Addiction

The Love Killer of RIGIDITY

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There are many ways we can withhold love. The withholding of love can look like avoidance, silence, anger, making jokes instead of feeling feelings, pretending everything is fine and not talking about tough topics, lack of affection, as well as a general detachment in relationships. The withholding of love is a ‘Love Killer’ over time. 

Another primary way withholding of love can show up is rigidity. Rigidity is a very harsh love killer, because it completely invalidates the other person in the relationship. For instance, a partner who digs his/her/their heels in repeatedly and refuses to budge is being rigid. Rigid partners do not typically discuss conflict, rather they tell others what to do and how things are going to be, or they avoid. Also, continued rigidity creates an impossible situation to work through. The deeper one is in rigidity, the less likely one can find a way out and choose a different way of being. The partner who is habitually rigid gets more deeply stuck into the trap of being rigid, therefore as time goes on, there is less likelihood that the rigid pattern will change. Rigidity becomes a familiar brain habit. 

Rigid people typically do not see, hear, or empathize with their partner. The partner must choose between herself, or she must abandon herself and be controlled in order to save the relationship. Rigidity is a lose-lose relationship pattern. The partner who experiences rigidity feels very disconnected from her partner, and this prolonged pattern can create an unfortunate natural consequence, called ‘killing love.’ Nothing says ‘you are not important and you don’t matter to me’ more than rigidity. 

In an intimate relationship, rigidity feels like painful abandonment being handed out by the one we love the most. It is excruciating not to be seen by our partner. This is especially harmful if it is a pattern. Over time, we can fall out of love with a rigid partner, because rigidity creates disconnection, pain, and it completely invalidates us as a human being in the relationship. 

Addiction creates a rigid brain. Recovery creates a pliable and flexible brain. Rigidity is one reason why it is so difficult to be in a relationship with an active addict. It is also important to know that even if one is in sobriety, rigidity can continue without a true recovery. A deep and True Recovery, however, can help us move away from rigid thinking and behavior into a place of being capable of giving and receiving care, comfort, safety, nurturing, affection, and LOVE. 

A Reflection on the Atlanta Spa Shootings

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Dear Clients, Colleagues, and Community Members,

I am writing this post in the aftermath of the Atlanta, GA, spa shootings. As a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist & Supervisor (CSAT-S), I have considered whether or not to weigh in on this horrible tragedy since sex addiction has been mentioned in the media, and at this point, I have decided to share my thoughts.

First, I’d like to clearly state that, as a therapist and a woman in recovery for over two decades, these are my thoughts, and I speak only for myself. I do not represent any other therapists or persons in recovery from sex addiction.

Sex addiction is a very real addiction that creates much pain for the addicted person, as well as those around the addict. The ‘debate’ regarding whether sex addiction is a valid addiction has long been refuted with numerous peer-reviewed research studies that have been the focus of many of my academic colleagues for the past two decades. The World Health Organization in 2018 validated sex addiction as an actual disease, and it will be called Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder (CSBD) in the next edition of the Diagnostic and Statistic Manual of Mental Disorders, which is the mental health workers’ primary resource in regards to diagnosing patients and filing insurance.

The debate is over. Sex addiction exists, and it is a very real addiction. Sex addiction is not glamorous or shiny, rather it is insidious and disgusting.

The Atlanta spa shootings are a horrible tragedy. Asian hate crimes are unacceptable. Killing innocent people is unacceptable. Period.

However, please do not believe any incorrect media information implying that the shooter acted only due to his sex addiction. Sex addiction is not a powerful enough stand-alone diagnosis for an addict to commit murder. This shooter had other severe long-term mental health issues he had been struggling with.

Sex addiction is an isolating disease, where the addict harms him/herself by engaging in dangerous sexual behaviors that keep the addict emotionally imprisoned and disconnected from authentic human connection. Oftentimes, sex addicts intentionally inflict harm on their own bodies, even escalating to suicide because the shame is too much to bear.

It is too simple to blame sex addiction in the Atlanta spa shootings. There are many other social, institutional, and mental health issues involved in this tragedy that deserve our attention too. We do not know exactly why the shooter turned his attention outside of himself to blame massage spa workers, rather than take responsibility himself for his sexually addictive behaviors, but unfortunately, he did blame others. Blaming others is not part of addiction recovery. Whatever ‘support’ this man was receiving clearly did not address his mental status, which is what we mental health professionals check at each visit. Mental status determines a person’s safety and ability to engage in reality, and this was definitely missed, if in fact, he was in treatment, or working with mental health professionals. Again, the point is that sex addiction in and of itself is not a determining factor that would ‘cause’ someone to commit murder, other diagnoses and mental health issues were part of this man’s mental status and decision-making.

As a society, we do need to become more aware of and educated about what sex addiction is and is not. Sex addiction in our younger generations is becoming addicted to pornography, with the average age of exposure being 8 years old. Sex addiction is horrendous betrayal trauma inflicted time and again to a spouse. Sex addiction is the lack of honesty and inability to be intimate in a partnered relationship. Sex addiction is not fun. Sex addiction does not feel good. Sex addiction is shaming, depressing, and a hopeless feeling of never being loved.

As a CSAT-S and a grateful woman in recovery, I am hopeful that we can turn this tragedy into a teachable moment of what sex addiction is and how prevalent it is in our world, in the hope of teaching and modeling healthy and safe sexual and intimate relationships.

