ambiguous genitalia here: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/ambiguous-genitalia/basics/definition/con-20026345

Identity – deep in our brains, in the same area that informs you that you love pizza and hate anchovies, this is where your identity lives.  It tells you what feels right. Our cultural norms tell us that men hold doors open and love football, but our brains tell us what feels right.  Maybe you love hitting things. Maybe you love ballet dancing. Your brain is informing your preference. Your culture is naming it with a gender.  The things your brain tells you to like may be more masculine or feminine when compared to cultural norms. I, for example, love football, hitting things, and steak, as much as I love musical theater, romantic comedies, and the color purple.  Main point: there are more than two possible combinations of our identities, so the description is non-binary (has more than two possible outcomes), and our identity is different than our anatomy, expression, and sexuality.

Expression – is completely external.  So far (with anatomy and identity) we’ve been discussing things that come from within our bodies.  Expression has everything to do with our external presentation to the world. Some of us prefer to wear baggy clothes.  Some prefer suits. Some prefer yoga pants. Some prefer make-up. Some prefer beards. Our expression can tell the world how we prefer to be seen.  Many times our preferences for gender expression conform with cultural norms. Sometimes they don’t. Main point: there are more than two possible combinations of gender expression, so the description is non-binary (has more than two possible outcomes), and is different than our anatomy, identity, and sexuality.  

Sexuality – this is who we love and who we want (or do not want) to have sex with.  As you may have guessed by now, these preferences live deep in our brains and are non-binary – or exist on a spectrum.  Some people are attracted to stereotypically masculine/feminine traits and only those traits. Some people like a little of this and a little of that.  The main point is that there are more than two combinations of sexuality, so the description is non-binary (has more than two possible outcomes), and is different than our anatomy, identity, and expression.  

Ok, so now we know what anatomy, identity, expression, and sexuality are in this conversation.  But, the question remains, WTH does it mean to be transgender?! Here’s the answer…

To be transgender most commonly means that your identity is not the same as your anatomy.  

An even better definition is that being transgender refers to the extent to which a person’s gender identity, role, or expression differs from the cultural norms prescribed for people of a particular sex.

However, there are two important points to consider when we are thinking about definitions.  

First, let a person tell you what they want to be called.  Just like you might prefer to be called “Italian” as opposed to “European”, we all have our own reactions to labels.  So, if you don’t know a person’s preference, simply ask, “what do you prefer to be called?” Another good question is, “what are your preferred gender pronouns?”  This will let you know if you should say “he/him/his” , “she/her/hers”, “they”, etc. when referring to this person.

Secondly, we’ve outlined four different components (anatomy, identity, expression, and sexuality) that deal with gender and established that each component exists on a spectrum (is non-binary).  So there are many, many combinations of ways these components could intersect for a person.

If you’re not sure what term to use, I suggest using the term “gender non-conforming” (GNC).  It respectfully covers the spectrums. Gender non-conformity (GNC) refers to the extent to which a person’s gender identity, role, or expression differs from the cultural norms prescribed for people of a particular sex.

Whew!  Now we know what “transgender” means!

I have one more important point I want to make on this topic.  It has to do with fear. You have interacted with many GNC folks without knowing it.  This fact may be confusing, and even scary, but this confusion and fear is a result of your natural reaction to that which is different – not factual human behavior.  Here’s what I mean…

GNC folks, as a population demographic, are less, not more, dangerous than just about any other demographic you could think of that deals with gender.    

In fact, recently (April 2016) the National Task Force to End Sexual and Domestic Violence Against Women, which is comprised of thousands of experts in the field, published a letter stating that GNC folks pose no inherent risk to others – particularly women.  You can read their statement here: http://4vawa.org/4vawa/2016/4/21/full-and-equal-access-for-the-transgender-community

Furthermore, of all the homicides in 2013 that were classified as hate crimes, 72% of the victims were transgender women – that likely means they were anatomically men who identified and/or expressed as feminine.  So, not only are GNC folks less likely to be violent, but they are more likely to be victims. These brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, and neighbors of ours are not to be feared. In fact, they have much more to fear than most of us.  

