How A Therapist Traces Relationship Issues Back To Your Brain feature post on DatingAdvice.com

Posted on by

The Short Version: Dr. Sophia Dorton Caudle, a psychotherapist based in North Carolina, has made a career out of diving into people’s heads. She specializes in sex therapy and addiction for all ages. Dr. Sophia gave us some insight into how relationship issues can be traced back to our childhoods, and how we can heal from deeply ingrained bad habits. 

The mind is a mysterious place. I can barely explain what goes on in my own head, let alone what goes through someone else’s. Sometimes, my closest loved ones make decisions that simply baffle me. What were they thinking?! What was I thinking?! And while we’re on the subject, how much do our psyches factor into our romantic relationships, anyway?

Most of us run from oncoming conflict, but Dr. Sophia Dorton Caudle of Queen City Healthy Sex and Relationships meets relationship problems head-on. If someone comes to her with a problem of the heart, head, or both, she’s all in — because they’re usually connected.

“I have a strong interest in intimacy and relationships,” she told us. “In my practices, we focus on sex therapy, sex addiction, trauma, grief, mood disorders, and codependency.” But really, Dr. Sophia is passionate about getting to the root cause of any relationship-related problem a couple may be experiencing.

If you want to know a person’s heart, you may have to explore your own brain first, said Dr. Sophia.

Adult Relationship Patterns Are Shaped By Your Past

TV therapists tend to nod, jot down notes, and ask “How does that make you feel?” Expect a more exploratory approach from Dr. Sophia. “We are root cause therapists,” she said of her psychotherapy practices. Root cause therapy is based in the belief that your current mental or emotional problems, such as anxiety or addiction, can be traced back to a trauma from your past.

Let’s say you struggle with sex addiction, are a chronic cheater, enjoy catfishing, or are emotionally unavailable. With the help of a specialized therapist like Dr. Sophia, you can examine the events that led to your current problems, identify the root causes, and finally begin to heal.

“We get to the root cause of everything, which is about attachment and grief,” Dr. Sophia explained. “It’s below trauma. It’s what triggers everything.”

For many people, the root cause of their issues goes all the way back to childhood. Some therapists refer to an early life trauma as one’s “original grief.”

“We’re not finding people who are emotionally unavailable because we are gluttons for punishment,” she said. Instead, we may have deeply ingrained behavioral patterns to thank for our dead-end relationships.

And as you may have guessed, the reason behind these patterns goes back to your childhood.

“When you’re very little, there was something you didn’t get enough of emotionally, and you developed patterns and tools (to cope),” Dr. Sophia explained. For example, if you didn’t get enough attention as a child, you may have realized that crying led to more hugs from your parents. Or as a teenager, the more you rebelled against your mother, the more independent you felt.

You learn to weaponize your emotions, in other words. But when you mirror these behaviors as an adult, other people aren’t necessarily going to respond the way you’re used to. Dissolving into tears for attention or fighting anyone who doesn’t put up with your outbursts doesn’t lead to a healthy relationship.

This is something Dr. Sophia has encountered many times as a psychotherapist. “We’re just taught these really unhelpful patterns from our caregivers, who were emotionally unavailable in their own ways.”

We’ve established how childhood trauma can inform the way we behave as adults. So it isn’t surprising that it can also lead to codependency — at least, at first. “When codependency stops working, we start seeking out other ways of feeling better,” Dr. Sophia said.

Self-soothing feels good in the moment, but it doesn’t address the deeply rooted issue. Plus, self-soothing often takes harmful forms in an effort to, as Dr. Sophia told us, “numb out” our bodies and minds. “Sometimes it can turn into some kind of an addiction.”

You can guess how the story goes from here. Sex, drugs, and alcohol addictions are common “numbing” agents. Dr. Sophia has seen patience self-soothe with all three. We’re not saying psychotherapy can cure addiction, but it can certainly help identify the root cause of addiction.

“We need to become more conscious of (harmful patterns) so we can unlearn them,” Dr. Sophia said. And we can start to unlearn these patterns or habits with the help of EMDR therapy.

The Benefits of EMDR and Alternative Therapy

Dr. Sophia recommends eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy (EMDR) for those who are ready to try this kind of emotional inner work.

Some people think therapy will cure their problems overnight, but this simply isn’t realistic. Dr. Sophia encourages people to seek professional help, but she also wants people to feel empowered enough to do their own self-work at home, and to try alternative therapies if doing so works for them.

“There’s no secret sauce to doing an alternative therapy,” she said. “As a consumer, you just want to look for a therapist who knows how to do more than talk therapy, because then you’re going to move a lot quicker.”

