The book “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead” is based on Dr. Brene Brown’s research. Unfortunately for us, that research lead her to understand the importance of shame – and now we have to talk about it.
Ugh! That sounds awful, right? Shame is terrible, and uncomfortable and deserves to sit right where most of us put it – in the dark, neglected, ignored-as-much-as-possible places in our head and hearts.
Dr. Brown, or Brené (as most of us super-fans call her), writes the following: “I start every talk, article, and chapter on shame with the Same 1-2-3s, or the first three things that you need to know about shame, so you’ll keep listening:
1.) We all have it. Shame is universal and one of the most primitive human emotions that we experience. The only people who don’t experience shame lack the capacity for empathy and human connection. Here’s your choice: Fess up to experiencing shame or admit that you’re a sociopath. Quick note: This is the only time that shame seems like a good option.
2.) We’re all afraid to talk about shame.
3.) The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives.”
I want to focus on that third part, “The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives.” Sit with that for a minute. Take a few breaths while your brain holds that idea. Think about how much power and control shame has over your life.
It is critically important to your health and growth to build your ability to acknowledge your shame. Shame doesn’t just exist when we don’t talk about it – it grows. It thrives in the dark. It loves when you ignore it and act out of the fear and insecurity that shame generates.
The good news is, according to Brene’s research, and my own lived experience, shame has an antidote. Shame shrivels and dies when we face it, name it, shine a light on it, and share it with people who are safe for us. Shame can’t survive in the light. And when it dies, we feel better, our behaviors change for the good, and our relationships deepen.
Shining a light on shame requires vulnerability. I strongly recommend you read or listen to the book “Daring Greatly” to learn techniques for practicing vulnerability and facing your shame. You can do this! We can do this!
The journey of facing our shame is scary for all of us. But we don’t have to do it alone. And the healing that comes as a result of daring greatly, is too good to miss. Go get yours!