Final thought: Like anything else, when we find something to be confusing, our brain usually, automatically labels it as “less-than” and/or dangerous.  I am encouraging you to fight that urge. Fight that fear response. Rise above it. The fact is you’ve already interacted with many GNC folks – and they were pleasant, and respectful, and not scary.  Next time you get a chance to do so, be intentional about showing them the same love and respect you would anyone else. If you want to know something about them, respectfully ask them, just like you would anybody else.  The key term is “just like you would anybody else”. Asking “how do you prefer to be addressed?” or “how can I be a better ally to you?” are rooted in concern. Asking, “are you going to have the surgery?” or “does this make you gay?” are rooted in curiosity and are not questions you would typically ask of someone you just met.  Life is tough enough as it is. Let’s not let superficial differences make it tougher for ourselves or others. Please see the links below for more information.

transgender Bull city psychotherapy sex addiction therapySummary:

There’s nothing wrong with not knowing something.  Just be respectful with your questions.

Anatomy, identity, expression, and sexuality all exist on a spectrum (are non-binary) and are different from one another.

Being transgender or gender non-conforming (GNC) refers to the extent to which a person’s gender identity, role, or expression differs from the cultural norms prescribed for people of a particular sex.  

Individuals may prefer different terms to define their identities.  If you don’t know someone’s preference, simply ask, “how do you prefer to be addressed?”

GNC folks are not dangerous.  If you don’t believe me, just ask thousands of trained professionals working to protect women all over the country.  Their position is articulated here: http://4vawa.org/4vawa/2016/4/21/full-and-equal-access-for-the-transgender-community

GNC folks are a particularly vulnerable population as they are disproportionately targeted for hate crimes.  

Just like anyone else, GNC folks deserve our respect and love.

More information:

FAQ:  http://www.glaad.org/transgender/transfaq

The Genderbread Person (great resource!) – http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/genderbread-person/#sthash.5CiYYY2I.dpbs

World Professional Association for Transgender Health – www.wpath.org

Violence statistics: http://www.avp.org/storage/documents/ncavp_transhvfactsheet.pdf

Gender ambiguity: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/ambiguous-genitalia/basics/definition/con-20026345

Are you in good shape? How physical fitness and psychological fitness interact.

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Quick hits:

  • Our physical health and psychological health are linked
  • They respond similarly to our efforts to improve them
  • Consistency and accountability are required for progress
  • Professional advice saves you lots of trouble

Disclaimer: these comparisons are consistent for many folks based upon my personal and professional experience.  There are outliers for whom these ideas do not ring true. You should consult a licensed professional before beginning any training plan – physical, psychological, or otherwise.

One of the consistent metaphors I use in sessions is relating our psychological goals to our physical goals.  Many people starting psychological training (therapy/counseling) are not sure what to expect, but they have experienced some form of physical training.  Whether it was a community softball league, professional sports, or just working out at the gym, most folks can relate to setting and pursuing physical goals.  

There are many similarities between making physical progress and making psychological progress.  This post is intended to highlight these similarities in order to find a new ways to connect you to your psychological goals so you may feel more comfortable starting, continuing, and getting the most out of your training time.

Consistency is key:

You probably know the cliché, “you get out what you put in”.  Like most clichés, this one is rooted in truth for many situations.  If you spend one hour/week or four hours/month in the gym you may feel a little better, but you’re not likely to make much physical progress.  The same is true for your psychological health.

This means that if you spend one hour/week in session with your psychotherapist and do not put any more effort into your psychological growth, then you are not likely to see much progress.  You may have specific assignments between sessions. Or you may just take what you learn in session and reflect on it or practice it throughout your week. Whatever you do, it must be consistent in order for anything to change.  You don’t lose weight staring at the treadmill, and you don’t improve your psychological health by staring at your therapist.

Along these lines, our skills and muscles atrophy if we don’t use them.  If you have a great experience at the gym working regularly with your trainer for a few months you may feel great and make great progress!  But, if you stop going, you will lose that progress. The same works for much of our psychological work. If you work diligently to develop skills around cultivating healthy relationships and taking good care of your psychological wellness you will feel great!  But if you stop practicing these skills you will fall into your old patterns that may not serve you as well. This doesn’t mean you need to be in therapy forever, just as you don’t need a physical trainer forever. However, you will need to practice your healthy habits in either part of your life in order to maintain the benefits.  

 

Problem Areas Suck:

Whether it’s stubborn love handles or a stubborn love of booze, if we don’t address our problem areas they will not improve.  Getting physically fit is not a mystical process. We need to burn more calories than we take in to lose weight. We need to bend our muscles to stretch and strengthen them.  Getting psychologically fit is not magical either. We need to change our ways of thinking in order to change our behaviors. We need to change the ways we relate to others in order to change our relationships.  If you don’t lift weights you are not likely to get any stronger. If you don’t talk about your issues, they are not likely to improve.

Along these lines, while the work may be hard, it doesn’t have to make you miserable.  If you’re working with a physical trainer and you hate running, a good physical trainer will help you find ways to meet your goals that don’t involve running.  Similarly, a good psychotherapist will help facilitate your psychological progress with tools and strategies that don’t make you miserable.

 

Accountability:  

The greatest physical trainer in the world can’t burn the calories for you.  A good trainer can help you feel motivated and make the work more fun, but ultimately, you’re the one going to the gym and sweating.  

Similarly, the best psychotherapist in the world can’t talk you into a healthier life.  You will have to do the work – which will likely include showing up regularly, making an effort in between sessions, and being honest with yourself and your therapist.  

The good news here is that the process doesn’t have to last forever.  If you are new to working out for physical fitness a trainer can help you learn the basics and accomplish your first set of goals a matter of weeks or months.  Once you have a solid grasp on the fundamentals you may not need to continue working with them until you have new goals in mind.

This concept applies directly to your psychological goals and training as well.  Most folks are able to learn some fundamental skills and realize satisfying results in around ten weeks.  After that, they may choose to stay in therapy and work on new goals, or they may not. Either way, while our health is a lifelong process, working with a professional doesn’t need to be.  

One benefits the other:

With all of these similarities between working on our physical and psychological health, it’s no wonder that these two parts of our lives impact each other.  Simply put: working on your physical fitness will have a great impact on your psychological health, and working on your psychological health will have a great impact on your physical health.  

When you are more psychologically well you will be in touch with your true motivations that help you eat healthier and get you to the gym.  Being psychologically well makes you a better athlete. When you are physically well you feel better psychologically, are more aware of your thoughts and feelings, and are more willing to honestly explore them.  This synergy is a beautiful thing!

 

Work with a professional that works for you:

You will benefit from working with a licensed professional.  When it comes down to it, we can only get so far working on our own.  However, working with a physical trainer is a personal thing. You need to feel comfortable looking vulnerable and sharing your strengths and weaknesses with them.  This is hard! As human beings we click better with some folks than others.

The same thing is true for your psychological training.  It is vulnerable, challenging work, and you must feel comfortable with your therapist in order to make progress.  You are putting in effort and deserve to see results! Do not settle for a trainer or therapist that is not a good fit for you.  

 

The “Musts” of Psychological and Physical Progress:

  1. Consistency – you get out what you put in
  2. Accountability – if you don’t work on it, it will not change
  3. Professional Input – you can teach yourself a new skill, but a professional will save you lots of time and frustration

In summary, if you have goals around feeling better and improving your overall wellness, I encourage you to pay attention to both your mind and your body.  They may be more similar than you realize and working on one will certainly help the other. Use these three tips and you will be thrilled by how quickly and effectively your situation improves.  

All the best as you make your progress,

Matt

 

A Better Way To Recovery Than Thunder Road

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Okay, I admit it. I didn’t like it the first time I rode a roller coaster. It just wasn’t for me. I was a kid—maybe 12 years old—when I hopped aboard Thunder Road at Carowinds. The wooden roller coaster bumped along so jarringly that I thought my teeth were going to fall out. I “white-knuckled” it to hang on until the ride was over. A few years later, I found other roller coasters that I liked much better—ones that were faster but that weren’t so jarring.

Thunder Road has since been replaced by another ride, but some people experience the recovery process in much the same way. They white-knuckle it—holding on for dear life, thinking that if they can just muster up enough willpower, the bumpy ride of abstinence will quickly lead to success. But abstinence isn’t recovery. Stopping the behavior of an addiction is a good beginning, but if there isn’t genuine recovery, the familiar cravings will most likely come back. In 12-step groups, there is the old line about the chronic drinker, who says: “I can stop drinking anytime. In fact, I’ve stopped hundreds of times!”

What is true recovery? It can involve several facets, but put simply, it is doing the inner work. It is looking at our childhood and family-of-origin and seeing the patterns (or schemas) that we learned. For example, when you were a child, how did you learn to get what you wanted and needed? If you had an angry parent, did you learn to placate and be a people pleaser, or did you learn to withdraw and deny your feelings? Did you learn to do things as close to perfection as possible, or did you become ashamed of all your efforts?

These childhood patterns may be a bit daunting for us to look at, but if they are not addressed, we will continue repeating the same patterns as adults. We might rather avoid difficult emotions and challenging situations in our lives, but without learning to cope with them, we cannot experience true recovery. We must see the underlying emotional causes that perpetuate the addiction cycle.

White-knuckling it isn’t the answer. In the long run, you will save yourself and your loved ones much grief by doing the work of recovery and growth. Even better, you will find a richer, more fulfilling life when you seek a place of openness, authenticity, and resilience.

To schedule an appointment with Tim, please call his direct line at 919-533-7907. Or you can e-mail him at tim@bullcitypsychotherapy.com.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Daring Greatly

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The book “Daring Greatly:  How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead” is based on Dr. Brene Brown’s research.  Unfortunately for us, that research lead her to understand the importance of shame – and now we have to talk about it.

Ugh!  That sounds awful, right?  Shame is terrible, and uncomfortable and deserves to sit right where most of us put it – in the dark, neglected, ignored-as-much-as-possible places in our head and hearts.

Dr. Brown, or Brené  (as most of us super-fans call her), writes the following:  “I start every talk, article, and chapter on shame with the Same 1-2-3s, or the first three things that you need to know about shame, so you’ll keep listening:

1.) We all have it.  Shame is universal and one of the most primitive human emotions that we experience.  The only people who don’t experience shame lack the capacity for empathy and human connection.  Here’s your choice:  Fess up to experiencing shame or admit that you’re a sociopath.  Quick note:  This is the only time that shame seems like a good option.
2.) We’re all afraid to talk about shame.
3.) The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives.”

I want to focus on that third part, “The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives.”  Sit with that for a minute.  Take a few breaths while your brain holds that idea.  Think about how much power and control shame has over your life.

It is critically important to your health and growth to build your ability to acknowledge your shame.  Shame doesn’t just exist when we don’t talk about it – it grows.  It thrives in the dark.  It loves when you ignore it and act out of the fear and insecurity that shame generates.

The good news is, according to Brene’s research, and my own lived experience, shame has an antidote.  Shame shrivels and dies when we face it, name it, shine a light on it, and share it with people who are safe for us.  Shame can’t survive in the light.  And when it dies, we feel better, our behaviors change for the good, and our relationships deepen.

Shining a light on shame requires vulnerability.  I strongly recommend you read or listen to the book “Daring Greatly” to learn techniques for practicing vulnerability and facing your shame.  You can do this!  We can do this!

The journey of facing our shame is scary for all of us.  But we don’t have to do it alone.  And the healing that comes as a result of daring greatly, is too good to miss.  Go get yours!

Recovery…Like a Bull

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In recovery, especially the early stages of recovery, we have to work very, very hard. We can not let up at all, and it reminds me of the strength and persistence a bull has when he is trying to kick a bull rider off his back….the bull is working overtime to remove the weight that is making him feel unhappy, agitated, unsettled, and even angry. I’m wondering if that sounds like anyone who has worked in early recovery from an addiction or from recovering from a relationship. Yes, early recovery can feel very unpleasant at times, and it takes some time before we genuinely feel the authentic benefit of our hard work. However, the good news is that the harder we work at the beginning, the stronger the recovery foundation we have, and our recovery begins to build on itself and become this wondrous feeling of new-true self. Remembering the bull analogy, if we are strong, persistent, even bull-headed, about our recovery, and make it our number one priority, especially in early recovery, the long term benefits are great, and our relationships become better and healthier. So, if you are in recovery from anything….addiction, relationships, ambiguous grief, try making yourself and your Self Care Plan a priority, and do Recovery, Like a Bull.

Grit

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What is the one thing you want for your kids?  The single most important thing you want to instill in them?  The collective answers may vary some, but most parents would agree that, more than anything, we want to raise people that have the ability to be happy and healthy.  We want them to be able to create the lives they desire, to bounce back from adversity – we want them to have grit.  And let’s be honest – we want to be gritty too.

The term “grit” has been around a long time, but recently it has been defined in such a way as to be academically measured and researched.  Dr. Angela Duckworth has pioneered this work via her research in the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania.  She defines grit as “the passion and perseverance for long-term goals.”  She has studied grit in the context of West Point Cadets, world-class musicians and athletes, and K-12 students of all backgrounds.  While the field is evolving, the work thus far is important and academically sound.  It’s very cool stuff.  You can learn more here:  https://ppc.sas.upenn.edu/people/angela-duckworth

For the sake of this post, I want to focus on how we grow grit. Dr. Duckworth posits that, “If we want our children to have a shot at a productive and satisfying life, we adults should make it our concern to provide them with the two things all children deserve: challenges to exceed what they were able to do yesterday and the support that makes that growth possible.”

It boils down to challenges and support.  We need to experience age-appropriate challenges.  And we need to feel the feeling of gradually and regularly overcoming those challenges.  We need to know what it feels like to practice something that is hard, and then feel it become a little easier the next day.  We need to develop a growth mindset – where failure is a cue to try a different way, rather than a cue to get frustrated and give up.  We cultivate these good habits in an environment where we are supported to try things, fail, and try again.

As an individual, be someone who seeks these experiences.  Try, fail, smile, and try again.  As a parent, partner, or friend, be someone who cultivates these experiences for others.  Provide your children with age-appropriate challenges.  Help them know what focused practice feels like.  Help them learn that failure is a cue to try again.  Challenge is healthy when we are supported to grow through it.  These skills we learn in childhood serve us well our entire lives.

I strongly encourage you to read the book itself, because there are so many important considerations about these principles and how they apply to our lives.  You can learn more here: http://angeladuckworth.com/

ACTIONABLE NEXT STEPS:

Think of a challenge that is age-appropriate for your kiddo (or yourself) like practicing piano, soccer, spelling, yoga, Spanish, etc.

Work with them to commit to practicing that challenge for an appropriate amount of time.  (Here are examples to start with.  Tweak as you see fit.)

Ages 5-8 = 10mins/day; 3 days/week for 2 months
Ages 8-10 = 30mins/day; 3 days/week for 6 months
Ages 10-14 = 1hr/day; 3 days/week for 9 months
Ages 15-18 = 1hr/day; 3 days/week for a year or more

When it gets hard, provide the support they need to stick with it.

When they feel a difficult task getting easier, celebrate that progress!

When they’ve mastered the task or goal, pick another one and do it again.

Go forth!  Try! Fail! Try again!  Practice!  Support your people through adversity!  Be gritty and get grittier!

grit bull city psychotherapy matt kreiner

Grief – a process to be shared

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Quick hits:

  • There’s no exact “right” way to grieve.
  • Give yourself a chance to recognize what you need.
  • Talk to someone about it!  
  • Grief is a human experience and you are never alone.