Talk therapy is beneficial, but it doesn’t fit everyone’s lifestyle or personality. EMDR helps the patient come to terms with traumatic moments. “Alternative therapy helps you connect the mind and the body and get into the feelings much quicker and process through it,” Dr. Sophia told us. “It’s all about figuring out how to get in the body and in the feelings.”

If you have trouble setting boundaries for yourself, you probably have trouble setting boundaries in relationships as well. If this resonates with you, Dr. Sophia recommends seeing a directive therapist.

“Leave your therapist and do not look back if they are nodding their head at you and waiting for you to (cure yourself) because that’s actually how most therapists are taught. If we knew how to do that as clients, we wouldn’t need a therapist,” she pointed out.

A directive therapist helps you craft a structured plan for your future that will challenge the habits that aren’t serving you. They’re a present guide — a coach, in a way — who keeps you focused on your relationship goals.

Dr. Sophia’s Unique Dating Plans

Dr. Sophia puts directive therapy in action with her unique dating plan. “I have a top-notch dating plan, and it’s extremely fun, helpful, and organic, which is what dating should be like,” she said.

Dr. Sophia works with clients to map out their individualized dating plans. She finds that keeping a structured plan helps people who struggle in their relationships due to, for example, childhood trauma or sex addiction.

To start, a client chooses whichever method of dating works for them: online, over an app, via speed dates, and so on. “Whatever ways you feel comfortable meeting people, just start doing that, and do not focus on one person,” she suggested. “Date as many people as you can at the same time, and just let people fall away and see the two or three that rise to the top.”

The key is to allow these relationships to happen as organically as possible. If a flirtation never progresses, then let it “fall away,” as Dr. Sophia put it. Instead of trying to control every relationship, let the chips fall where they may. “There needs to be ease. There needs to be a comfortable chemistry. Chemistry is not something we should wait for or work on at the beginning,” she emphasized.

Part of the dating plan is establishing clear boundaries and deal breakers. “Any relationship that’s not fun and easy in the first month or six months is not worth pursuing,” Dr. Sophia told us. When people inevitably “fall away” in the dating process, don’t allow them to fall away completely. Dr. Sophia recommended keeping them close.

“Cultivate the people who are falling to the side as our friends, because we’re going to meet people that way, too,” she pointed out. This can be tricky for people who are naturally avoidant, but that’s exactly who Dr. Sophia’s dating plan is for: People who have such ingrained bad habits that they need a little help establishing new, healthy habits.

The dating plan ultimately encourages people to ask themselves one question: Do I feel important in this relationship? “That’s what all relationships boil down to,” Dr. Sophia explained. “‘Do I matter? Am I important?’”

If you can’t answer that question with 100% certainty, then it may be time to dive into your partner’s psyche — and your own.

Love Partner or Life Partner, or Both…….Which Relationship Name Feels Right For You?

Posted on by

Our primary intimate relationship can have many different names, titles, and descriptive meanings. Husband, wife, partner, life partner, spouse, and……Love Partner.

Love Partner is a title that implies deep love and connection, with an emphasis on the feelings experienced in the relationship. Couples who describe each other as love partners may even feel as if they are soul mates. For those of us who call our partner a ‘Love Partner’, the name, life partner typically does not fit. A life partner can be an old friend or even a spouse who we are not deeply connected to emotionally. Many people are married or in long-term relationships where the term life partner fits, but the deep emotional connection is not present, and the longing to be deeply close with each other is not necessarily felt. For those of us who feel as if we are in a love partner relationship, the term life partner can feel like a business partner relationship, and a relationship that is more focused on the daily tasks of living, rather than the daily experiences of deep emotional connection.

Love Partners can also share the ease of living, because the deep love and care are present. When couples find this type of ease and deep connection in relationship, amazing experiences can be shared together, because the intimacy travels into all parts of the relationship……..emotional connection, spiritual connection, intellectual connection, social connection, sexual connection, and all the other 12 Types of Intimacy.

The finding of a true Love Partner is a rare gift. There are millions of life partners who would be good matches for us, however, there are likely not many love partners, who we can deeply connect with, and vise-versa. When we are gifted to find ourselves in a Love Partner relationship, it is important to do our own personal work, so we can continue to show up and nurture the sacred space of our very special relationship.

For more information on how you can find your Love Partner relationship or how you can transform your current relationship into a Love Partner relationship, contact Dr. Sophia @ sophia@queencityhealthysex.com or sophia@bullcitypsychotherapy.com

The Power of Choosing Aloneness

Posted on by

As it turns out, one of the main feelings we typically try very hard not to feel, is one of our best and most effective pathways to true emotional freedom and wellbeing.

I am speaking about Loneliness or Chosen Aloneness.

