Monthly Archives: June 2019

When It’s Not Okay to Talk

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sex addiction bull city psychotherapy

 

Do you remember any of these phrases from your childhood?
“Quit being a baby!”
“Take it like a man!”
“Don’t upset me with your problems!”
“Don’t you know I’m too busy with your father/sister/brother to deal with you right now?”

It may have been inadvertent, but you got the message somewhere along the line that it’s not okay to
talk about unpleasant things. You may have grown up in a family where you felt like there wasn’t room
for you—for your emotions, your needs, your grief and sadness. You learned that it’s not okay to talk
about difficult issues, and so, you found self-soothing and relief in sex or porn or at the bottom of a
bottle. These things weren’t the same as a deep, loving connection with a human being, but they made
you feel good enough to get by. You couldn’t connect emotionally, so you found a substitute.

You did the best you knew how as a child, but now you recognize that the old pattern or addiction is
ruining your life. So, where do you begin at this point to function in a different way? How do you start
connecting? How do you find the courage to talk about painful stuff? If you’re dealing with an addiction,
individual therapy and group therapy can be great ways to learn how to manage your emotions, reduce
shame, and build healthy relationships. Particularly when it comes to sex and porn addiction, finding a
Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) is a must. A specially trained therapist and an addiction group
can jump start your healing and growth.

Reach out. Find a new way to connect. Learn that it’s okay to talk about it—in fact, it’s necessary to talk.
Know that there is room for you.

To schedule an appointment with Tim, please call his direct line at 919-533-7907. Or you can e-mail
him at tim@bullcitypsychotherapy.com.

Relationships – Thank your person in their language

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Quick Hits –
Think of someone important to you and ask them which of the following 5 actions they prefer:
Words of affirmation
Acts of service
Receiving gifts
Quality time
Physical touch

Think of 3 ideas that would fall in to their preferred category. Do the things!

Rationale:

This relationship wellness tip is based on the premise that you already understand how important it is to show gratitude to those closest to you.  If you haven’t internalized that yet, take breath and let it sink in.  Those closest to us impact us the most and get recognized the least – typically because we have gotten used to the routine that they will be there.  It’s human nature, and it’s healthy for us to fight that inclination to take them for granted.  Do so by thanking them for being in your life – but how?

Learn their language:

There is a well documented theory, developed and published by Gary Chapman, which posits that there are 5 primary love languages.  Read more about it here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/.

The idea is that individuals interpret things differently.  Something that might be hugely meaningful to you might go unnoticed by someone else.  The opposite is also true.

When you are reaching out to thank someone, or show affection, or appreciation, or any kind of love, you will make the maximum impact by doing so in their language.  It is common for us to communicate these emotions in our own languages – I’m suggesting you stop that right now.  Communicating in your language makes you feel good.  Communicating in their language makes them feel good.  Thanking someone, or showing affection, is not about you!  It’s that simple.

Below are the 5 languages that Chapman has presented along with a starting list of actions you can take to speak to your person in their language.  This is good stuff. It works for partners, friends, parents, siblings, and children alike.  Know the languages of the people in your life.  Make your own lists, and refer to them often.  They will thank you – and hopefully they do so in your language J

Words of affirmation – write a card, email, or even better sit down with them face to face and tell them what they mean to you, what they bring to your life, why you’re grateful for them.

Acts of service – What do they hate doing – laundry, yard work, bills, dishes, cooking?  Think about ways to make their life easier and then do the things!

Receiving gifts – Money is not the priority here.  The gesture and the thought behind it make the difference.  What is something you know they like – their morning coffee, new workout clothes, merchandise from their favorite show/musician/actor?  Get them a small something that communicates the message: “I know you like this, so I got it for you, because I like you.”

Quality time – this doesn’t have to cost any money.  Simply spend time with your person.  Typically the fewer screens (phones, tvs, etc) involved, the better.  Talk with them about things they find interesting.  It doesn’t have to be deep.  And you don’t have to like the same things as much as they do.  You’re doing it for them.  Do something with them that they like to do, and commit to it.  Twenty minutes of sincere attention from you can go a long way to making them feel your appreciation.

Physical touch – think about what is appropriate, then do it!  Maybe it’s a good solid hug.  Maybe it’s a foot rub. (Side note: my wife’s primary language is physical touch and I am still shocked at how much she appreciates a foot rub.)  Maybe it’s making time to make time like Dusty Springfield sang about.  Do what they will appreciate.

Whatever you choose, remember that IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU!