Author: Sophia Caudle

Ambiguous Grief During the Covid Pandemic

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covid grief bull city psychotherapy

The Covid-19 Pandemic has really forced many of us to feel grief due to all kinds of triggers. Grief is a feeling most commonly associated with the death of a loved one, however there are several other important types of grief for us to be aware of, if we want to increase our self awareness and be able to care for ourselves emotionally.

Ambiguous Grief is defined as the loss of someone who is still living, the loss of a relationship, and/or the awareness of losing something we have had, or never had, such as a safe childhood, (Caudle, 2018). The Covid pandemic has created not only much too much traditional grief of losing loved ones to Covid, but also countless scenarios of ambiguous grief due to our changing way of life.

The most impactful change in our world during this time, has been the necessity of social or physical distancing in order not to spread Covid. The isolation of physical distancing has created a sense of deep loneliness for many people. Our brains are hard-wired to connect with others, and for many, this connection needs to happen in person, rather than via technology. Depression, anxiety, addictions, other mental health issues have increased for many people during this time, due to not getting enough connection in the ways that work for them. I prefer to use the term ‘physical distancing’ rather than social distancing, because what we are really doing is disconnecting physically from those whom we do not other wise live with; we do not have to disconnect socially, in fact, we are encouraged to connect socially in safe ways, such as via Zoom, facebook, facetime, safe outdoor connects, etc. In fact, social connections are important now more than ever, because we are not having regular daily connections with others.

If we look deeply, we have been grieving for our former way of life these past few months, because our way of moving through the world has been drastically changed. We are not socializing in person as much, we are not working in offices with others, our kids are not attending school in person, public places to assemble, such as places of worship, parks, and restaurants have been closed, etc., the list goes on. The ambiguous grief of no longer having daily connections with others is something very real to be acknowledged, honored, and felt.

Grief is a very common feeling that oftentimes gets overlooked, and it seems to be at the foundation of much of what we oftentimes suffer, such as anxiety, depression, addiction, etc. When we have deep Grief Awareness, we have a connection to the very deepest parts of ourselves and what experiences and feelings cause us so much pain. When we have grief awareness and effective grief processing tools, we have the power to honor our grief, feel it, and move forward.

Stay tuned for more posts about Ambiguous Grief During Covid.

To be a part of Dr. Caudle’s Grief Workshops, please email her at Sophia@bullcitypsychotherapy.com or call 919-382-0288.

The Importance of Staying Connected During Physical Distancing of the Coronavirus

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We all understand that we need to physically distance ourselves from others during this time, due to the Coronavirus. The physical distance between us will hopefully prevent mass exposure, but keeping our distance from one another can also leave us feeling isolated, alone, lonely, and depressed. This is why it is so important that we are conscious and purposeful about connecting with others, especially during this very stressful time.

Our brains are hard-wired to connect. We are social beings. So, let’s find creative ways to connect during this physical distancing. If you are at home with your family, there are lots of ways we can create connection. If you have kids of any age, playing board games, card games, or other game room activities, if you have them, like pool or ping-pong, are all great ways to spend time together. Video games are fine too, but face to face connection is best for connection, when possible.

Taking walks, bike rides, and hikes are also nice for connecting, getting some exercise, and having a change of scenery away from the inside of our homes. If you have a dog, maybe you can add an extra walk per day and walk with a friend and his/her dog. If you have cats, or other fur babies, get some extra hugs and playtime in with them, so you can feed your soul while giving your pets the love they need.

Other activities are making music together or listening to music, making videos, taking virtual tours, for example, to a zoo or art museum, and also playing in the yard. Speaking of yards, this is a great chance to get caught up on weeding the yard, tending to a garden, or better yet, building a home garden! More outdoor fun includes having picnics together and watching the sunsets.

This is also a perfect opportunity to introduce meditation to your kids by turning on your favorite meditation app and laying on the floor and either invite your kids or let them join in naturally, whichever happens first☺

Technology: Tech is our Friend! Now more than ever connect via your tech….cell phones, computer, gaming, anything that connects you to others is exactly what we need to do. Many people can only communicate and check on each other through technology right now, so call each other, text, email, schedule Facetime, schedule Zoom meetings, Facebook, Instagram, or any other meeting platform that works for you. Staying connected at work is very important as well. Not only do we want to continue to foster healthy relationships at work, but for many of us, work still needs to happen even if we don’t go into our office, and meetings can still take place via tech, so we can be productive if our job allows it.

Intimate Relationships:

In our intimate relationship there are several purposeful ways we can create connection. First, everything above is great for couples too. Adding to those, if date night at a restaurant is not possible, plan a night to cook dinner together or get take out and make the dinner experience special in some way, maybe by sitting in your fancy dining room or having a fun indoor/outdoor picnic. Nail salons and massage therapists are also likely to be closed right now, so giving each other foot massages and/or full body massages not only is great intimate connection, but also an effective way to reduce tension and stress.

Meditating and/or praying together is a very important connecting activity as well. Meeting with your partner in a place of spirituality will deepen your connection.

Eye gazing is also a way we can create connection. Eye gazing can create an ‘electric charge’ and help couples reconnect, when they have been disconnected for many years. Eye gazing also is an important component of Encounter Centered Couples Therapy (ECCT), a highly effective and connecting couples therapy. If you’d like to learn ECCT and begin your connecting journey, contact me at 919-382-0288 or Sophia@bullcitypsychotherapy.com
We can learn ECCT via teletherapy too.

Included is a slide of the 8 Types of Intimacy…..Sex is just one type! So, there are
many ways to know our partner and be intimate together. All of these can be accomplished while we are practicing physical distancing….as long as partners are physically healthy☺

8 types of intimacy, bull city psychotherapy

Reframing Goal Setting in Your 2020 Vision

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Happy New Year Everyone! I believe that 2020 can be a successful year for us all! ‘How can she have such high aspirations?’ you might be asking yourself…..Well, it’s because I have a sure way that each of us can accomplish parts, if not, all of our entire goals for 2020.

The secret to goal achievement is in creating mini goals specifically directed at our long-term goals.

The way that I do this is to ‘dream’ where I want to take my life, then I back up and envision the ideal path that I need to take to get there. My dreams become a version of my goals and my visioning path become my mini goals.

This has been such an effective plan for me that regardless of the overall outcome, if I am achieving some of my mini goals, positive movement forward is still happening. So, even if I don’t ever achieve my final dream goal, I am making significant headway in my life’s overall dream direction, and I am still making positive changes, moving forward, feeling accomplished and gaining confidence, etc. Also, if I do attain my dream goal, then it’s a win-win, because not only am I fulfilling a dream, I have also made several improvements along the way that will likely effect me positively in several areas of my life.

Let’s look at a simple example. One of my goals this year is to shave off 4-5 points from my golf handicap. This is all fine and good,however it is doomed for an epic fail, if I do not clearly define the path I need to follow in order to reduce my handicap.

So, my next step is to create a path, or mini goals, to my long-term goal. In this case, I decide that if I put a golf club in my hands at least twice a week, then that will help me achieve my goal. So, putting a golf club in my hand twice a week is now my focus. I can either go to the driving range, practice chipping in my back yard, or putt inside my house. This little mini goal is probably something I can fit into my schedule. My hope is that this mini goal will transfer into my long-term goal several months from now, and my handicap will decline.

And, another way I make this work for me is that practicing golf is also being added to my Focused Self-Care Plan. What is a Focused Self-Care Plan? A FSCP is a plan that includes everything I need to do in order to show up in this life as My Best Self. The way I create a FSCP is to have the non-negotiables at the beginning of the plan, then towards the end I add things like hobbies or activities that help me feel contented in my ‘inner child’ self, which helps me feel happy in my adult ‘real’ life. So, for my golf goal, I can actually add golf at the end of my self care plan as a hobby that helps me stay centered in the overall balance of my life.

Here’s to a healthy, safe, and focused 2020!

The Power of Original Grief

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original grief

Original grief that is not processed can be a powerful force that keeps us locked in negative thinking patterns. Conversely, the awareness of our original grief can be the key that unlocks the path to move through our grief, so we can live unburdened by the pain of the past and in the fullness of the present moment.

First, it would be helpful to share a common definition of original grief.