When we step into loneliness or aloneness, we change the course of how this feeling affects us. If we accept loneliness and feel it fully, then eventually, we won’t feel the need to try and resist it. We try to resist feeling lonely, because it is such a difficult feeling to feel for most of us, until we let go and invite ourself into the feeling. There are many unhelpful ways we resist feeling lonely; addiction, disassociation, codependency, numbing out, technology, over or under eating, are just some ways we resist feeling loneliness.

When we allow ourselves to feel lonely, then follow it up with meditation, other grounding behaviors, or healthy connection with others, the feeling of loneliness loses its power over us, and we can allow it to be felt as it needs to organically. We are, in essence, building a tolerance for a normal feeling that we can learn to let come and go as it needs to, and rather than expending our energy to not feel a feeling, we can accept it, feel it, and use our energy to participate in healthy connection with ourselves and others.

Loneliness is a part of the feeling state of Grief, and as such, should be honored and felt, as much deep personal growth occurs in the deep Grief.

©Copyright Sophia Dorton Caudle, PhD, All Rights Reserved

Hydration

Posted on by

Our bodies are constantly using and losing water! Even while we sleep water is especially being used to power our immune system and metabolism to carry out all types of cellular processes. Water has a profound impact on your brain because your brain is made up of mostly water. Even being slightly dehydrated can negatively impact the function of your brain such as lack of focus, fatigue, poor memory, and a reduced ability to have sharp and clear thinking. It plays a huge part in aging and our risk for chronic disease!

Did you know that 99% of the molecules in your body are water?

Water as an overall percentage is about 50 to 70 percent of your body weight.  Your blood is 85% water, your muscle is 80% water, your brain is 75% water and even your bones are 25% water which shows the importance water plays in your health.

Your body needs water for blood circulation, metabolism, regulation of body temperature and waste toxin removal.  Hydration is not just about intake but also the most important way to detoxify and get rid of waste through the skin by sweating, through the stool and through urine. This is something that should be happening on a consistent basis to be optimally healthy.  

Water carries energy and responds to it. That is why staying hydrated is the number one key to optimal health.  The key is to get the water into the cell! Ultimately you have indicators to tell if your mood, performance, and cognitive function will suffer.

  • Your level of thirst can be a day to day guide although if you are thirsty it is already too late. If you feel fatigue and brain fog this can be the first easy indicator you are dehydrated. When you are dehydrated your brain actually shrinks in size and your neurons require water to fire and communicate and that system (the glymphatic system needs water) just losing 1 to 2 % of water can affect the brain’s ability to function. If it is not getting enough water it can not communicate with the rest of the body.
  • The color of your urine can be influenced by medications, supplements but overall if it is deep dark yellow you are likely not drinking enough water.

Although the color of your urine does not necessarily translate to the amount of intracellular water and hydration, it is one easy indicator to follow.  Pale, light yellow urine is key, along with the volume of your urine. If you are not urinating every 2 ½ to 3 hours when you are awake, you are not drinking enough. 

PROPER HYDRATION IS  MORE THAN DRINKING WATER! You absolutely need electrolytes (sodium, magnesium, potassium and calcium to be able to bring water into the cell. On average  we are at least 60% water and 40% of that is inside of our cells.  Water helps to keep our cell shape and structure, it’s where almost every metabolic process takes place. So when we drink water all day long but there is not a proper electrolyte balance, it will not get into our cells and that is crucial for actual hydration.  

One way to avoid nighttime bathroom trips is to “frontload” the majority of your water in the morning and avoid doing anything but sipping as needed a few hours before bed.   

Try at least in the morning to front load your water and make sure to add electrolytes to it.

Easy Ways to Stay hydrated:

  • We should eat more plant foods to stay hydrated such as green leafy vegetables,green juices, cucumbers, celery, watermelon, and berries have a lot of water content! Cucumbers are 96% water.  You can also have 1 to 2 Tablespoons Chia seeds. When placed in water they form a gel around them which helps to maintain hydration longer.Eating foods like these are in the purest form and the water is driven into the cell.
  • Avoid sugar and glucose increasing products.  For example sports drinks and electrolytes packets that have sugar are dehydrating. You also have to add back more water when drinking caffeine or alcohol.
  • On average the baseline of how much water you need daily is approximately 50% of your body weight in ounces of water. For example if you weigh 160 pounds, your water needs are in the range of 80 ounces a day. This will be increased with intense exercise or being out on a hot day. 

