What do you do when you’ve done all you can? Despite repeated promises to stop having affairs or talking in chat rooms or sexting with a coworker, your partner continues. There’s a pattern—what seems like an addiction. Your partner says, no, everything’s fine. Or that this is normal in a marriage, even though the two of you made a commitment to be exclusive. If your partner refuses to go to therapy, what do you? What’s the next step?
The next step is to begin with yourself. I know that statement may sound strange or blaming, but that’s not the intent. You can’t force your partner to change; you can only change yourself. And the best next step at this point is to stop pressuring your partner into therapy, and instead find your own therapist. You need someone with the right training who can help you think through the options—to help you understand boundaries and accountability and addiction. If you’re having trouble setting boundaries, the therapist can help you look at why it’s difficult for you. Boundaries can be complicated. Besides, you can really miss important opportunities if you don’t have the right person to assist you in thinking things through.
For example, suppose you give your partner an ultimatum that he must attend 12-step group meetings every day for a month. It sounds reasonable enough, but you may have just inadvertently shot yourself in the foot. What’s going to happen? Well, after a month of attending meetings, the partner may very well say, “Okay, I did what you asked me to do. Now I’m done. And I’m not going back.” Or what if the partner attends 20 meetings but not the 30 meetings that you asked for? Are you really prepared to leave the relationship because work or family obligations interfered?
You see my point? The next step is most likely to begin with yourself. “Get thee to a therapist!” And if the partner’s problem has anything to do with sex and porn addiction, you definitely need a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT). Other therapists may be great with other issues, but most are not trained in sex addiction. Having the right therapist will make all the difference. I promise you.
At Bull City Psychotherapy, we would be honored to work with you and help you on your journey. Take the first step. Begin with yourself. Do it now.
To schedule an appointment with Tim, please call his direct line at 919-533-7907. Or you can e-mail him at tim@bullcitypsychotherapy.com.