 

Meet Our Newest Associate, Caroline Gobble

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Caroline Gobble Director of Marketing

Meet our new therapist, Caroline Gobble. She has served as our marketing director for the past year and is now an associate at BCP. Caroline is a psychotherapist dedicated to helping individuals, couples, adolescents, and families move beyond the challenges and pain of past experiences in order to live a productive and hope-filled life.  Through individual and group counseling, she strives to create a safe and affirming environment for clients to explore their authentic selves, and she seeks to provide each client with his/her own individual treatment, utilizing evidenced-based interventions. Her areas of interest are assisting clients with eating disorders, depression/anxiety, substance abuse, addiction, relationship issues, trauma, grief/loss, problem-solving skills, social skills training, among many others.

Caroline is a graduate of North Carolina Central University’s Counselor Education Program. She has dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and School Counseling. Caroline is a National Board Certified Counselor (NBCC),  a Licensed Professional Counselor-Associate (LPC-A), and a North Carolina Licensed Professional School Counselor. She is also pursuing her Licensed Clinical Addictions Specialist (LCAS) credential. Caroline earned her Bachelor’s degree from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.

Caroline’s training in eating disorders began when she was an intern at UNC’s Center of Excellence for Eating Disorders (CEED), where she worked on the inpatient eating disorders unit at UNC Hospital. She conducted individual counseling and facilitated various groups including CBT, DBT, and a media awareness/body image group. Her clinical training is in cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, solution focused therapy, motivational interviewing, and Maudsley family therapy. Currently, she is a PRN therapist at Carolina House, a residential eating disorders treatment center in Durham, NC, where she leads a weekly addictions education group, among other groups and individual/family therapy.

Caroline  is a member of the North Carolina Board of Licensed Professional Counselors, American Counseling Association, North Carolina Counseling Association, International Association of Eating Disorders Professionals, North Carolina Chapter of International Association of Eating Disorders Professionals, North Carolina School Counselor Association, American School Counselor Association, and Chi Sigma Iota Counseling Honor Society. She currently serves as the President of Nu Chi Chi, NCCU’s chapter of CSI.

Additionally at Bull City Psychotherapy, Caroline helps maintain the website, manages social media accounts, contributes to articles and blog posts, creates a quarterly newsletter, among other tasks. To schedule an appointment with Caroline, call 919-382-0288-or email caroline@bullcitypsychotherapy

What is a Partner’s Expiration Date?

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What is a ‘Partner’s Expiration Date’? This is a great question that does not have one specific answer, because every partner is different in the time that their tolerance for their spouse/partner’s poor behavior runs out. 

In the field of addiction, whether it is alcoholism, drug addiction, sex/porn addiction, or any problematic behavior, we see partners of addicts move through the experience of living with addiction very differently. Some partners have a very brief expiration date, meaning they do not wait long before they give ultimatums for improved behavior and recovery, or else the relationship is over. The reasons for a short expiration date are varied and many; for example, it’s possible the partner has been through so much grief and trauma that he/she is exhausted and simply does not have more energy to spare towards the relationship. I have also seen that some partners are so affected when learning of a loved one’s addiction, especially sex addiction, that they know deep down they can never truly trust that person again in an intimate way, so they too end the relationship. Partners also reach their expiration dates quickly if their spouse does not choose recovery. Regardless of when or how a partner reaches their expiration date, they will feel the ambiguous grief over the end of their relationship, whether they wanted it to end or not.

However, other partner’s try their best to give it time, and their expiration date for whether or not to end the relationship is longer. Partners with longer expiration dates tend to enter into their own recovery and learn tools for living similar to their addicted partner, if he/she begins the work of Recovery. Recovery work for partners includes creating a recovery plan, learning about relationship health, such as codependency sobriety, possibly working a 12 step group such as ALANON, CODA, or ACA, therapy, support groups, etc. We see that when partners use their energy to focus on themselves instead of focusing on the addict or the addict’s acting out behaviors, their expiration date extend longer than partners who never choose to focus on themselves. 

However, there are times when partners’ expiration dates simply run out, regardless of the recovery work she/he has done. Sometimes recovery can provide meaning to a partner that it is best for the relationship to end, and this is OK too. Recovery is not necessarily a ‘relationship fixer.’  Recovery is what individuals do to heal from addiction and early life grief or trauma, and it can mean different things to different people. The beauty of recovery is that it is, in fact, healing. There is no guarantee where we end up, but if we keep working our own recovery, we definitely feel better and are healthier during our journey.

When It’s Not Okay to Talk

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sex addiction bull city psychotherapy

 

Do you remember any of these phrases from your childhood?
“Quit being a baby!”
“Take it like a man!”
“Don’t upset me with your problems!”
“Don’t you know I’m too busy with your father/sister/brother to deal with you right now?”

It may have been inadvertent, but you got the message somewhere along the line that it’s not okay to
talk about unpleasant things. You may have grown up in a family where you felt like there wasn’t room
for you—for your emotions, your needs, your grief and sadness. You learned that it’s not okay to talk
about difficult issues, and so, you found self-soothing and relief in sex or porn or at the bottom of a
bottle. These things weren’t the same as a deep, loving connection with a human being, but they made
you feel good enough to get by. You couldn’t connect emotionally, so you found a substitute.

You did the best you knew how as a child, but now you recognize that the old pattern or addiction is
ruining your life. So, where do you begin at this point to function in a different way? How do you start
connecting? How do you find the courage to talk about painful stuff? If you’re dealing with an addiction,
individual therapy and group therapy can be great ways to learn how to manage your emotions, reduce
shame, and build healthy relationships. Particularly when it comes to sex and porn addiction, finding a
Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) is a must. A specially trained therapist and an addiction group
can jump start your healing and growth.

Reach out. Find a new way to connect. Learn that it’s okay to talk about it—in fact, it’s necessary to talk.
Know that there is room for you.

To schedule an appointment with Tim, please call his direct line at 919-533-7907. Or you can e-mail
him at tim@bullcitypsychotherapy.com.