Hydration Protocol:

  1. When you first wake up, start drinking 16 ounces of filtered water and add ¼ teaspoon of  Redman’s Real salt electrolytes before you have any caffeine. You can do this more than once.
  2. Drink 16 more ounces with lemon overtime in-between meals so that you do not dilute your digestive process taking place with food.  
  3. You can then focus on the listed hydrating foods and continue to drink the balance of your remaining water throughout the day.
  4. Exercise and movement transfer the water around in your tissues due to fascia working as a hydraulic pump. 

Please message me on social media, visit my website www.kimshackleford.com or email me at kimshacknutrition@gmail.com if you need help! 

#drinkingwater #nutritionaltherapy # detoxification #lymphaticsystem #holistichealth #holistichealthandwellness  #healing #healthylifestyle #healthyliving #wellness #hydration #purewater #cellularhydration #hydrate #drinkwater #minerals #electrolytes #drinkmorewater

The Love Killer of RIGIDITY

Posted on by

There are many ways we can withhold love. The withholding of love can look like avoidance, silence, anger, making jokes instead of feeling feelings, pretending everything is fine and not talking about tough topics, lack of affection, as well as a general detachment in relationships. The withholding of love is a ‘Love Killer’ over time. 

Another primary way withholding of love can show up is rigidity. Rigidity is a very harsh love killer, because it completely invalidates the other person in the relationship. For instance, a partner who digs his/her/their heels in repeatedly and refuses to budge is being rigid. Rigid partners do not typically discuss conflict, rather they tell others what to do and how things are going to be, or they avoid. Also, continued rigidity creates an impossible situation to work through. The deeper one is in rigidity, the less likely one can find a way out and choose a different way of being. The partner who is habitually rigid gets more deeply stuck into the trap of being rigid, therefore as time goes on, there is less likelihood that the rigid pattern will change. Rigidity becomes a familiar brain habit. 

Rigid people typically do not see, hear, or empathize with their partner. The partner must choose between herself, or she must abandon herself and be controlled in order to save the relationship. Rigidity is a lose-lose relationship pattern. The partner who experiences rigidity feels very disconnected from her partner, and this prolonged pattern can create an unfortunate natural consequence, called ‘killing love.’ Nothing says ‘you are not important and you don’t matter to me’ more than rigidity. 

In an intimate relationship, rigidity feels like painful abandonment being handed out by the one we love the most. It is excruciating not to be seen by our partner. This is especially harmful if it is a pattern. Over time, we can fall out of love with a rigid partner, because rigidity creates disconnection, pain, and it completely invalidates us as a human being in the relationship. 

Addiction creates a rigid brain. Recovery creates a pliable and flexible brain. Rigidity is one reason why it is so difficult to be in a relationship with an active addict. It is also important to know that even if one is in sobriety, rigidity can continue without a true recovery. A deep and True Recovery, however, can help us move away from rigid thinking and behavior into a place of being capable of giving and receiving care, comfort, safety, nurturing, affection, and LOVE. 

Finding Your Inner Peaceful Place

Posted on by

Taking time for the positive                                                               

Early in the Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) journey, there is therapeutic time given to building supportive grounding strategies as part of a selfcare toolbox. One of these resourcing tools may be reconnecting with or developing our own Safe Place (Shapiro 2018, pp. 117-119). This mindfulness practice uses positive imagery of a real or imagined calm and peaceful inner place. This place in your heart, mind, and maybe in your memory, holds a positive personal connection where all your senses are alive with peaceful joy. This safe place is a connection to your inner confidence while also being fully calm. With EMDR we reconnect to this place or other chosen resourcing strategies time and again, as needed. But why? At the immediate level, these and other grounding tools help us during and in between sessions when we’re feeling imbalanced or overwhelmed with what comes up. Starting and ending EMDR sessions in a place of strength and calmness grounds us in feelings of present safety and reminds us that we are our own best support system.

Utilizing this inner peaceful place through positive imagery may be intuitive for some, but for others developing a peaceful inner realm takes practice…and patience. How to step beyond the worries and misgivings and even the “I don’t have time for this” mode?

Practice. Practice allowing yourself time for the positive. Therapy does not take away negative events that have happened. Therapy offers the tools to process the negative and the skills to move into your future a more whole person (here we are connecting to the Old English and Germanic origin of the word heal as “to make whole”). So, this healing process goes beyond addressing wounds created. True healing includes the pieces of joy we pick up along the way. When wounds are deep, noticing the joys or being curious about a place of inner calm can be a struggle, thus we practice. Practice noticing the good outside and in. What makes you whole?  Take these pieces of the positive and stitch together this inner place, or emotion, or experience that, in turn, fills you with whole-hearted well-being. Not there yet? It’s okay. This is an on-going practice. You are not alone. This safe place is a room within your greater construction of self-compassion, practice returning to this “room” as needed. During your therapy sessions we are here with compassion so you may have the tools to build further. I say this with the Latin origin of the word compassion in mind; compati- to suffer with. This is an action and a practice. And we are here for it. Your clinician will compassionately hold this safe therapeutic place with you, as you ready yourself to carry this self-compassionate toolbox into your future.

sex addiction bull city psychotherapyBut, how long before this Safe Place exercise is no longer needed?