Original grief is our deepest feeling of intense sadness due to the most significant loss we experienced, usually in childhood. ©

Original grief presents differently for everyone, but there are a few commonalities to look for when trying to identify your original grief. First, look to your childhood and make a list of the pain and/or rejection you can recall. For instance, trauma, abuse, abandonment, fear, the witnessing of others in the aforementioned situations, not feeling loved, safe, or important, and growing up with other circumstances of dysfunction such as addiction or mental illness, can all create a very deep sense of original grief. Those are examples of the more overt types of the origins of grief. However, original grief can also be born in seemingly functional families, where emotions may not have been fully expressed or modeled, relationships may have been surface oriented and lacked authenticity, or physical affection was not common in the family. All of these examples of childhood experiences can create a sense of original grief. Obvious trauma and abuse, quiet neglect and emotional inhibition can all result in a child growing up to feel, ‘I am not OK as I am’ or ‘It’s my fault’, which can be how original grief ‘sounds’ in our minds.

When we feel original grief as children, it usually creates very negative self talk that can lead to various unhealthy thought patterns.. This self talk can be very quiet and become internalized, especially if it starts when we are young. If we have negative habitual thought patterns , it is easy to see how we will likely make negative choices and also likely feel negative feelings, such as anger, sadness, loneliness, shame, etc. As we get older, if our original grief has not been identified and processed, there are some common ways we can respond, some examples are anxiety, depression, addiction, codependency, or repeating what we were taught.

The significance of original grief can remain unnoticed for many years. This is called grief denial. Plenty of adults can recall their original grief and believe that just because they are still alive and moving forward, they ‘beat’ their childhood experience, and ‘it’s not going to hold me back’. Sometimes adults even become the opposite of their family of origin as a way to prove to themselves that ‘I am ok’.  Also, sometimes adults remain in denial by telling themselves, ‘things were not so bad’, or ‘They did the best they could’.  However it sounds, grief denial can keep us stuck, never truly healing, or feeling worthy.

Conversely, when we become consciously aware of our original grief, we can then do the hard work of digging deep and truly understanding how our experience affected us, then feel and heal the old wounds that hold us captive in the ways we responded. This deep work is not about blaming our parents or caregivers, nor is it about making excuses for our choices, rather this deep work is all about healing and moving forward in a authentic and fully conscious manner. Original grief is a layer under trauma. After trauma is reprocessed, original grief is still there to feel, process, and move through. If original grief remains unprocessed, it can reactivate trauma, so this is an important step in the healing process. For example, the little child who was abused must receive effective trauma treatment at some point. Then, when there are no more symptoms of trauma, the specific original grief can be identified, felt, processed, and moved through. In this instance, the original grief of trauma might be the loss of a safe childhood. This knowledge of a safe and innocent childhood being stolen away can be utilized as a powerful tool in the overall healing process. The processing of original grief can be the work that frees us from habitual negative self talk and repeating unhealthy behaviors.

To find out more about Original Grief© contact Dr. Sophia Caudle at Sophia@bullcitypsychotherapy.com.

Breathe, baby, breathe

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breathing bull city psychotherapy

A daily breathing practice is proven to be good for your mind and body.
Navy SEALS, Buddhist monks, and titans of all industries do it – you should too.
It will improve your focus, discipline, mood, stress level, coping skills, relationships,
and basically your whole life in less than 5 minutes per day! (seriously).
Read on for the 4 reasons you should have a daily breathing practice and 4 tips to
get you started.

Breathe. No really, take 5 seconds and take a deep full breath in and out. Now take
another one. Just take one more even bigger one. Congratulations. You have just
started your daily breathing practice!

I know, I know – you’re thinking, “but Matt, honestly, I’m an excellent breather. I do
it all the time, and I’m really quite good at it.”

I agree, you do it all the time, but the odds are, you’re terrible at it right now. But
don’t worry, you’ll be great soon. It will feel weird for a couple days, but it will be so
worth it. Stay with me.

The benefits of a daily breathing practice are well documented. Yes, of course, we
all breathe all the time. It’s a requirement for all carbon-based lifeforms. However,
a daily breathing PRACTICE is different from the second to second maintenance
performed by our autonomic nervous system.

