Monthly Archives: July 2022

The Withholding Of Love

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What is the withholding of love? Have you ever been in a relationship and your partner was
right next to you, and you felt completely alone? I have, and it felt absolutely miserable and
hopeless.

There are so many different ways we can withhold love. First, when we do not receive the care,
comfort, safety, nurturing, and affection that we needed in early childhood, not only are our
basic needs being withheld from us, but so is love. It is in the early years ages 0-3 that we learn
to withhold love. We learn to withhold love as a method of self protection from the emotional
and/or physical neglect or deprivation we experienced from our early caregivers. This does not
necessarily mean we experienced abuse or trauma, rather emotional neglect or deprivation is
expressed from most caregivers to small children in one way or another, and it is usually very
covert and happens in typical ‘healthy’ families.

As adults, we learn ways to withhold love that are the progression of ‘what we did not get’ in
early childhood, especially if we are avoidant in our primary relationships. Avoidance of
intimate connection, people, conversation, conflict, physical affection, or emotionally difficult
topics is a primary way the withholding of love presents in a primary relationship.

There are other more covert ways we may withhold love; some examples are not being
interested in your partner, not being willing to be supportive of your partner’s feelings, only
giving to your partner in ways that are easy for you, and not what they may want/need, not
being affectionate, blaming your partner for how you feel, being in active addiction, as well as
being a person who only stays on the surface of life and does not ‘go deep’ into intimacy with
others. Some ways you might hear covert withholding are, ‘I’m fine, everything’s fine’, ‘Well,
I’m sure it will work out for you at some point’, or,’ Let me tell you everything about my day.’
These comments may seem small, however they take their toll on a relationship, and create a
space that is not validating or affirming for the individuals or couple-ship to grow.

If you are reading this and you are wondering if you are withholding, this is the perfect moment
for you to take a deep dive into this really wonderful space and get to know yourself in a
deeper, more intimate manner. If you want to share more of yourself in your relationships, in a
healthy way, you can unlearn how you withhold, and you can learn how to participate more
deeply in relationships. Your first step is to find a therapist EXPERIENCED IN INTIMACY AND/OR
SEX THERAPY if you want to grow in your primary relationship.

If you are in a relationship with a withholding partner, I see you. You ARE important, and you
DO matter. Please find a therapist WITH TRAINED EXPERIENCE IN INTIMACY and begin the
process of evaluating yourself and your relationship, either with or without your partner, in
individual and/or couples therapy. When we do our own work and healing FIRST, and we learn
to love ourselves, it makes the process of evaluating the relationship easier.

May you appreciate and enjoy your journey work.

The Importance of Affirming Mental Healthcare for Trans and Nonbinary People

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Picture this: after years of struggling with your gender, you’ve finally realized that you don’t identify with the label that was slapped on you at birth and you’ve decided to work toward becoming who you authentically are on the inside. You’re not sure if you’re relieved, thrilled, or so terrified you can feel it in your bones. You have to decide who to tell, if it’s safe to come out to your friends, partner, or family. You want to change your name, but don’t know what feels right to you yet. You’re thinking about going on hormones, but you don’t know for sure if that’s what you want, and you’re even less sure how you’d get access to that treatment. 

Realizing you’re transgender, nonbinary, or identify anywhere else under the gender diverse umbrella (Note: I will be using “trans” as an umbrella term in this post, but I realize not everyone identifies with that label), is a stressful experience, even when your loved ones support you. And in all likelihood, you have other things going on in your life at the same time. Work or relationship stress, dealing with past trauma, low self-esteem, anxiety, depression… It can all add up, making an already tough transition that much harder. Please believe me when I say that during this time, mental health counseling can be life changing and sometimes even lifesaving.

When it comes to therapy for trans people, however, there has unfortunately been little research conducted both on the competency of mental healthcare providers and what specific counseling strategies are most effective in helping trans clients (Moradi et al., 2016). Even more unfortunately, a large study of individuals in the United States who identified under the trans umbrella (James et al., 2016) found that, of respondents who discussed their identity with a mental healthcare professional, nearly one in five reported that the professional attempted to stop them from being trans. This experience was correlated with a 149% increased likelihood of attempting suicide. And even if mental health care providers do not explicitly try to stop their client from being trans, they may commit microaggressions that create an unwelcoming environment (Morris et al., 2020).

While it is crystal clear that the mental healthcare field as a whole needs to improve here, that may be a long and hard fought battle. In the meantime, I encourage clients who are trans or questioning their gender identity to seek out mental health professionals who are actively affirming and knowledgeable about trans identities.

Before I even realized that I identified as nonbinary, I knew that I wanted to specialize in helping trans folks become their happiest and most authentic selves. I saw the experiences my trans friends and loved ones were going through and felt a deep sense of empathy and a desire to improve the lives of people in this community. Looking back, I think this was in part because I identified with their experiences. 

When I did realize I was nonbinary, I was also just about to start graduate school in the middle of a global pandemic. If I hadn’t had a therapist during that time who walked beside me as I learned more about myself, encouraged me, and gently challenged me when I needed it, I wonder if the stress might have eaten me alive. While she made a few missteps along the way, I am ultimately so very grateful for her help.

Now, as a licensed, openly nonbinary mental health counselor, I hope to be able to be part of the competent and knowledgeable support system that this community needs. If you identify as trans or are questioning your gender identity, you deserve empathetic, affirming support. You deserve to be yourself. You deserve to thrive. 

References

James, S. E., Herman, J. L., Rankin, S., Keisling, M., Mottet, L., & Anafi, M. (2016). The Report of the 2015 U.S. Transgender Survey. Washington, DC: National Center for Transgender Equality.

Moradi, B., Tebbe, E. A., Brewster, M. E., Budge, S. L., Lenzen, A., Ege, E., Schuch, E., Arango, S., Angelone, N., Mender, E., Hiner, D. L., Huscher, K., Painter, J., & Flores, M. J. (2016). A Content Analysis of Literature on Trans People and Issues: 2002–2012. The Counseling Psychologist, 44(7), 960–995. https://doi.org/10.1177/0011000015609044 

Morris, E. R., Lindley, L., & Galupo, M. P. (2020). “Better issues to focus on”: Transgender Microaggressions as Ethical Violations in Therapy. The Counseling Psychologist, 48(6), 883–915. https://doi.org/10.1177/0011000020924391