Patience. Be patient with yourself. Our go-go-go society does not naturally give space for slowing down and finding our inner calm. Slowing down may mean constructing imagery full of positive emotions and sensations or perhaps moving towards a full meditation practice. Whatever the mindfulness strategy you find working for you, move slowly into this space. Look around. What do you notice? What do each of your senses tell you about this place of inner peace? What you notice and are ready to walk towards will be different from how others will build their own Safe Place, just as the length of therapeutic journeys vary. Allow yourself to be curious when your patience is limited. Perhaps your Safe Place will morph and adapt as your healing journey evolves. Intertwining patience with this practice of connecting with your inner peaceful space may even grow into an unexpected yet treasured respite. I know my personal inner peaceful place has adapted, strengthened … and is still visited often.

Reconnecting to yourself takes time. You are building a relationship with yourself. Take time for the positive, build up your inner sanctum of peace. You are worth this time.

   – Aura LaBarre, MA, NCC, LCMHC

 

How to Stop Taking Your Inner Critic’s Words to Heart: An Art Therapy Exercise

Posted on by

We all have an inner critic. A voice in the back of our head that points out when we’ve done something wrong, judging us both for good and for ill. For people with low self-esteem, that inner critic tends to be very active, a constant voice in your head demeaning every action, every potential step out of line, every word we speak or think. 

But what if we didn’t take its words too seriously?

The idea of this exercise came to me when I saw one of those dog shaming memes on social media. You know the ones: “I like to steal my mom’s shoes,” or, “It’s been 0 days since I harassed the cat.” The website dogshaming.com has a wide variety of examples.

It was a “lightbulb moment” for me – what if I could do the same thing to my inner critic? 

The Exercise:
Step 1: Visualize Your Inner Critic

 

Recall that nasty little voice in the back of your head that tells you you’re worthless. In your mind’s eye, picture what it looks like. You may have a very detailed idea of your inner critic’s appearance, or just a vague idea of its shape and color. Now, if you like, draw it out. Don’t worry about making it perfect (that’s your inner critic talking).

Here’s mine: a shadowy, many-eye, humanoid creature with its mouth stitched shut.

 

Kind of scary, right?

But not for long.

 

Step 2: Create Your Inner Critic

Now it’s time to create a physical representation of your critic. 

I chose to sew mine, but feel free to create yours out of any medium you see fit: clay, wire, cardboard, yarn, pre-existing stuffed animals or action figures… What matters is that it feels similar to the image of your inner critic that you have in your head.

Step 3: Shame Signs

Here’s the fun part! It’s time to create some signs shaming your inner critic for the mean things it says. What are some of the common things it tells you? This is an exercise in cognitive reframing and refocusing: telling your critic that the things it is saying are cruel and untrue.

Some format ideas include:

“I tell my host/parent/etc. that…”

“I make my host/parent/etc. feel [blank] for no reason.”

“It’s been 0 days since…”

Feel free to check out some pet-shaming memes for ideas (and laughs).

Step 4: Display Your Critic

And you’re done! 

Time to combine the pieces together and display your shamed critic in a place you can easily see. When you notice demeaning, self-critical thoughts coming up, give your critic a shame sign to display. By doing this, you are externalizing the thought and recognizing that it is untrue. Over time, this should make the thought easier to manage and dismiss.

When new self-critical thoughts come up, make a new sign for the critic. You may begin to notice patterns emerge.

 

Step 5: Therapy

Noticing and externalizing your inner critic probably won’t be enough to cure your self-esteem issues on its own, but it’s a great step in the right direction. Another great step is to find a therapist to help you explore where your inner critic gets its ammunition. Or, in other words, where these thoughts and beliefs come from.

You have value. You’re not worthless. You are enough. 

And you deserve to feel better.

The Withholding Of Love

Posted on by

What is the withholding of love? Have you ever been in a relationship and your partner was
right next to you, and you felt completely alone? I have, and it felt absolutely miserable and
hopeless.

There are so many different ways we can withhold love. First, when we do not receive the care,
comfort, safety, nurturing, and affection that we needed in early childhood, not only are our
basic needs being withheld from us, but so is love. It is in the early years ages 0-3 that we learn
to withhold love. We learn to withhold love as a method of self protection from the emotional
and/or physical neglect or deprivation we experienced from our early caregivers. This does not
necessarily mean we experienced abuse or trauma, rather emotional neglect or deprivation is
expressed from most caregivers to small children in one way or another, and it is usually very
covert and happens in typical ‘healthy’ families.