The benefits:

A wide variety of studies have shown that a daily breathing practice will improve
your focus, discipline, mood, stress level, coping skills, relationships, and basically
your whole life. Here are some articles that document the benefits of controlled
breathing. They document how a daily controlled breathing practice will improve
your life and describe how these practices are implemented by Navy SEALS,
Buddhist monks, and titans of all industries. If it’s good for them, it’s good for us.

https://mobile.nytimes.com/2016/11/09/well/mind/breathe-exhale-repeat-the-
benefits-of-controlled-breathing.html?_r=3&referer=http%3A%2F%2Fm.facebook.com%2F

http://examinedexistence.com/the-navy-seal-breathing-technique-to-calm-down/
Homepage

Here are the highlights:

First – taking some control over your heart rate is excellent for your physical and
psychological health. Physically it improves the function of the parasympathetic
branch of the nervous system, which can slow heart rate and digestion and promote
feelings of calm as well as the sympathetic system, which controls the release of
stress hormones like cortisol.

Second – there are immediate benefits: controlled breathing can get you through
tough times. Yes, it will help you in times of crisis, like when you’re in a fender
bender on the highway. It will also help you when you’re being challenged in a
situation at home or at work. The sense of calm it gives you in these moments
enables you to think more clearly, more critically, and leads you to much better
outcomes in each given situation.

Third – there are delayed benefits: most practitioners report delayed benefits
throughout the day and in the days following their practice that include decreased
stress, increased capacity to handle stress, improved coping skills, improved peace
of mind. Who doesn’t need this?!

Fourth – It’s so accessible. Anyone can do this! This practice is so good for you it
feels like it should be expensive, time consuming, and difficult, but it’s actually none
of these things. It’s just new to most of us. A daily breathing practice can take less
than five minutes to reap major benefits. This is meditation for people who can’t
meditate.

DO YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES EACH DAY TO DEDICATE TO YOUR MENTAL AND
PHYSICAL HEALTH?
If the answer is “YES”, then keep reading for tips on continuing your daily practice.
Remember, you already started in the first paragraph of this post.
Essential elements of a daily breathing practice:
It must be regular – you must find a way to do this most days of a given week.
It must be focused – you should not be doing this while you’re doing something else.
That’s it.

Tips to get the most out of your daily breathing practice:
Find a comfortable place to do this. Your bed, shower, and toilet are all great places
to do some daily focused breathing. As long as you can get there regularly and be
focused – with no distractions – the location will be great.

Have a pre-routine. Do something like an environment check and a body check
before you start. This can take thirty seconds or less. Ask yourself – am I safe here?
Am I unlikely to get interrupted here? Am I comfortable here? Are my (shoulders,
neck, tongue, hands, feet, etc.) tensed or stressed?

Set a goal, like 15 breaths to start. Begin taking deep comfortable breaths and try to
focus only on your breath coming in and out of your body.

Other thoughts will enter your mind. That is ok. Notice them. DO NOT JUDGE
THEM. Then let them leave your mind. Get back to counting your breaths.
Once you get to 15 breaths, take 1 more and think about how great you are for
taking two minutes for yourself. You just improved your life. Go you!
As this gets easier, try increasing the number of breaths or the time you are
spending breathing deeply while being aware of your thoughts and NOT JUDGING
THEM.

Try this daily for two weeks. If you’re not impressed with the results then let me
know. I maintain a daily breathing practice and it keeps me in great shape to
receive your constructive feedback.

Here’s a link to some more mindfulness exercise options if breathing is getting
boring for you: http://www.pocketmindfulness.com/6-mindfulness-exercises-you-
can-try-today/

You’ve got nothing to lose and a lot to gain. If you’re ever in trouble, remember the
3 B’s of good health – breathe, baby, breathe!

After the Affair: To Stay or To Leave?

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Was Hillary Clinton wrong for staying with her husband, Bill, after yet another affair—this time with a White House intern? Personally, I don’t think it’s anybody’s business what she chose to do, but as a public figure, Ms. Clinton was the object of much gossip. In past generations, there was pressure to stay in the marriage and work it out, but as author Esther Perel notes, the “new shame” has become staying with your spouse when you have the option of leaving. Family and friends may shame you for hanging in there, but their assessment of the situation may not include all the variables. Your calculations may also include considerations of children, finances, cherished memories, fear, and hope.