Like so many processes of the mind grief is filled with nuance.  

There’s no right way or timeline to grieve.  Some folks feel their grief has been processed in a matter of days.  For others it can take years. There are those who may take years before they can really begin to grieve.  All of these timelines are legitimate, valid, and understandable.

This spectrum of experience with grief can make it a challenging topic to study and discuss.  I won’t purport to have it all figured out. In my experience there are very few reliable do’s and don’ts that work for most people.  For every practice I’ve seen help someone, I could think of someone who found the opposite to be helpful.

That said, here are some guidelines that I have seen do the most good for the most folks.  Whether it’s you, or someone you love, understanding these three ideas may help with the grieving process. 

1.Give yourself the space and grace to do what you need.
Grief is personal.  Listen to what your body, mind, heart, and gut are telling you. Maybe you need a day off.  Maybe you need to stay busy. Of course there could be negative consequences for over-indulging in any one behavior – like isolating too much or staying too busy for too long so as to suppress and neglect your process.  But I have observed that tapping in to this self-awareness can be very good for us and helpful in your process. Be intentional about checking in with yourself. Spend some time reflecting on what you need in order to honor your grief and your process.  Listen to yourself. Grief is personal.

2. Try not to judge yourself.
You’ve been through something that warrants grief.  This process will be challenging enough. Try not to judge yourself for not grieving right.  Feeling things like, “should I be feeling more than this?” or “why am I taking this so hard?” can be counterproductive.  If you do find yourself doing this, try to give yourself some grace and space to relax and acknowledge the feelings as part of your process.  

Dr. Brené Brown tackles this idea of judgment as it relates to grief in her book Rising Strong.  She uses some relatable examples to help us understand that our capacity for compassion, for ourselves and others, is not finite and does not take away from our other abilities.  

Brene Brown, Rising Strong p. 8-9

Comparative suffering is a function of fear and scarcity.  Fear and scarcity immediately trigger comparison. My husband died and that grief is worse than your grief over an empty nest.  I’m not allowed to feel disappointed about being passed over for a promotion when my friend just found out that his wife has cancer.  You’re feeling shame for forgetting your son’s school play? Please – that is a first world problem. There are people dying of starvation every minute.  

The opposite of scarcity is not abundance; the opposite of scarcity is simply enough.  Empathy is not a pizza with eight slices. When you practice empathy and compassion with someone, there is not less of these qualities to go around.  There’s more.

Love is the last thing we need to ration in this world.  

The refugee in Syria doesn’t benefit more if you conserve your kindness only for her and withhold it from your neighbor who is struggling through a divorce.  Yes, perspective is critical. But I’m a firm believer that complaining is okay as long as we piss and moan with a little perspective. Hurt is hurt, and every time we honor our own struggle and the struggles of others by responding with empathy and compassion, the healing that results affects all of us.”

3.Talk to someone!
Yes – reflective time alone with your thoughts or with your higher power can be helpful.  However, prolonged isolation is almost always unhealthy. Grief is part of the human experience.  It is meant to be shared. Your pain may be unique, but you are not alone. Others have walked a similar path, and others are willing to walk with you.  Find people in your life to lean on, and if they’re not available, then reach out to a counselor. They will provide a safe place to be your partner through this difficult time.   You don’t need fixed. You’re not broken. What we need when we’re grieving is for someone to sit in the pain with us until it lessens a little bit. Your pain is real, and healing through it is a process.  Progress happens when you share it.

Lastly, as complex as it is, we do have a substantial amount of research and resources available related to grief.  For a nice summary of the stages of grief and loss, as popularly defined by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, as well as resources related to grief, here is a helpful site:

http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

All the best to you as you make your progress,

Matt

To schedule an appointment with Matt, please call the office at (919) 382-0288 or Matt’s direct line is (919) 794-5490, or email at matt@bullcitypsychotherapy.com.