As adults, we learn ways to withhold love that are the progression of ‘what we did not get’ in
early childhood, especially if we are avoidant in our primary relationships. Avoidance of
intimate connection, people, conversation, conflict, physical affection, or emotionally difficult
topics is a primary way the withholding of love presents in a primary relationship.

There are other more covert ways we may withhold love; some examples are not being
interested in your partner, not being willing to be supportive of your partner’s feelings, only
giving to your partner in ways that are easy for you, and not what they may want/need, not
being affectionate, blaming your partner for how you feel, being in active addiction, as well as
being a person who only stays on the surface of life and does not ‘go deep’ into intimacy with
others. Some ways you might hear covert withholding are, ‘I’m fine, everything’s fine’, ‘Well,
I’m sure it will work out for you at some point’, or,’ Let me tell you everything about my day.’
These comments may seem small, however they take their toll on a relationship, and create a
space that is not validating or affirming for the individuals or couple-ship to grow.

If you are reading this and you are wondering if you are withholding, this is the perfect moment
for you to take a deep dive into this really wonderful space and get to know yourself in a
deeper, more intimate manner. If you want to share more of yourself in your relationships, in a
healthy way, you can unlearn how you withhold, and you can learn how to participate more
deeply in relationships. Your first step is to find a therapist EXPERIENCED IN INTIMACY AND/OR
SEX THERAPY if you want to grow in your primary relationship.

If you are in a relationship with a withholding partner, I see you. You ARE important, and you
DO matter. Please find a therapist WITH TRAINED EXPERIENCE IN INTIMACY and begin the
process of evaluating yourself and your relationship, either with or without your partner, in
individual and/or couples therapy. When we do our own work and healing FIRST, and we learn
to love ourselves, it makes the process of evaluating the relationship easier.

May you appreciate and enjoy your journey work.

The Importance of Affirming Mental Healthcare for Trans and Nonbinary People

Posted on by

Picture this: after years of struggling with your gender, you’ve finally realized that you don’t identify with the label that was slapped on you at birth and you’ve decided to work toward becoming who you authentically are on the inside. You’re not sure if you’re relieved, thrilled, or so terrified you can feel it in your bones. You have to decide who to tell, if it’s safe to come out to your friends, partner, or family. You want to change your name, but don’t know what feels right to you yet. You’re thinking about going on hormones, but you don’t know for sure if that’s what you want, and you’re even less sure how you’d get access to that treatment. 

Realizing you’re transgender, nonbinary, or identify anywhere else under the gender diverse umbrella (Note: I will be using “trans” as an umbrella term in this post, but I realize not everyone identifies with that label), is a stressful experience, even when your loved ones support you. And in all likelihood, you have other things going on in your life at the same time. Work or relationship stress, dealing with past trauma, low self-esteem, anxiety, depression… It can all add up, making an already tough transition that much harder. Please believe me when I say that during this time, mental health counseling can be life changing and sometimes even lifesaving.

When it comes to therapy for trans people, however, there has unfortunately been little research conducted both on the competency of mental healthcare providers and what specific counseling strategies are most effective in helping trans clients (Moradi et al., 2016). Even more unfortunately, a large study of individuals in the United States who identified under the trans umbrella (James et al., 2016) found that, of respondents who discussed their identity with a mental healthcare professional, nearly one in five reported that the professional attempted to stop them from being trans. This experience was correlated with a 149% increased likelihood of attempting suicide. And even if mental health care providers do not explicitly try to stop their client from being trans, they may commit microaggressions that create an unwelcoming environment (Morris et al., 2020).

While it is crystal clear that the mental healthcare field as a whole needs to improve here, that may be a long and hard fought battle. In the meantime, I encourage clients who are trans or questioning their gender identity to seek out mental health professionals who are actively affirming and knowledgeable about trans identities.

Before I even realized that I identified as nonbinary, I knew that I wanted to specialize in helping trans folks become their happiest and most authentic selves. I saw the experiences my trans friends and loved ones were going through and felt a deep sense of empathy and a desire to improve the lives of people in this community. Looking back, I think this was in part because I identified with their experiences. 

When I did realize I was nonbinary, I was also just about to start graduate school in the middle of a global pandemic. If I hadn’t had a therapist during that time who walked beside me as I learned more about myself, encouraged me, and gently challenged me when I needed it, I wonder if the stress might have eaten me alive. While she made a few missteps along the way, I am ultimately so very grateful for her help.