My aim is not to convince you that you should stay or leave. You have to make the final determination. After all, you’re the one who has to live with the results of your decision. And it can be a complicated decision. If you’re like most spouses, you may have received a staggered disclosure. You didn’t receive the details of the sexual acting out in one tidy confession. You thought you knew everything and then found out there was more. And still more. Being hit by multiple disclosures can be traumatizing. You were left wondering, “Who is this person that I thought I knew? What unknowns will I find out next?”

I’m not saying it’s easy, but for those who choose to work through the issues, there is the possibility that the marriage can be not only saved, but taken to a better place never thought possible. The old marriage is gone, but there is hope for a renewed connection based on rebuilt trust and respect. It will take determination and work—both for the one who’s been acting out sexually and also for the partner. (And yes, it all seems so unfair. Why should the partner have to go to therapy and do all this work when it was the other person who brought this pain?) But as therapists, we help couples create a way forward that involves a commitment to complete honesty, accountability, and making amends to the injured partner. We create a welcoming space to help you find your way back to a great relationship. Let us help you build a strong bond again. You’ve got nothing to lose by calling us.

To schedule an appointment with Tim, email him at tim@bullcitypsychotherapy.com or call his direct line at (919) 533-7907. Or see his website at successinrecovery.com.

 

Recent Trends in Sex and Love Addiction in Women

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sex and love addiction bull city psychotherapy

Less Sex, More Love Addiction in Women

An article by Kate Julian in The Atlantic titled “The Sex Recession” takes a thorough look at the recent trends of folks having less sex.  I found this to be a fascinating piece with a misleading title because, while people are reporting less sex (intercourse), other sexual behaviors are booming.  It reminded me of conversations I’ve had with many clients – particularly female sex and love addicts – who identify with the following trends Ms. Julian noted in her article including:
  • huge increases in frequency of masturbation
  • hook-up culture is diminishing peoples’ social skills for relationship building, and this discomfort leads people to perceive flirting behaviors as creepy/threatening rather than attractive/flattering
  • sex is physically painful as people attempt to replicate pornography – which is increasingly their primary source of sexual education and experience
  • economic pressures and helicopter parents are pushing autonomy, marriage, and sex later into adulthood for many young adults

There are many implications of these trends.  But what struck me was the pain of the female sex and love addict that I commonly come across.  She is disappointed in the partners she’s finding because they are socially and sexually stunted.  They mislead her about what they want in the relationship and what they are capable of, and this is partially a result of her unrealistic expectations and fantasies for the future.

She is disappointed in herself because she can’t seem to break the cycle of hooking up with these people.  When one of the hook-ups does lead to a longer relationship, the initial fantasy of their potential is intoxicating.  But the high wears off and it ultimately ends in pain because she was looking for things they couldn’t provide.  She was hoping they could be a thoughtful, considerate intimate partner and they weren’t ready to be that.  She was also looking to their relationship to validate her worth and fill a void of fulfillment and purpose in her life – and that is always a losing proposition.  To soothe the pain and the loneliness she turns to what she knows – pornography and hook-ups – and the cycle continues.

The good news is we can break the cycle and form a new one.  We can help folks learn new patterns, new ways of identifying and selecting intimate partners, and new ways of taking care of themselves both inside and outside of their intimate relationships.  Enhancing their understanding of sexuality, boundaries, accountability, and integrity allows people to take back control of their lives.  The resources and groups we provide help them feel less alone on their journey.  If any of the above experiences sound like you or someone you know, reach out to us.  We’ll help get you on a path to breaking the cycles that aren’t working for you.

 Who’s in charge: You or your feelings?

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universal emotions, bull city psychotherapy

Quick Hits:
– There are 6 basic emotions that are consistent across all intersections of humanity.
– We are likely to feel all of them, to some degree, each day.
– For optimum wellness, think of emotions as data rather than states of being.
– Let your emotions stay with you for a healthy amount of time.