Now, as a licensed, openly nonbinary mental health counselor, I hope to be able to be part of the competent and knowledgeable support system that this community needs. If you identify as trans or are questioning your gender identity, you deserve empathetic, affirming support. You deserve to be yourself. You deserve to thrive. 

References

James, S. E., Herman, J. L., Rankin, S., Keisling, M., Mottet, L., & Anafi, M. (2016). The Report of the 2015 U.S. Transgender Survey. Washington, DC: National Center for Transgender Equality.

Moradi, B., Tebbe, E. A., Brewster, M. E., Budge, S. L., Lenzen, A., Ege, E., Schuch, E., Arango, S., Angelone, N., Mender, E., Hiner, D. L., Huscher, K., Painter, J., & Flores, M. J. (2016). A Content Analysis of Literature on Trans People and Issues: 2002–2012. The Counseling Psychologist, 44(7), 960–995. https://doi.org/10.1177/0011000015609044 

Morris, E. R., Lindley, L., & Galupo, M. P. (2020). “Better issues to focus on”: Transgender Microaggressions as Ethical Violations in Therapy. The Counseling Psychologist, 48(6), 883–915. https://doi.org/10.1177/0011000020924391

Digestion & Leaky Gut: Why compromised gut health is the foundation to almost every symptom and health issue

Posted on by

Digestion is truly the key to health. Eating real, whole foods and properly digesting it provides literally every raw material your body uses to perform every single function from walking to digestion to releasing hormones and firing neurons. None of those things can happen without a steady stream of properly digested vitamins, minerals, proteins, fats, and carbohydrates.

Our bodies have the incredible ability to take the food that we eat, and break it down into usable pieces that become cells. The root of this incredible process is digestion. However, you develop cells from the food you actually digest or more accurately what your bacteria digest. The idea that we put food into our mouth and it goes through the esophagus to your stomach does not mean that food actually gets into your cells. Ultimately, the goal is for all the food you eat to be properly digested into such small molecules that it can go through the cell and become energy, and create raw materials to make our essential compounds like insulin, serotonin, thyroxin, fatty acids, phospholipids, prostaglandins, etc.! If you have undigested food, the particles are too large and they cannot get into the protective one cell lining. These large particles will bounce off and become food debris or inflammation progressing to leaky gut.

The problem is that most of us have a breakdown in digestive health due to being formula fed, not receiving good colostrum and breast milk that give wonderful benefits to our lifelong immune system. Our Standard American Diet (SAD) is a double whammy. Eating sugar, processed carbohydrates and chemicals lead to autoimmune disease, acne, eczema, anxiety, depression, allergies, joint pain, fatigue, GERD, sleep disorders, and cavities. These symptoms are the progression of intestinal permeability (leaky gut)! If that is not enough, in comes the antibiotics we were all placed on for anything and everything as a child. There are many more layers of demise from chemicals and toxins in our lotions, potions, household products, pharmaceutical side effects, drinking contaminated water with glyphosate (round up), fluoride, chlorine and leached plastics from plastic contained foods and water.

There are three factors with almost any condition. A genetic predisposition, environmental triggers and intestinal permeability, also known as leaky gut. Your intestinal lining is your main defense layer between your blood circulation (seen as the inside of the body), and the outside of the body which is the tube from your mouth to your anus. This is where food, liquids, bacteria and toxins end up passing through your system and for the most part through the digestive tract. These things are put into our mouth and unavoidably we swallow fecal matter, toxins, fungus, parasites, bacteria and molds. They are concealed by the part of the intestine, “the tube”, called the lumen. The lining of the tube has a mucosal layer and below that layer is a one cell thick border, which is the ultimate and final separation between the outside world and the circulating blood inside the body.

So this healthy human intestine has the important role of acting as both a barrier and a filter through selectively closing and opening intestinal tight junctions depending on the need. When this process is working properly, it allows nutrients to be absorbed and blocks the absorption of toxins and pathogens. As discussed above, when this procedure is not healthy and that one cell gatekeeper becomes too permeable, problematic substances get absorbed. When these substances are non-specifically able to pass through that one cell thick lining into the blood system, it has significant symptoms which progress over time to conditions and disease. A leaky gut is the one which has lost the regulatory mechanisms that controls what is allowed to pass through those layers. Again, we eat and we need nutrients to pass through to absorb the vitamins, minerals, phenols, etc., and to receive the benefits from the food. We do not want the bacteria and viruses, environmental toxins ,etc., to cross over. When this occurs, the balance of inflammatory immune responses is disrupted, leading to chronic inflammation and poor immunity. This development of leaky gut may be asymptomatic, you may not have any gradual symptoms, even while it is creating a pathway for chronic conditions. Chronic conditions are just a continuation of leaky gut.