Did you know there are six universal emotions?  This idea is related to the research of Paul Ekman who studied humans across diverse demographic intersections and determined that there are six emotions that we all feel and express in the same ways.  They are:

  1. Joy (Sometimes referred to as ‘Happiness’) – symbolized by raising of the mouth corners (an obvious smile) and tightening of the eyelids
  2. Surprise – symbolized by eyebrows arching, eyes opening wide and exposing more white, with the jaw dropping slightly
  3. Sadness – symbolized by lowering of the mouth corners, the eyebrows descending to the inner corners and the eyelids drooping
  4. Anger – symbolized by eyebrows lowering, lips pressing firmly and eyes bulging
  5. Disgust – symbolized by the upper lip raising, nose bridge wrinkling and cheeks raising
  6. Fear – symbolized by the upper eyelids raising, eyes opening and the lips stretching horizontally

https://www.kairos.com/blog/the-universally-recognized-facial-expressions-of-emotion

I have found this research to be helpful as it has informed the way I think about emotions.  If there are six universal emotions that, as a human being, I’m going to feel to some degree each day, then I can be intentional about how I let them in and out of my life.  Here’s what I mean…

Too often we let our emotions dictate our behaviors without a second thought.  We talk about them and treat them as states of being, saying something like, “I’m angry”.  My experience is that it is more useful to us to view emotions as data, rather than states of being.

By doing this, “I’m angry” becomes “I’m feeling anger.”  With this data, we can notice emotions, process the information they are giving us, and make a choice about how they inform our behavior, rather than giving emotions the power to influence our behavior without consideration and/or for an unhealthy amount of time.

Here’s an example: I’m feeling angry with my partner for not helping with the kids/housework last night.  If I recognize this anger as data, I give myself a good chance of effectively problem-solving in this situation.  I would likely be able to have a conversation with my partner about how I was feeling, why I was feeling that way, and what we could do to avoid that in the future.

If I treat that anger as a state of being, rather than data, I might let it in my life for an unhealthy amount of time.  If I hang on to that anger for too long I could ruin hours or days of my life resenting my partner without taking any productive action to improve the situation.  If I ignore the data, or disallow it in my life for the right amount of time, my resentment will likely build and I am less likely to protect my needs and healthy boundaries in this relationship.  But, if I let it inform me to a healthy extent, I can advocate for my needs without damaging the relationship or my feelings about them for myself.

Basically I’m suggesting that our emotions come into and out of our lives for the purpose of informing us.  We should be mindful about letting them in our lives for the appropriate amount of time, and then letting them leave.  We should not let them stay for too little or too long of a time.

More severe events in our lives, like a loss of life, break-up, or trauma naturally have longer stays in our lives.  The data they provide take a longer time to process and inform our behaviors.  But, as Ekman’s research indicates, most of us will feel the six universal emotions to some degree on a daily basis.

At our healthiest, we can acknowledge our emotions without judgment and let them inform our behaviors for the appropriate amount of time.  If this feels like a challenge for you, you may benefit from some skill building work related to mindfulness techniques and/or emotional regulation.  There are many great books and articles that can be found related to these ideas.  Two that I like in particular are:

Mindfullness: A Practical Guide by Tessa Watt

The High Conflict Couple by Alan Fruzzetti

You can find out more about Paul Ekman’s research here: http://www.beinghuman.org/mind/paul-ekman

All my best to you as you make your progress,

Matt

 

 

What is a Partner’s Expiration Date?

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What is a ‘Partner’s Expiration Date’? This is a great question that does not have one specific answer, because every partner is different in the time that their tolerance for their spouse/partner’s poor behavior runs out. 

In the field of addiction, whether it is alcoholism, drug addiction, sex/porn addiction, or any problematic behavior, we see partners of addicts move through the experience of living with addiction very differently. Some partners have a very brief expiration date, meaning they do not wait long before they give ultimatums for improved behavior and recovery, or else the relationship is over. The reasons for a short expiration date are varied and many; for example, it’s possible the partner has been through so much grief and trauma that he/she is exhausted and simply does not have more energy to spare towards the relationship. I have also seen that some partners are so affected when learning of a loved one’s addiction, especially sex addiction, that they know deep down they can never truly trust that person again in an intimate way, so they too end the relationship. Partners also reach their expiration dates quickly if their spouse does not choose recovery. Regardless of when or how a partner reaches their expiration date, they will feel the ambiguous grief over the end of their relationship, whether they wanted it to end or not.

However, other partner’s try their best to give it time, and their expiration date for whether or not to end the relationship is longer. Partners with longer expiration dates tend to enter into their own recovery and learn tools for living similar to their addicted partner, if he/she begins the work of Recovery. Recovery work for partners includes creating a recovery plan, learning about relationship health, such as codependency sobriety, possibly working a 12 step group such as ALANON, CODA, or ACA, therapy, support groups, etc. We see that when partners use their energy to focus on themselves instead of focusing on the addict or the addict’s acting out behaviors, their expiration date extend longer than partners who never choose to focus on themselves. 

However, there are times when partners’ expiration dates simply run out, regardless of the recovery work she/he has done. Sometimes recovery can provide meaning to a partner that it is best for the relationship to end, and this is OK too. Recovery is not necessarily a ‘relationship fixer.’  Recovery is what individuals do to heal from addiction and early life grief or trauma, and it can mean different things to different people. The beauty of recovery is that it is, in fact, healing. There is no guarantee where we end up, but if we keep working our own recovery, we definitely feel better and are healthier during our journey.

The 13 Secrets to an AMAZING sex life!  (No really, this list has research supporting it.)

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sex life bull city psychotherapy

I know the title sounds like clickbait, but I couldn’t help myself.  I’m a sucker for good data, and on this – the sexiest of topics – we now have good data.

Chirsanna Northrup, Pepper Schwartz, and James Witte set out to learn about couples who had a great sex life, as well as couples who had a bad sex life.  They conducted an online study with 70,000 people in 24 countries.  They detail their findings in an amazing book titled The Normal Bar.  

Before I discuss their findings, I also want to touch on the work of Dr. John Gottman.  He is known as a research and thought leader in the space of learning what makes for great and long lasting relationships.  He’s conducted research with over 3,000 couples across 40 years (https://www.gottman.com/about/research/).

Dr. Gottman combined his data with the study from The Normal Bar and isolated 13 things all couples do who have a great sex life, and 6 things all couples do who have a bad sex life.  Without further adieu –  here’s what they found:

The 13 things that people with a great sex life do:

1. They say “I love you” every day and mean it.
2. They kiss one another passionately for no reason.
3. They give surprise romantic gifts.
4. They know what turns their partners on and off erotically. (pause and ask yourself – do you know the answers to these questions about your partner?  Do they know the answers about you?  Have you ever talked about this?)
5. They are physically affectionate, even in public.
6. They keep playing and having fun together.
7. They cuddle.
8. They make sex a priority, not the last item of a long to-do list.
9. They stay good friends.
10. They can talk comfortably about their sex life.  (Stop and ask yourself – can you do this?)
11. They have weekly dates.
12. They take romantic vacations.
13. They are mindful about turning toward each other in good times and bad.

The 6 things that people with a bad sex life do:

1. Spend very little time together during a typical week.
2. Become job-centered and/or child-centered.
3. Talk mostly about their huge to-do lists.
4. Seem to make everything else a priority other than their relationship.
5. Drift apart and lead parallel lives.
6. Are unintentional about turning toward one another to deal with life’s issues and their own feelings.

How did these lists make you feel?  How many of the things are you doing on both lists?
In my mind, many of these items fall under the heading of “simple but not easy”.  It’s simple to say, “we need to have weekly dates”.  It’s harder to find the time.  Look at your relationship.  Look at the relationships around you.  Having an amazing sex life, and a deep intimate connection over the long-term is certainly not easy.  

My other big take-away is that this list is really describing a relationship of connection.  Sure, a strong physical connection is important to make sex fun, but in order to keep it fun the connection must be deeper than that.  You must be able to talk to one another – even about difficult topics.  You need to make time for one another – even when life gets busy.  You need to do the things that nurture a good friendship – like being consistently respectful and thoughtful, and knowing when and how to apologize for wounding each other.  Authentic physical and emotional connection keeps your relationship, and your sex-life, healthy and indeed, great!  

If you notice you have some areas in your relationship that could use improvement, there is reason for hope.  We at Bull City Psychotherapy know how to help.  If you are not having a great sex life, if you are struggling to succeed in any or all of those 13 key items, give us a call.  We’ll be honored to help you improve this critical part of your most intimate relationship.  

To schedule an appointment with Matt, please call the office at (919) 382-0288 or Matt’s direct line is (919) 794-5490, or email at matt@bullcitypsychotherapy.com.