I think it is extremely important and helpful to understand the relationship between digestion and leaky gut. The more you recognize the connection to the signs that we call “symptoms”, compliance to an individual gut healing protocol will be more sustainable. I work with patients/clients to build a phase by phase roadmap from where it may have began. We can then start unraveling and reducing their symptoms and finding recovery and a way to thrive!

So then what goes wrong?

Inflammation
Infections (Candida, mold, SIBO)
Dysbiosis (a disruption in our microbiome)

Where do we start?

What has to be addressed first in any condition is the dysbiosis or imbalance in your microbiota. This means you have too many pathogens and not enough beneficial bacteria. Each individual has a different microbiome, so how do we know how to access this? It is a very tricky process! To have clarity and understanding that we are just the host and actually we are more microbial than human, is the most important and key concept. The connection to our gut and our microbiome is directly linked to optimal health. Our bodies are actually 10 x times the amount of microbes than human cells. It hosts 500 to 2000 species of microorganisms including, bacteria, yeast, parasites and viruses. This collective bacteria is known as the microbiome. The health of 100 trillion bugs in your gut or your microbiome is one of the things that most impacts your health. They supply us with about 3 ½ million bacterial genes in our system that we depend upon day to day for up to 90% of our metabolic function.

There are 2 major features that are present across the board when the gut is messed up and you have primary symptoms or conditions associated with the gut. One is the lack of diversity, another is not having the presence of certain key strains. Not all strains are created equal. There needs to be a richness and uniformity, a balance in place for vitality. Our goal together is to create that balance! This will protect you, the host, your immune system, and your gut lining. So the vast majority of conditions have this dysbiosis as its primary feature. Once you have that imbalance everything starts to fall apart.

This is why if you do not deal with the issue of leaky gut and dysbiosis upfront, you will be trying to throw supplements, medications and other things at symptoms while the underlying problem continues to perpetuate. This dysbiosis may be a main driver. A compromised gut means increased levels of toxins in the body, which fuel inflammation, contribute to disease, cause weight gain and promote premature aging.

The large research now shows that supporting intestinal health and restoring the integrity of the gut barrier are the most important goals of medicine. That’s because the digestive, immune, nervous, and endocrine systems all communicate and interact with one another through these bacteria. When your gut is not functioning properly, the activities of the other systems are compromised.

To get you started on the right path, one of the fundamental principles of nutrition is to avoid foods and other things that compromise and damage the lining of the gut as well as destroying the beneficial microflora. The list below helps pathogenic bacteria proliferate.

Your gut bacteria are very sensitive. You need to avoid as many of these things as are in your control:

  • Antibiotics
  • Sugar & Processed food
  • GMO Foods
  • Fluoride & Chlorinated water
  • Antibacterial soap
  • Chemicals
  • Medications
  • Pollution
  • Emotional Stress
  • Bacterial, fungal, viral gut pathogens and chronic infections
  • C-sections and lack of breast feeding

It is the layering of these above toxins that diminish healthy bacteria. Your total load for each day and stacking over time just increases the issue. Virtually all of us are exposed to a lot of these throughout our lives and some at least occasionally. It is extremely important to ensure your gut bacteria remain balanced and should be considered an ongoing process.

I believe that our digestive system holds the roots to our health. The breakdown of our barrier and filter process is at least in large part of what establishes the mixture of “symptoms” we label as weight gain, auto immune, IBS, Crohn’s, GERD, arthritis, ADHD, autism, Bipolar disorder, OCD, diabetes, chronic fatigue, PMS, endocrine disorders, and depression. They are rising yearly in large proportions. Even relatively minor ailments, such as constipation, diarrhea, lack of libido, aches and pains, and fatigue are directly linked to gut dysfunction. In most cases a lot of these symptoms and conditions overlap.

My job then as a nutritional therapist is to put the correct individualized and supportive diet in place. Also, to be a gut and microbiome detective and remove the clutter, food sensitivities, inflammation and bugs. I will then replace deficiencies for digestion, repair the gut and gut function, reinoculated the beneficial bacteria and reseed the gut.

I believe that listening to the patient or client is where you receive most of the information you are looking for. Having more energy and feeling your best takes creating an individual protocol in stages. We can then address the underlying dysfunction, gradually modifying as you have more information to move forward.

If you would like an appointment, please call the Bull City Psychotherapy office at 919-382-0288.  You can also call me at 919427-5946 or email me with questions at kimshack12@yahoo.com.

Best In health,

Kim Shackleford

Kim Shackleford Nutritionist with Bull City Psychotherapy